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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not communicating was his way of getting to know me!!!!!!

14 replies

mollyjoe · 11/02/2008 12:05

Follow on from my thread "I have made him paranoid"

After having numerous texts over the weekend he has now said that the reason for not talking to me about the issues he had about me in our relationship for the past 3 months was that

"It Was his way of getting to know me & what I am like & if we could make a go of it" [mmm]

I thought commuication in a relationship was about getting to know someone & working through issues. Not by keeping quiet & letting things fester?
I feel that he has lead me on for the last 3 months by not saying anything until we finished. I feel really hurt by this as i had always thought we had been open & honest with each other.

Advice would be welcome as it has really upset me & just dont know what to think.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 11/02/2008 12:24

Umm... I think the only thing to think is "What an aehole" and "I'm glad I'm out of that one"... He's trying to make it out that he was trying to make the relationship work, and that you are obviously the one at fault in all this. Which is so obviously not the case at all! If he had issues, he should have communicated them to you - how else were they going to get resolved?

He is sending you all these texts to prove (maybe to you, maybe just to himself) that it's not his fault. Tempting as it is to carry on explaining it to him, I'd be tempted in this case to just cut off all communication - if he manages to convince himself he's in the right, does it cost you anything? You know (and we'll remind you if it slips) that he is the one with the problem here.

Tanee58 · 11/02/2008 17:18

Hi Molly, found you again.

Yes, AMUM is right - he's just making excuses to make it YOUR fault. And you are right, a relationship is about being honest and open and not letting things fester. Who leaves it three months before saying anything? Was he compiling a list????

He seems to know just how to get under your skin to try to make you feel worse and him feel self-righteous. Wash that man right out of your hair - and maybe, just try making a list of all the things you found incompatible or annoying about HIM - believe me, you WIll find some - if only, that he's being a complete A* now.

Tanee58 · 11/02/2008 17:21

But you already know all that, don't you ? And yes, we'll remind you.

You are not responsible for his problems.

You deserve better.

big hug.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 12/02/2008 09:07

Yes I am so now as how could somebody do that to & let them carry on telling them that I love them.

It cant have bothered him that much when he was coming round sleeping in my bed etc..

OP posts:
SparklePrincess · 12/02/2008 11:40

Just get rid. My H refused to communicate with me for over 8 years & thinks the whole thing is my fault.
Lifes too short to waste on losers like that.

Alambil · 12/02/2008 12:28

My ex convinced himself that he didn't abuse me for 18 months...! The mind is a very powerful tool in the wrong hands; it can be manipulated and convinced of things that are clearly untrue.

You know he is being a tosser - delete his number, if he keeps harrassing you then call your phone provider and see if they can block his number.

Don't give him a second thought - you've had one hell of a lucky escape!! Just remind yourself of that whenever you start blaming yourself; it is not your fault

AMumInScotland · 12/02/2008 13:02

mollyjoe - I was just looking at your old thread and I think the important thing is not to get sucked back into a relationship with him on the grounds that you can "sort it out" this time. This is a man who has serious jealousy issues - he blames you for the fact that you still communicate with your abusive ex-h (er, yes - you have children together), he blames you for having said "I love you" to your boyfriend when you were 18 (er, of course you did), he goes through your phone to check up on you, he thinks you have been limiting the relationship to part-time (when you've seen him 3-5 times a week), he has tried to restrict your choice of friends, he has turned up unannounced to try to catch you out, and then, having finished with you, he phones and texts to say how he's missing you and feeling sad, and how he was only being distant to find out whether you could make a go of it.

This is a man who will only be happy if you are with him 24/7, never have any contact with anyone else, and reassure him every minute of the day that he is the only person who matters in the entire world. And even when you do all of that, he will behave in any way he likes in order to test the strength of your love for him. And he will do his best to convince you that it is right for him to be like that, and you are the one who is in the wrong for not being loving enough, not being committed enough, basically just not being good enough.

Please, please, please stay strong and don't let him convince you that it would all be different if you just give it another try!

EffiePerine · 12/02/2008 13:03

Sorry he's still being an arse Mollyjoe . He's trying to manipulate you. Cut him off and move on.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 12/02/2008 13:50

Yes I know as he has text today as my DS was really poorly last week & just wanted to know if he is ok. But no kisses today. Yes all mind games. As he also send that he wouldnt text again as he didnt want me thinking that he was playing with my feelings!!!! And yes going through my phone to see if I had been ringing ex husband....totally out of order.

The more I think about things that he has done & said etc, not being supportive after having my operation I realise it really is him that has got a problem & not me.

It is hard as I really do love him & missing him like crazy.

I have got one of those phones where you can reject telephone numbers before they ring or send a text.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/02/2008 13:54

You're a naturally loving person. You'll find someone more deserving to give all that lovely emotion to once he's off the scene. It just takes a little while to withdraw from the unworthy object, like peeling off an old plaster, it was very close to you and it hurts but it just has to go.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 12/02/2008 14:09

Yes I am naturally loving but was even more so with him as just never felt like this before & I did tell him I didnt deserve to be treated like this & he still carried on & blamed me for being mardy
I know I let it carry on until he totally broke my heart.

But they do say love is blind.....

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 13/02/2008 17:35

yes, love is blind, at the start... but gradually the blinkers come off and you find that the love object isn't quite what he seemed. And then you either still love the reality - or you realise that the person you loved didn't really exist.

Concentrate on that - he's not what you thought he was, and you have had a lucky escape - and you WILL find someone better.

Tanee58 · 13/02/2008 17:36

AMuminScotland has summed up the situation brilliantly. Keep reading her posting and if that rings true, thank your stars to be out of it! You could have found that you'd exchanged one abusive relationship for another.

  • you'll be fine in time. Just give yourself time and keep refusing his calls.
warthog · 13/02/2008 17:49

i really think you've had a lucky escape there.

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