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Original poster

Dating advice - too aggressive or interested?

57 replies

Lolailo · 10/03/2023 02:13

I would like to get some advice for the following situation.

I am not sure how much context to add, but I have been single for 5+ years. I haven't dated much dealing with other things life threw at me.

I am kids free for two weeks and last night I decided to do something I enjoy and I joined a meetup of a "bowling" group. I'm quite good at bowling and have played for many years. A man approached me (very friendly) asking about my game and we chated briefly. We met again while ordering at the bar and I mentioned a friend of mine during our conversation, to which he asked me if she was cute. I told him yes and that she was single. Then he asked me "what about you?".

I deflected and brushed it off without answering his question, and then he insisted in paying for me beer. I thanked him saying I should pay next time, to which he responded he hoped so, because it meant he would see me again.

He asked for my social media, and when the competition was done we stayed to hang out and play some more (as so did a lot other people). He also tried to "stay in touch professionally". I don't want to be outing, but let's say that if I was a baker he asked me if he could order a custom cake from me.

He has added me in social media today and sent me a message that I haven't opened yet.

I find him very attractive physically and intellectually. But I thought he was a bit young. In looking at his socials he is at least 30 for sure, but I think he is JUST 30. I'm 40.

I would like to get to know him (we share a hobby and he is as good as me and was really fun to play) BUT if he keeps being so straightforward:

A. Friendzone him
B. "What about you? Are you single?"

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 12/03/2023 11:12

"My gut told me ONS,"

Listen to your gut.

Doesn't mean you can't be hobby pals though.

Goatbilly · 12/03/2023 11:15

He may want children at some point in the future,that could be a deal-breaker?

cassiastatham · 12/03/2023 12:54

Right now you have an impression of him. You fancy him. You are attracted. He's physically attractive to you. All good.

Spending time with him and learning about him observing his actions will give you more info on what he is really like irrespective of your fantasies.

He may be better than you thought, worse, or in-between. Experience is the most accurate way of assesing what someone is like, ie, reality testing.

We can make assumptions based on your gut, his social media presence, his star sign but you're more likely to get an accurate assesment slowly getting to know him 3 weeks to 2 months.

Not a perfect idea, but more information for sure.

Original poster
Lolailo · 13/03/2023 11:27

Goatbilly · 12/03/2023 11:15

He may want children at some point in the future,that could be a deal-breaker?

Many things could be a deal breaker. If you say that because of my age, at 40, I am perfectly capable of carrying.

OP posts:
Goatbilly · 13/03/2023 16:12

Lolailo · 13/03/2023 11:27

Many things could be a deal breaker. If you say that because of my age, at 40, I am perfectly capable of carrying.

Show quote history

How do you know? You cannot guarantee that, nobody knows until they are pregnant to full term and have a live birth. How entitled.

Original poster
Lolailo · 13/03/2023 19:07

Goatbilly · 13/03/2023 16:12

How do you know? You cannot guarantee that, nobody knows until they are pregnant to full term and have a live birth. How entitled.

Show quote history

Exactly, nobody knows in general and nobody knows my personal situation, making the post I was replying to ageist.

Why else would be children a deal breaker from what I have written in this post?

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 13/03/2023 19:19

What a nasty comment.

ChaliceinWonderland · 13/03/2023 19:21

Craddle robber?

Original poster
Lolailo · 14/03/2023 22:41

Children could always be a deal breaker, but just making the assumption because of the age difference is ageist. I do have children. I don't know if he wants any. I think I am done. But not because of my age. I just don't want to put myself in the position of another breakup with children.

He wrote to me today asking me to come bowling tomorrow and then go together to the other event. On one hand I like that he is trying to do the hobby together instead of coming to the other event at the end of the night looking for a hookup. But it could also be he feels uncomfortable coming to an unknown place by himself and wants me to "bring him".

OP posts:
bumblebeees · 14/03/2023 22:58

Very interesting

xfan · 15/03/2023 07:57

You'll probably be just a bit of fun until he finds someone at a similar life stage to himself and most likely has children with them

Original poster
Lolailo · 15/03/2023 13:50

Wow, we will see if I am "fun" or anything at all first! But I get that the general consensus is men are not interested in "older" (I don't find myself old) women for committed relationships.
On the other hand I married a man 10 years my senior and nobody told him he would be my little bit of fun until I found someone younger and fitter to have kids with.

OP posts:
xfan · 16/03/2023 16:36

Lolailo · 15/03/2023 13:50

Wow, we will see if I am "fun" or anything at all first! But I get that the general consensus is men are not interested in "older" (I don't find myself old) women for committed relationships.
On the other hand I married a man 10 years my senior and nobody told him he would be my little bit of fun until I found someone younger and fitter to have kids with.

Well neither of your relationships worked out.... not sure what your point is? What you "feel" is irrelevant. You're 40 and not the target group of women to have a family with.

