Breaking up with someone you've been with since teens?

[Bamboo22]

I separated from my DH recently. We had been together for over a decade, since my teens. There were control issues on both sides, and the pandemic hit our relationship hard. He didn't prioritise me or our relationship at times, and betrayed my trust in a way I struggled to move on from at a very vulnerable time for me. A few months down the line, I found myself having feelings for someone else. I tried to be honest about this, suggesting we have counselling, but his behaviour went rapidly downhill, and I decided it was best that we separate.

I'm finding myself missing the life we had together. The shared interests, the comfort, the trips and experiences, the happy memories when times were better. So many things and places remind me of him and our relationship. Because we got together so young, much of my adult life is forged around the things we did together, and although I have my own hobbies, and am enjoying new ones, it does feel like something is missing. I'm trying to seek out friendships with women, but life is busy and I feel down some of the time.

I've wanted to reach out to him, but I am trying to be very strict with myself about my reasons for doing so, and I think it's nostalgia, missing hobbies and feeling lonely sometimes at the moment. I want to be friends as a minimum, and while I feel in a muddle, it's not fair of me to confuse him.

Has anyone else broken up with someone they met young and had a long term relationship with that could share any words of wisdom? Struggling to talk to anyone in my life, because they all have biased views!

Instead of looking back at what you loved about the relationship you should look back at the things you didn’t love

it also sounds like you cheated? So that in its own is a big enough reason not to return!!!

I got out of an abusive relationship, for months I missed the familiar, I missed the good times, of which there were many, it wasn't all shit. There just comes a point where the bad outweighs the good and it's time to end. I know your ex wasn't abusive, that isn't the comparison I'm highlighting, just that looking back you always downplay the bad and emphasise the good, returning will always be an anticlimax. Move on.

@Quitelikeit - I didn't cheat, but it highlighted that things were wrong for me.

You and @SunsetStrip are right though. I am ruminating on the positive bits and not enough on the negative reasons that brought us to this point though. Thank you.

I wonder if the shit weather and fact that its not properly spring yet are also factors? Yes everything is through the lens of him and your shared history - and yes you are at the very early stages of a huge shift in lifestyle. But this is a new step, you just haven't taken much of it yet because it's too new. I wish you well. There is a whole world out there for you now, enjoy this next single stage. Being single is great fun. Make sure you make plans and enjoy yourself before you eventually meet someone new.

I know exactly where you're coming from.
I recently split with my partner of nearly 20 years, I let him when I was 16

It's weird, and hard not having him here, even though it was my decision, and I decision I do not regret.

I've no real advice, but I sympathize completely

I think it's perfectly normal to miss him. Why wouldn't you? He's been a big part of your life, like family.

I don't think you need to look at all the bad to get through this either. You don't need to exaggerate flaws to be ok with not being together.

Being friends sounds like a nice idea if he's willing, just don't give him false hope.

I don’t see how you can be friends yet. You need to experience life without each other or it’s too easy to slip back into old habits of relating.

It must be hard and you will miss him but most people don’t build life-time relationships with their first loves and there are good reasons for that.