Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with a marriage with no physical affection

52 replies

poppypugz · 10/03/2023 16:32

For the past year or so there has been little to no physical affection in my marriage - so no hugs, kisses, or sex. This has been instigated by DH who has said he doesn't see me that way anymore... I am a very physical/affectionate person and find this very hard to live with. There have been no affairs, no big changes in appearance. He just says he isn't in love anymore and the affection goes with this. We have had therapy but it hasn't helped. Neither of us seem ready to separate as we don't want to be away from the children (mainly, also financial difficulties of separation).

Does anyone else live in a marriage without physical affection/sex? We do get on OK generally and have things in common, both pull our weight around the house etc... but I don't know if I can live my life like this. I'm worried I will look back in 10 years and regret staying, but I also can't bear to put my children (and myself!) through a divorce. We're both late thirties, kids are older primary age.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWINE · 10/03/2023 16:36

I'm sorry to say this, but it will eat away at you until you hate him. Better to separate now than have your kids witness that.

DosCervezas · 10/03/2023 16:40

I couldn't stay in the marriage you're describing.
Life's too short and precious to be wasted.

Madamecastafiore · 10/03/2023 16:43

Plus you're not modelling a healthy physical relationship for your children. It's important that they see love between their parents to go on and copy this in their relationships.

Original poster
poppypugz · 10/03/2023 16:54

@Madamecastafiore I do see that but would divorce really be better I wonder?

@WhineWhineWINE I fear you're right - this already happened to an extent but I've managed to 'come to terms' with things in a way, by staying strong in myself. So I seemingly cope ok now.

@DosCervezas yes I do feel life is too short... but I keep thinking if I stay a bit longer things might improve...

OP posts:
AmyandPhilipfan · 10/03/2023 16:55

My husband has a really low sex drive and would happily live with no sex. But he will still hug me and kiss me and tell me that he loves me so I can just about put up with lack of sex. But I couldn't deal with him saying he wasn't in love with me. I'd want to split as I think I'd just be too sad to be around him constantly. And also a bit angry with him too probably.

Original poster
poppypugz · 10/03/2023 16:57

I'd want to split as I think I'd just be too sad to be around him constantly.

Yes this was my initial reaction too. Then all the therapy, and now this weird kind of nothing... technically we've said we're 'giving it another go' but nothing has changed. If I ask for a hug he will give me one very briefly, and it makes me want to cry tbh.

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 10/03/2023 17:16

poppypugz yes I think divorce is showing your children that in this situation you're not willing to live with being unhappy and you're giving yourself an opportunity to go on and meet someone and model a normal relationship. Staying in a situation where you don't feel loved and valued will have an effect on you and they will pick up on it as much as you'll try to hide it from them. They deserve the best mother you can be and for you to be the best mother you can be you need to be happy.

Keepithidden · 10/03/2023 17:18

Yes, my marriage is like this too. Apparently it is normal, from the in-laws I can see it certainly is from partners perspective. Unfortunately its now complicated by other things so leaving right now isn't an option. Never mind the impact on kids etc.

You learn to live with it TBH. Focus on the positives and cope with the negatives any way you can. The alternative is leaving which I don't think I can countenance right now. Maybe in the future though.

Unfortunately its always the case with these kind of relationships that you can't force another person to give affection so the one who is seeking it is automatically on the back foot. No compromise will be appropriate as you'd be forcing something that is not qantedt - potentially coerced assault if you want to think legally.

Massive sympathy though!

WhineWhineWINE · 10/03/2023 17:19

If I could give my thirty something self some advice, it would be this.

Your children will not thank you for sacrificing your own needs and ultimately every scrap of your own confidence and self esteem in order to keep the family together. It is not a family if mum and dad don't love each other. Don't allow your children to become adults thinking that this is what a family looks like. You will end up hating each other until one of you finds someone else.

Your experience might be different, but mine started very much like you are describing yours now. It's horrible and unfair, but you deserve better than a husband who doesn't love you.

Original poster
poppypugz · 10/03/2023 17:27

Massive sympathy to you too @Keepithidden - it's a very hard way to live. My DH also didn't see his parents being affectionate so I think deep down this is normal for him in a way - but knowing this (via counselling) hasn't changed anything!

@WhineWhineWINE thank you, this is powerful to read. What did happen to you, if you don't mind me asking? I can see that we're both very vulnerable to meeting someone else.

@Madamecastafiore 'for you to be the best mother you can be you need to be happy.' I do feel this is true, ultimately.

OP posts:
Dery · 10/03/2023 17:35

“Your children will not thank you for sacrificing your own needs and ultimately every scrap of your own confidence and self esteem in order to keep the family together. It is not a family if mum and dad don't love each other. Don't allow your children to become adults thinking that this is what a family looks like. You will end up hating each other until one of you finds someone else.”

This with bells on. The whole ‘not in love’ stuff is utter bollocks and extremely immature. It always irritates me profoundly when I see it. As gets said on here, the grass is greenest where you water it. He is making a decision to withdraw his love and withhold all physical affection from you.

What he is modelling for your DCs is one parent repeatedly rejecting the other and breaking the other’s heart. Do you really want your DCs to grow up thinking that’s what marriage is? Long term, that will do them much more harm than you divorcing.

underneaththeash · 10/03/2023 17:40

Would your DH be okay with an open relationship if you don’t want to split up?

