Would/did you look for a relationship/do OLD while in menopause?

[OldFan]

I'm 46 and am finding that small things are affecting me emotionally more intensely than I think was my normal maybe. (Not things in dating yet as I haven't done much, just in everyday life.) No other signs of menopause yet really.

I'm worried that if I were to date, any boyfriend I get might see the worst in me at some point, or a temporarily awful non-representative version of me.

But I suppose menopause can last years so it might not be best to wait.

What do you reckon, or what were your experiences?

I'm peri menopausal, on HRT and have been dating for last few years. I'm not sure why I wouldn't? Or if i didn't, when would I start up again, it's not like the hormones are going to come back 😂

I'm peri menopausal, on HRT and have been dating for last few years. I'm not sure why I wouldn't?

Because we might not present our best selves, if it effects our emotions or something like that.

Or if i didn't, when would I start up again, it's not like the hormones are going to come back

No but we get through menopause. We don't have it for life.

If they can't take you as not your best self then they don't deserve you anyway. Date of you want to date. Don't if you don't. Forget the menopause and decide what you want to do.

Well we’ll be menopausal for the rest of our lives once we got that, but apparently things do settle down a bit once the hormonal changes have firmed up. Apparently that can take up to 12 years for some women though, which seems a long time to wait!

I mean we not only mightn't present out best selves, we might even not be presenting our normal selves, just a temporary blip. But if a man met us during that, they'll think that's how we really, normally are usually.

I had been in meno for a year or two when I met my partner. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, it just happened! In truth, I do find it harder as I am suffering from difficult symptoms and while I wouldn’t change things as we are very happy, it doubless would be easier single!

I'm 46, in peri, on hrt and in a new relationship. It's not a perfect situation, but if the person you're with can't accept you just as you are, with the possibility that you may change again later (which we all do anyway) then they're not worth having. Better to be single - I'm too old to pretend to be perfect and lovely and my best self all the time. Far too exhausting.

@OldFan Just some info for you ( and you might find the meno forum here useful.)

If you do have symptoms, then try HRT.

You may be in peri and have meno symptoms for years (some women's never ever go, according to my consultant) and therefore HRT for many years is an option. It is now ok to use it for life.

The average age of menopause is 51 so you'd be avoiding a new relationship for a long time, possibly, and symptoms can sometimes start when periods stop.

It's really not worth putting your life on hold.

And any man who really cares about you will accept the ups and downs of menopause just as you'd presumably accept any health issues they might experience.

Yeah, my mum is 82 and still gets hot flushes despite going through the menopause around 30 years ago. It's true some women live with permanent changes all their life.

I can't tell what stage of the menopause I am at due to having a hysterectomy, but am 53 so it must be affecting me. But I am in a better place emotionally than I was in my 20s when I started out with my ex-husband (and that lasted 20 years so was not a total disaster). I've had therapy, take a high dose of St. John's wort and do other things to improve my state of mind. I also started anti-depressants after I broke up with my ex and was still on a low dose while dating. There are things you can do to deal with the situation from your end.

At the same time, I feel a lot less at risk of being judged than when I was younger. The guy I am with now is also much more experienced, understanding and emotionally intelligent than my ex - as was the last guy I dated at your age. I don't know if the men are more mature, I'm more mature with the men, or I've had more luck/chosen better (or all the above), but it feels better than when I was younger. And it feels like there's less at stake. I'm not having a family with any of them. It's OK if it doesn't work.

It is now ok to use it for life.

@JinglingSpringbells Well, obviously there's a cancer risk but people have to weigh up the risks and benefits for them, like with a lot of meds.

My mum had menopause symptoms severe enough that she went on HRT at 47, but I suppose I don't know when the other side of the family had it, plus people didn't know the risks as much then. A few years after that the risks of it started to come out and I think she stopped in then (I'm not denying HRT is the right thing for some people.)

I can't tell what stage of the menopause I am at due to having a hysterectomy,

@80s Did you also have your ovaries removed? If so, people get it immediately after having a hysterectomy.

I have bipolar so I take meds for life and praise God for them. Had therapy for a few years.

I suppose I'm imagining menopause as maybe like the last time I had a bipolar episode a few years ago (I don't have them often.) It damaged a lot of my friendships and relationships. People stopped replying to me. 😂 Old friends I reunited with, new friends and lovers etc. They assumed annoying, too intense and high maintenance was the real me, as they didn't know any different. But that's not what I'm usually like. But some of them didn't stick around to know that.