Original poster
Lolailo · 16/03/2023 18:20

I am gobsmacked at the comments here. I am not the target age, at 40, to have a family. Did you mean having children?
There are families without children, with stepchildren, etc. They are not less of a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolailo · 16/03/2023 18:35

@xfan the reason my relationships didn't work had nothing to do with age, do I don't know what is your point either.

Thankfully this man doesn't think that women have an expiry date at 40. We are both much more than our age and we had a great evening with the chance to talk a lot and get a bit personal.

He has asked me for dinner on Saturday, so it is a date!

OP posts:
xfan · 16/03/2023 19:49

Lolailo · 16/03/2023 18:35

@xfan the reason my relationships didn't work had nothing to do with age, do I don't know what is your point either.

Thankfully this man doesn't think that women have an expiry date at 40. We are both much more than our age and we had a great evening with the chance to talk a lot and get a bit personal.

He has asked me for dinner on Saturday, so it is a date!

Well biologically speaking women do have an expiry date when procreating is no longer viable. Otherwise they don't obviously. A man with options doesn't need to settle.

Goatbilly · 16/03/2023 19:51

You seem quite desperate to prove some sort of point, the fact a younger bloke gave you the time of day?

Original poster
Lolailo · 16/03/2023 22:42

@Goatbilly well, I am old, so I have nothing to offer, so shouldnt I be celebrating that such a prize was so kind to even look at me? Of course I can't believe it, him being a 10 and me being a 0.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 16/03/2023 23:01

@Lolailo, I don’t know why PPs are being so rude to you here. I’d listen to the friendly warnings that he may be a player, so you remain a bit cautious. But don’t let the nasty comments bring you down. It’s great that you’ve got a date with someone you find likeable and interesting. Have fun and let us know how it goes!

Startingagainn · 16/03/2023 23:02

Lolailo · 15/03/2023 13:50

Wow, we will see if I am "fun" or anything at all first! But I get that the general consensus is men are not interested in "older" (I don't find myself old) women for committed relationships.
On the other hand I married a man 10 years my senior and nobody told him he would be my little bit of fun until I found someone younger and fitter to have kids with.

He sounds great but of course it’s early days and indeed you will see, time will tell and all of that.

FWIW I’m in my 30s and so is my partner, but I’m 7 years older and he is lovely and very serious about me! I do mainly get approached by men in their 20s and 30s. I’ve always looked younger ( and probably act younger too 😂) still get ID’d occasionally in supermarkets etc and have rarely dated older because of older men seldom approach me. Tends to be my age or younger.

No kids but plan to soon and I totally understand your response to that question earlier re. Kids .

Startingagainn · 16/03/2023 23:05

And can I just add the truth is many men aren’t even that bothered about having kids. They go along with it to please their partners and many secretly breathe a sigh of relief to find a woman who doesn’t want kids/more kids.

So no for those men a women’s ‘expiry date’ isn’t linked to her “biological clock” 🙄

Mspiaget · 17/03/2023 03:20

I am appaled at people putting OP down as if at 40 romantic life is over. And if a 30 years old finds her hot, she is obviously doing well in the age department for his standards.

And to suggest that he would be the one settling... I am sure she has a lot to offer. Women putting down women. Women telling women we have no value at 40. It is disgusting.

zonky · 17/03/2023 11:01

But it's an undeniable fact that biologically and in terms of bearing children your time may be up, and which may be a deal-breaker for a lot of men. Why is that "rude"? It's literally a fact. Egg quality rapidly declines and the chance of miscarriages increases as well as genetic abnormalities.

emptythelitterbox · 17/03/2023 11:29

Lolailo · 16/03/2023 22:42

@Goatbilly well, I am old, so I have nothing to offer, so shouldnt I be celebrating that such a prize was so kind to even look at me? Of course I can't believe it, him being a 10 and me being a 0.

I hope you're joking and really don't feel that way about yourself.

If you're up for a ONS go for it.

If you're looking for something serious then you must consider yourself worthy and don't be flattered by his sudden attention and give him absolutely nothing romantic and sexually for a long time. If he his a player, he'll be off to easier pastures.

Original poster
Lolailo · 06/04/2023 09:07

UPDATE: it's been about a month and I have gone bowling again :)

I ended up cancelling dinner (and going with a friend instead) and telling the man we should meet at the venue, organically.

He wasn't there today (I didn't tell him I was coming) and I focused on getting to know another woman. It was very nice and I still got 3 other guys asking me for my phone 😅Guy #1 came to greet me because we played last time. Super cute, and also 30. We talked a lot. He knows my age, that I am divorced and have kids. Guy #2 walked me home. Held hands, and was nice to do so. I could feel he wanted to kiss me but he read my cues and was respectful. Not too excited as this doesnt sound as someone looking for something meaningful. But not discarded yet. Guy#3 promising so far. Little older, didn't look desperate to hook up with anyone and told me he has parties where he cooks and wanted to invite me to one.

OP posts: