Both separated with kids and exs... can we ever find time for eachother?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

Soon after I separated about 1 year ago I met my boyfriend who was also going through a separation at the time. We both have 2 kids, though mine are a bit older (16 and 13) and his 12 and 9. We are still hiding the relationship as details of separation are still being sorted with exs and we dont want to add to the drama, but then we almost ever have time for each other as need to make excuses and cannot prioritise each other. Work, kids, and our exs schedule always comes first. Only when all aligns and we are both free we meet secretly. Which is every 2 weeks or sometimes less. We live 1h apart so we need at least 5h free for a decent meet, which with our busy lives is very rare. I worry this will never get better and we are just wasting each others time. We are both in our early 40s and even though we love each other very much I fear our timing will never be right. My ex is still controlling and makes my schedule difficult by not sharing his so I cant plan anything in advance and not have much a personal life. My bf never fights for space with his ex, so allows her to make her plans so he is always available as backup to look after kids. I often think if I love him I should just let him go find someone who lives closer to him and has a less complicated life so he can be happier, whereas my life would maybe be less complicated and with less frequent frustrations and anxiety if I just give up on having a new person in my life. We had both been miserable in our past relationships for 10+ years but because we both initiated the separations, with both exs not wanting it, maybe we feel some guilt and try tk make things "less bad" for everyone else by constantly sacrificing what we want, which is just to be together. I feel we may never be brave to trully bring each other into our "real" lives for fear it'll cause more pain/confusion to our kids and further sour relationship with exs which is hanging by a thread but we keep giving in for the sake of kids. It's frustrating everyone else seems to be able to do what they want, when they want and be free, but us. Should I just give up? The goodness and love we feel when we are together and the support we give each other with daily chats is offset by the stress, anxiety and frustration from the situation, knowing we will never become each others priority... :(

You both need to take the bills by the horns and organise a proper routine/schedule with exes. Every other weekend and 1 night during the week as a minimum. It then gives everyone proper time with the kids, and also time with new partners etc. If either one of you isn’t prepared to do that then they really aren’t that into the other. I know it’s likely to cause short term drama but would be worth it in the long run, not least for the kids having a proper routine. Also surely yours are old enough to be left for a day?

*bulls

How long do you think it will take to sort out the separation details?

You won't be able to change your ex but your kids are old enough that you should be able to carve out some more free time.

Your BF also needs to make time and not always be a back up. If he won't do that then it can't go anywhere.

Also are you sure that he is always a back up and not just using that as an excuse? Plenty of guys will say that "kids come first" etc but they're not actually looking after their kids at all, and they're not available as a back up, it's just a convenient excuse for them and they think it makes them look good!

It’s so tough. I started dating an ex-colleague 3 months ago and he has 100% custody of his kids who are a lot younger than mine, so he needs a babysitter. Their mum was supposed to be having them more regularly but it’s not happened. So we were seeing each other every 2wks or less too, but sometimes I’ve been able to stay overnight which helps. But his communication is rubbish and I don’t think it’s going to go much further. Which is a shame as I like him very much and could see a future there. But I need more than what he can give me, I mean he can barely stretch to a text or two a day.

i think if you want the relationship to survive then you need to let people know and gradually introduce him to the kids. One year in I’m not surprised that you’re getting fed up.

Yes... mine are less of an issue for childcare than his, but his ex isnt making a routine easy and my ex... well, he hasnt even moved out of my house yet. He boughf a flat 3 weeks ago but keeps stalling the move, makes up repairs and just puts zero energy into going because he knows it will make him lose some control. He refuses to discuss a routine, said I will keep kids and dog and whatever, which I wouldn't mind as like you say my kids can stay on their own, but he will throw a tantrum if I leave kids and stress me out arguing if I dont tell him everything I'm planning in advance. I jusf sometimes think he will always find something to trap me, and cause complications on my life, and my bf is "too nice" to ex to just say he has other plans...
He always says he loves me and doesnt want to lose me and feels awful and lost, but we both hate fighting and end up giving in to keep some peace even if we suffer..
Maybe we just arent right for each other as we are too similar in that...?

You need to toughen up with your ex. Legal route if necessary. Whatever your romantic status, still living together at least a year after separation is not what you want and how you spend your time is none of his business.

@Moser85 true... well I believe him as sends me pics and stuff and he feels awful and annoyed... but I agree it may be easier for me eventually then for him and I dont want to wait his youngest to be 13 or so to be able to have a normal relationship! Thats like 4 more years!
s like

I’ve got a complicated set up but I was separated properly from my ex, have older kids. 50:50 custody and new partner has no children. So we’ve managed to work it

@HappyHedgehog247 i know... i regret not taking legal.route earlier, thought itd be a waste of money which could go instead in kids and making an amicable split. If I start now feels like I lose both ends - wasted a year for nothing and will be even worse off financially having to pay legal fees plus all I've already shared with him to make him comfortable to get a nice place kids would want to spend time at. But yes, I may have to....

@Zanatdy sorry to hear that. My bf is super communicative, gives as much attention as possible "remotely" and I know he feels horrible everytime our plans go bust or we cant meet for weeks but we are both too bloody soft!!! I'm so stressed but I struggle with fighting with ex and creating a bad environment for kids... its so difficult:( hope your situation works out!

It still might not be true, my ex made out he was always with the kids to his girlfriend. He definitely was not! His social media made him look like a devoted dad too, He appeared to take lots of pics when he occasionally saw them and would put them up randomly on social media!

If your boyfriend is legit, is his ex actually trying to make things difficult for him or does he just tell her he's always available?

my kids can stay on their own, but he will throw a tantrum if I leave kids and stress me out arguing if I dont tell him everything I'm planning in advance.

Hard to see it now while you're still living with him but you'll stop caring about your exes criticism eventually!

Sorry if I've missed it but are you both married ?
Have you both filed for divorce if you are.

Are both your partners absolutely sure you are separating as it seems you are both pacifying partners to ease your concience.
It's going to be difficult as both ex's are going to realise at some point you are together, so you both definitely need to be living separately as soon as possible.

You have a hard road ahead but at some point there needs to be honesty, does your ex know you have started dating, does his ex know, are they themselves starting to date ?
It all sounds very messy.

@WidthofaLine it is messy. Yes Ive been sleeping in separate rooms for over 1 year and divorce in motion but he is making things difficult. Neither of our exs know we are dating as they struggled with separation and it feels it'd add to the drama, specially on my side while ex doesnt move out. Agree we need to be honest and just say whats happening but I dont feel safe doing it while ex in my house and he doesnt want to say until equity situation sorted... I know ex is looking for someone new, but I fear until he finds someone he will make my life difficult as it hurts him to see me happy. I know the answer may be legal route but I am alone in the uk, no fam or close friends to rely on and have been hoping for a somewhat amicable end for kids... its a horrible situation