Feel massively let down by a few 'friends' - not sure what to do

[tonkinesekittycat]

Namechanged as possibly outing.

My family and I are going through a very, very tough time at the moment with eldest child having some health issues. We were in hospital for a week and still face certain medical unknowns that are currently being investigated. Doctors have (hopefully) ruled out anything immediately life threatening at this point, though we might still be looking at a life-altering diagnosis. It's been incredibly stressful, to put it mildly.

Several of my friends have been amazing in all this - very considerate and supportive, helping in various different and lovely ways. HOWEVER, two friends (who I would have considered among my closest friends) have been astoundingly unsupportive and really tone deaf in all this. Friend A (who I've known since childhood) has always been pretty self-involved, but when I updated her (via text message) about what had been going on, she literally moved the conversation on immediately to herself and her minor work issues, and hasn't checked in since (this was a week ago). Friend B (who lives locally to me and kids at the same school as my unwell kid) sent a couple of concerned messages (she found out through a mutual friend of ours what was happening with us) then hasn't bothered at all. Friend B just messaged about something entirely unrelated - no 'how are you/how is your child?' - and I feel like l'm about to explode.

Both these friends have come to me many times in the past with their problems - I've been there for them through numerous crises and both of them have told me that I'm the first person they run to when the shit hits the fan. Yes, that could affect the dynamic in a situation like this, but they also know I have ZERO family support (no parents or siblings around) and, despite being a bit of an 'agony aunt' type to both of them, they know I'm someone with a tendency towards anxiety and worrying about stuff .

I know it's hard to get it right - people don't want to intrude, don't know what to say - but I am really shocked and upset. I don't really see the point in confronting either of them about it, but I wonder if anyone has faced similar, and how you coped with it? Thanks x

I am so sorry for what you are going through, it sounds rough. It is hard to accept that those who we thought were very close just, aren't. It may be that they don't know what to say but may also be indicative of their feelings towards you, in which case it may be wise just to accept that this is the case. It hurts, absolutely though, no getting away from that, so just be kind to yourself as you have a lot going on right now. You are not their agony aunt now so don't respond as tho you are.

So disappointing when friends let you down like this. But you have a lot on your plate at the moment so if you can just push it to the back of your mind and concentrate on your family. Thank goodness you have some friends who have been supportive.
Dont waste your energy on getting upset over this. Maybe they are selfish, maybe they haven’t understood what’s happening, maybe they don’t know what to do. If you get unwanted texts just reply with ‘sorry can’t talk atm just waiting for news from doctor/ off to medical appointment/ very tired after day at hospitals’ and repeat if necessary.
Hope your dc improves and you get the best treatment and care available

When I had a similar situation to you (I hope your child is OK ) it really sorted the wheat from the chaff. It is in the hard times you find out who your real friends are. Just fade them out and focus on your family and better friends.

Sadly, Friend A isn't really your friend, she's too self-absorbed. You have to decide whether you want to continue the friendship at all.

Friend B sounds better, but again, it's up to you whether you want to continue the friendship - it's up to you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds like such a difficult and stressful time ❤️

I've had a similar experience in the past and incredibly angry at "friends" who I felt letdown by.

It did change a lot of my friendships and I have different, stronger relationships with other friends who really "showed up".

Some people are shit at emotional support and it's a painful thing to find out.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's nothing like a crisis to show you who your real friends are. When I went through a sudden bereavement, unexpected people stepped up and helped in incredible ways. Others who I had always assumed would be there for me as I had been for them, weren't.

In the end I just had to focus on the fact that I did have lots of support and I put my energy into those friendships and then quietly backed away from the ones which weren't supportive. In one sense, life is doing you a favour by showing you where the 'gold' is in your friendships.

I hope you do get some good medical answers soon too!

Do you think they are uncaring types? Have they shown this in actions/words towards others (that you have seen)?

If not, then in case of Friend A they may fear that by asking they are making things harder for you, and are trying to distract you by talking about trivial stuff in their life.

Friend B may feel that as they heard on the grapevine rather than from yourself, that they are not considered a close friend by you when you are struggling as that you're getting that support elsewhere.

Of course they may also be self centred uncaring types! But then I'd guess at why you were friends.

You know your friends best, which do you think is more likely?

If they are uncaring types, ditch them. If it's because you think it's the other, then sometimes expressly telling people that you need their support (even to the extent of spelling out what that support is) may be needed.

I hope your DC is soon feeling much better and home, I can only imagine how worried you must be.

Very sorry about what you're going through. I hope you get some good news soon.

On the friendship issues, I understand why you feel let down, particularly by Friend A. But with friend B is there a chance she doesn't quite know how involved you want her to be? If she's less of an old friend, through school etc, and she only found out via someone else, she may be feeling like you've slightly kept her out of it a bit and might not quite know whether you want her to ask. People can sometimes be very private about these things. She may also be feeling a bit hurt, if you're the first person she would turn to in a similar circ, that you didn't tell her about all this yourself?

This may not be the case at all, but I'm only suggesting it as a possibility because good friends are like gold-dust and to let a genuinely good friendship become embittered just when you need people the most would be a shame.

I had a version of this with covid and a “friend”

id been there for her when she was I’ll and her family were totally unsupportive

I checked on her every day with no expectations of her replying if she was feeling really rough, but just so she knew that someone cared about HER and not just about all the chores she wasn’t doing for her crappy in-laws.

I got covid and it was fucking crickets. That put a right dent in things. It was beginning to be apparent just before then that she wasn’t as there for me as I was for her, but the covid really showed me. She went on to do more so I brought things to a close.

When my ds was in hospital a few years back now it really showed me that my friends were amazing and my family were a bunch of loons. Only interested in themselves and how their shows of affection for us were pretty much “all for the ‘gram” / to tell others about. They weren’t even remotely interested in actually being there for US.

im sorry to hear you’ve been having so much trouble and hope that your dc is better/on the mend - sending hugs and strength to you all

Sorry to hear about your rubbish friends but I'm pleased to hear that some people have been there for you. Such a scary feeling when this happens to your child, even when it dials down from life threatening the waiting for a diagnosis is still terrifying. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending kits of strength.

Sorry to hear with everything you are going through with your DC. Sending hugs.
I am afraid it happens. It happened to me when I and my family were going through a very tough time. It was hurtful at the time as I had always been very supportive. I ended up keeping then at arms length. You realise who your friends are and will step up and others don't..hope all will be ok..

Thank you so much everyone. Your shared experiences and thoughts have been immensely valuable.

I have just been focusing on my child and the issues we’re facing, but I suppose, because I value and nurture supportive friendships so much - and these are two friends who have always expressed a lot of appreciation when I’ve been there for them in their hours of need - it’s just feels really bloody shocking with how crap their behaviour has been. ☹️ I am surprised and weirded out….

OP, as everyone has posted, this happens to so many people.

In the last decade 5 friends have had cancer and this was THE biggest shock.

People and family that they had thought that they were important to, were nowhere to be seen.

Obviously it was only a few, but each and everyone of them took the information on the chin, had a good bitch to me about it, and then focused on their recovery.

Several of these friends came back on the scene quickly when things picked up, but were firmly faded out.

One friend had a lovely evening for those who supported her and her family and simply didn't include her two fair weather friends who were devastated by the "miscommunication" apparently.

None of them wasted any further time or energy and now several years later definitely consider it a real gift.

Not all friends will be able to be hugely there for you, but the ones that are very comfortable leaning on you and have, that are now nowhere to be seen, are not worth bothering with further.
Focus on those prepared to be there for you.