After googling the heck for help with my marriage and intimacy issues I came across a post on here that felt so close to where I am, and are hoping that just writing this will begin to help me understand what’s happening with us right now.
We’ve been married 19yrs, 4 kids and I have never felt so lost and out of control of my feelings.
Firstly the kids…the main topic of most of our arguments. My husband has no patience and picks on every little thing, can hear them over the TV although he has to mute it to check he can actually hear them, they can’t fidget too much if sat with us, if they answer back its the end of the world, they shouldn’t kick a ball too hard at the goal in the garden. Honestly its relentless, even outsiders know what a moaner he is, but now the kids are getting older they are more aware they are being picked in for petty things, and I know we should be a team but I can’t help but have their back because he is so over the top (never physically) with causing arguments over it. They are far from perfect kids, but they are good kids, they do well at school, they have amazing manners and I can’t count the amount of comments we have had over the years by friends and stranger about how polite and chatty they are. Yes they are an absolute pain in my bum at home some of the time and drive me
to distraction, but they have consequences and usually accept them because they know they’ve been in the wrong, but this is where is becoming so noticeable they are losing respect for their dad when they recognise his complete over reactions to such little problems.
The arguments will end with the kids and carry on between us, and its the same every time- I’m wrong for not caring how they behave or I should be on his side regardless. Believe me I have brought this up to him on so many occasions and we just go round in circles.
Intimacy and sex is also a massive issue, and has grown a bigger and bigger issue over the last 3 years or so. We are both in our mid 40’s, I love sex but his interest in it has got less and less and I honestly can’t remember the last time we had any. Again I have tried to talk to him about this over the years, wrote to him about it, and after being utterly rejected on our anniversary break last year I admit my attitude towards him on the emotional intimacy has hit rock bottom.
This past could of months I have felt broken. Believe it or not he hates confrontation, is crap at communicating with me unless its general chit chat, or something he wants to talk about. As soon as its a hard subject he just wants to brush it away and pretend its not happening. You may have gathered Im not like that! He knows I’m really unhappy, and only this morning things came to a major head after I sent him some info on sex and intimacy issues. It made sense to both our sides- him saying lack of emotion lead to lack of interest, where as mine is the opposite. Although when I asked how long he felt a lack of emotion from me he said about 12 months which takes us back to post the anniversary disaster. Which made it worse for me as I said to him if it was after that what made him reject me so brutally on our anniversary?? Guess what, that started an argument, that he doesn’t think we had an issue before that although finally admitted I had brought it up before last year the infrequency.
I have never sobbed as I did this morning talking about this, which only helped with one realisation that my doubts of loving him were clarified, that if I care so much to be that upset I still do.
i have asked him to go to counselling with me, which I knew he would be reluctant to and hasn’t yet agreed to it- I can’t say I’m massively keen, but trying everything to help ourselves I am honestly at a loss what to do next.
I know he loves me, but I can’t live in an argumentative friendship. I’m sure it didn’t come out right when I said it this morning, but said to him something like Ive got enough friends I love and have a relationship with, but its only my husband I can have sex with. I know some people might be content without sex, but I’m not one of them, and I can’t seem to get it through to him a marriage without sex is just a glorified friendship.
Wow that’s a lot… apologies for the essay!