What did your BP episode look like if you don't mind me asking?

I don't think every woman turns into a nightmare to be with just because of menopause. I'm more tired as I don't sleep as well generally, but put me in a new relationship honeymoon phase and I'd find the energy no problem 😁. I think I had a phase of having more symptoms like hot flushes and insomnia the whole night exactly a week before being due on, for a few months after having covid - it does appear to mess with your hormones, l looked into HRT. But all that has settled down by itself, no hot flushes in a while, and regular periods now so not gone on HRT yet. My advice is plenty of lube if you don't want to avoid a uti though, hmm, that's happened on the odd occasion which is a change I could do without. Libido is about the same.

@Reddress2023 I thought I just described it I've been diagnosed and treated for it for over twenty years, with several hospital admissions. Last time it was mostly because a narcissistic private doctor decided I had ADHD instead so put me on stimulant meds, which people with established bipolar shouldn't really go on. So I ended up in hospital for the first time in 16 years.

Mainly I just lose all sexual judgement and become rabidly horny, when I'm not usually particularly like that at all. But then I was raped because I shagged someone I wouldn'tve gone near at all if I was well. He turned out to be far worse than I'd even imagined. I thought I couldn't be raped or anything because I was up for a shag. Turned out he enjoyed violent rape- he could've had consensual sex but that didn't interest him. I was sexually inappropriate with people and also had anonymous group sex, which I wouldn't normally do.

Then I just kept messaging people all the time- I needed to talk all the time, but didn't have much chance except on messenger. A lot of it was about the rape and stuff so it was too intense for people.

It also effects my spirituality which goes more hardcore, and spending habits, and sometimes I write a lot (most of it rubbish.)

Eventually it often goes into what's called a mixed state which is a stage of bipolar with a combination of emotions and very unpleasant.

Obviously I don't expect to get all these symptoms at menopause. But I fear getting the bit where I become too intense and people assume I'm always absolutely barking, and it puts people off completely.

@Reddress2023 Oh and when people are in an episode they can get lack of sleep of course, drink a lot or whatever to try and self medicate and chill out, maybe changes in appetite.

The diagnostic criteria is marked changes in mood and behaviour that lasts for several weeks/months. Some people do get rapid cycling but that's rare and also comes after people have had years of normal bipolar usually. If someone just has mood swings often, I think that'd be more like Borderline personality. As far as I can tell, people with Borderline don't get highs. They get lows (even psychotic lows) and then their normal personality. Also a lot of it is about their relationships with other people- their happiness often depends on that. I'm just including this in case you're thinking about a loved one or yourself and wondering what's going on. Often people think/hope they have bipolar, or family might think they do, when they actually have borderline.

Er really

They didn't remove my ovaries - they said that would be better, and I guess so, but it does leave you in the dark as you don't have the obvious sign of what's going on.

Your condition does sound difficult to deal with. Do you tell people you have bipolar? Do they recognise that you are in a manic phase (is that the word these days?)?

How do you think that not dating would improve things - or that dating would make it worse? When you were engaging in risky sexual behaviour before, were you dating? Would dating put you at more risk, or would you be at risk anyway, even without dating? Could dating lower your risk if you have a boyfriend to sleep with and thus don't "need" to seek out strangers as much?

If you start dating and act weird, why is it bad if the man wrongly thinks you're always like that and dumps you? He could dump you for a hundred reasons. People often misjudge each other. And after he's gone you'll be in the same position as if you never dated, won't you? OLD men are usually not from your circle of friends, and you can even deliberately choose people from further away to lower the risk of having to see them later.

Your condition does sound difficult to deal with. Do you tell people you have bipolar?

Not if I can avoid it as obviously some people are prejudiced against people with it. I don't know if I'd date someone with it, just in case they regularly have episodes etc. I don't think others would recognise it much as it's usually fairly mild due to meds, and they don't know anything about it, plus I get help straight away.

It is easy to manage usually, I just call services and they up my medication for a bit. I did a course they run about early warning signs, so I contact them when I have any. The ADHD meds thing was a temporary issue that made it worse, and there's no way the NHS would've put me on those meds.

I'm blessed that I have insight into my condition, also a lot of people when ill come off their meds. I would never do that.

How do you think that not dating would improve things - or that dating would make it worse?

I'm not referring to my bipolar in this thread. I'm worried menopause would effect my emotions and behaviour, and make me be annoying, and anyone who didn't know me well would assume that high maintenance person was the real me, when in fact I went over a decade in my 30s without an episode as my meds suit me so well.

Could dating lower your risk if you have a boyfriend to sleep with and thus don't "need" to seek out strangers as much?

I suppose it might depend how much my partner could hit the spot, but it's not usually an issue. I would get help when I started getting warning signs, anyway. I went without sex for 8 years in my 30s so it's not like it's a regular thing to be obsessed with sex.

If you start dating and act weird, why is it bad if the man wrongly thinks you're always like that and dumps you?

Because I'm not always like that, so that'd be a shame, to potentially waste the opportunity to be with a decent guy because a blip turned him off.

And after he's gone you'll be in the same position as if you never dated, won't you?

Yes, but that'd be a shame if that person would've been a potential long term partner.

This thread is about dating and the menopause, not bipolar.

OLD men are usually not from your circle of friends, and you can even deliberately choose people from further away to lower the risk of having to see them later.

? I'm looking for a long term partner/marriage, someone I would eventually live with, not casual sex. So not having to see a decent one again would be the complete opposite to what I'm looking for.

I'm looking for a long term partner/marriage, someone I would eventually live with, not casual sex.
You're describing being worried about going out with a man, and him getting the wrong impression of you. I thought you might be partly worried about the potential social repercussions, how it could affect your reputation. My point was that if this happened with a man you meet OLD, it would be less awkward afterwards than if it happened with a man you met through mutual friends, in the local pub etc.

that'd be a shame, to potentially waste the opportunity to be with a decent guy because a blip turned him off.
Yes, it would be annoying if you knew you'd get on normally, and he was being put off for the wrong reasons. But sometimes decent ones do slip between your fingers. And it sounds like the alternative you're considering is not to give yourself the opportunity to meet men at all?

You’re “in menopause” from a year following your final period until you die…so are you asking if women aged 50-plus (on average) shouldn’t seek out sexual relationships? 😵‍💫

I mean, I would tell the bloke I have well controlled bipolar after a while of dating, but it's not something I'd say right off the bat before meeting or on a first date. Am off to Mass etc, back in a bit.

I thought you might be partly worried about the potential social repercussions, how it could affect your reputation.

No, just that I wouldn't want him personally to think I was a permanent wrong'un due to the effects menopause might have on mood/behaviour and dump me for that, if it wasn't my actual real full time self most of the time, so he'd be dumping me when if I hadn't met him in that phase, it could've been a longer term relationship.

But sometimes decent ones do slip between your fingers.

The ideal would be to avoid that though.

And it sounds like the alternative you're considering is not to give yourself the opportunity to meet men at all?

Temporarily. But I suppose if it's for a few years I would grow to look even more decrepid and lessen my chances.

You’re “in menopause” from a year following your final period until you die

I've never heard of it being put like that. I would consider going through the menopause as being the actual time you go through the transition known as menopause for a few years whatever. After that you're called post-menopausal, not menopausal.

if it's for a few years I would grow to look even more decrepid and lessen my chances
I wonder about this; how it is dating as you get into your 50s/60s and beyond. My grandmother married her 2nd and 3rd husbands at 62 and 79 so I tend to think of it as quite normal. Obviously your health makes a difference as you age, but if I look at the people I'd potentially be dating now, at 53, they have aged just like me. When I look at men in their 60s, they don't look unpleasant to me, so why would I look unpleasant to them in ten years' time? Some people find it harder to see past wrinkles etc. but at some point they'll have to choose wrinkles or nothing, won't they? I'm not so sure that your chances will be lower later on.

When I was dating last time, I joined a group for single people doing activities together. One woman there said she had met the man of her dreams in her 40s - but they had only had 5 years together when he died.
I met my live-out dp when I was 47, and have really enjoyed him being around in those 6 years. Sometimes I wish I'd met someone like him years ago. Your what-ifs now are "what if I met someone and he was put off and if he'd met me later then he wouldn't have been" - but later they might be "what if I'd met John earlier and we'd had longer together". We can't plan our lives to avoid all disappointment or regret.

I found getting through each day a challenge when menopausal, so I wouldn’t have. We all have different menopausal journeys though.

We can't plan our lives to avoid all disappointment or regret.

This is very true. There’s never a perfect time to do anything. If you want to meet someone go for it. A relationship that depends on you presenting your ‘perfect self’ would be exhausting in the long term.