Original poster
poppypugz · 10/03/2023 17:45

@Dery 'He is making a decision to withdraw his love and withhold all physical affection from you.' Yes it does feel like this. But he would say he can't help his feelings.

@underneaththeash He has basically suggested this but as I still have feelings for him I don't think I could stand it (him seeing other people)

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 10/03/2023 17:53

It's only worth staying as long as he pulls his weight with looking after his children and you are able to go out with your friends whenever you want, go to the gym etc. There's a whole world out there, so might as well dust yourself down, enjoy your own time separately from him, do whatever makes you feel good and find yourself with a single mindset. You've even been given a green light to have an affair if opportunity knocks - no blame under circumstances. Might even help you to gain the gumption for a split.
So, show him your single self, it's preparing for a likely split in the future without necessarily doing so yet, which you need to be ready for as clearly your relationship is shakey so he could pull the plug on it any time - don't rely on him not doing, whatever he claims presently.

AmyandPhilipfan · 10/03/2023 17:53

Has he suggested it in terms of him seeing other people when you're the one looking for intimacy?

Kaftankween · 10/03/2023 17:54

Oh my goodness Op. You’re not just living with no physical affection but no emotional affection - just no affection. That doesn’t sound like a marriage and surely will destroy your self esteem. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? It sounds lonely

Liveyourlife1 · 10/03/2023 18:00

I am 35 and have lived this life for the last few years. I told myself I could cope and things would improve. They didn't. We discussed it time and time again, I cried and begged for a hug, kiss anything. I couldn't force him. My self esteem hit rock bottom and I could not carry on. We are now divorcing and although it's an emotional rollercoaster I feel positive about the future. There is a whole life out there waiting for me and for you. Please don't settle.

Opentooffers · 10/03/2023 18:00

Ah, so he suggested an open relationship and therefore wants to see others. That's probably the crux of it, he's already had his head turned.

FavouriteDogMug · 10/03/2023 18:04

It sounds too lonely for you OP. Plus living like this could drive one or other of you to have an affair and probably lead to an acrimonious divorce. Better to split now as friends and then you can make good co-parenting decisions, take your time to find suitable living arrangements that mean you are not too far apart and it will be easy for the children to move between your homes.

category12 · 10/03/2023 18:12

poppypugz · 10/03/2023 17:45

@Dery 'He is making a decision to withdraw his love and withhold all physical affection from you.' Yes it does feel like this. But he would say he can't help his feelings.

@underneaththeash He has basically suggested this but as I still have feelings for him I don't think I could stand it (him seeing other people)

God he's a coward, isn't he?

He tells you he doesn't love you, but he doesn't have the guts to properly end the relationship. He just expects to be able to toddle along as is, not giving up any of the benefits of the family life and household, but having ripped the rug out from under you.

I think you need to be the brave one and the "bad guy" by putting a bullet through the brain of this fatally injured marriage.

Dery · 10/03/2023 18:18

He can help his feelings. That’s why people say the grass is greenest where you water it. He’s made a decision to indulge feelings he shouldn’t be indulging - he’s watering grass elsewhere. It’s perfectly possible (normal, I would say) to feel attraction to other people but part of commitment is valuing and choosing your partner and the love you share with your partner over passing attraction to other people. That’s how mature adults deal with attraction to others.

He’s a grown up who’s made a family with you but it sounds like he’s allowed himself to be distracted by someone shiny and new rather than realising that - if he was going through the daily grind with that person - you would be the one who looked shiny and new.

Sorry, OP - he’s a twat. Please don’t tolerate this. It will destroy you.

tocas · 10/03/2023 18:24

No man turns down regular sex if they're not getting it elsewhere. He is cultivating somewhere else, doesn't want to be the bad guy and do the right thing. Sorry if that sounds harsh op.

Q2C4 · 10/03/2023 22:46

tocas · 10/03/2023 18:24

No man turns down regular sex if they're not getting it elsewhere. He is cultivating somewhere else, doesn't want to be the bad guy and do the right thing. Sorry if that sounds harsh op.

Sadly in my experience some men seem to prefer a virtual relationship with their laptops to one with an actual woman.

Xrays · 10/03/2023 22:56

tocas · 10/03/2023 18:24

No man turns down regular sex if they're not getting it elsewhere. He is cultivating somewhere else, doesn't want to be the bad guy and do the right thing. Sorry if that sounds harsh op.

That really isn’t true. Lots of people - of both sexes- just don’t have much interest in sex. Honestly. It’s a myth that all men want sex all the time.

I am sorry you’re going through this op. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage and I left. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling half fulfilled. I am now married to a new dh (I say new, we’ve been together 15 years now) and we’re a much better match. I do sometimes wonder about the effect on dd who was little when I left but she seems like a well adjusted young woman now. (We also have a Ds together).

username1722 · 10/03/2023 23:02

It's fine not to have a huge sex drive. Lots of couples stay together happily without sex. The question is, is that enough for YOU? And I'm guessing the answer is no.

For me, the dealbreaker would be the fact that he has said he doesn't see you in that way anymore. That's a bit of a low blow as he's essentially saying he's not attracted to you anymore.

You want affection. He doesn't want to give it. Is this really how you want to spend the next 60 years? Life is short but life is also very long. Don't live it being miserable. Your self-esteem will be on the floor as time goes on.

Sure you have kids. Don't you want to show them what a good healthy relationship should be like? As like as you and your husband can be grown ups and divorce amicably, you can keep disruption to a minimum. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home.