Feeling distant and lonely after birth of DD

[babypanther]

My DD is a couple of weeks old and I love her with all my heart. Unfortunately my mental health has been very poor since DD’s birth, the health visitor came to see me yesterday and said she thinks I have PND. I had a C section so DP has been doing everything for me and DD for the last couple of weeks, I would have been lost without him. However we have also been arguing a lot.

I know sleep deprivation is probably getting the better of us, I have been extremely emotional and tearful and DP is exhausted, we have been bickering a lot about stupid things. Even when DD is asleep I feel like we aren’t spending time properly with one another, I feel like we are ships passing in the night. DP isn’t eating properly or looking after himself, he has told me he feels quite stressed and overwhelmed and I’m worried about him. He is the sort of person who thrives off routine and we don’t have one at the moment. I’ve been encouraging him to get out of the house every day even just to go for a walk or a run, or to the gym, but when he’s gone I cry and feel desperately alone.

I know that the first few weeks are hard and I didn’t expect it to be easy. There have been times where I fear DP will go out for his walk etc, and not come back. He has reassured me that he loves me and DD and would never leave us, and is just finding it hard. Im finding it hard too and feel like we need each other more than anything, we keep talking about how we’re a team and need to do this together, but I feel like we are just distant and going through the motions.

Has anyone got similar experience? When did it get better?

Sorry to hear you're feeling low. I think this is reasonable common. Your whole life has been turned upside down. I think we felt it more with our first than our second.
Do you have any other help from grandparents or siblings or are you doing it all yourselves?
If you are really struggling you could ask to be referred to Home Start or equivalent - they have volunteers who can come and help you for a few hours a week.

At the moment it is very difficult but it will pass. I can't give you a timeline as everyone is different but just try to take each day as it comes. Don't put pressure on yourselves to carry on as you were before. Just focus on baby's needs and your needs. I promise you it will get better x

Also you've said he's going out for a walk/run etc - are you getting any time to yourself at all? I think that's really important too.

@cornflakegeneration thank you for your lovely message. My parents and DP’s parents have both been helping out, they will take DD out for a walk etc and tell us to have a break but personally I find it very difficult to relax when she’s with other people - even though I know that she is in safe hands. I have been very anxious and paranoid. I am trying to sleep whenever I can but I don’t feel rested when I wake up. I know I probably need to set some more time aside to myself - yesterday I realised at 4pm I hadn’t eaten or been to the bathroom all day. I just find it hard asking DP to do XYZ when he is already doing so much.

First of all, congratulations. ❤ you are not the first and you wont be the last to feel this way. I was with my now husband 5 years when our first came along and and seriously thought we'd end up breaking up. We never argued so much before then. Hormones and sleep deprivation have a lot to answer for. I remember a friend saying that the arguing was normal and that I should let it go. I felt lighter when I did.

Go to your GP and see if you can trial some anti depressants to get you through and as soon as you are physically ready, get yourself out into the world of baby groups. You'll meet all sorts of different mothers, first time ones, second etc and you can share your experiences. I lived for the groups. It was the only way I was getting out and socialising which I personally thrive on.

It will get better.

Is your DP back at work?
Do you feel anxious to ask him to do things because you feel that will make him annoyed and drive more of a wedge between the two of you?

What help are you getting and also are you getting out? It is all good and well parents taking baby and you sending your partner out but if you are stuck inside your world becomes very small. Can you go on walks with them where they push the pram/wear the carrier so its no strain on you? It doesn't sound like the help they are giving you is helping if it adds to your anxiety. As for going in the bathroom/eating etc set yourself a little but flexible routine. If you have a baby seat plonk it in the bathroom whilst you shower/bath or what ever. If needs be have one for the bathroom and one for kitchen. Just a simple light wire frame one worked well for me. Talk at baby as your doing things. Make sure you have simple easy to grab healthy snacks and a bottle of water so if you forget a big meal you can have something smaller. Meal planning will help you both and plan with meals you can bulk cook. It sounds like you have both list your way which is totally understandable as a new baby throws out any old routine but the basics of healthy nutritious food and fresh air will help you all. When you feel able to get out more join a baby group whether it's breastfeeding or sensory. It's for you really rather then the baby as meeting new mums helps you feel less alone. Your partners life seems to continue with him going to work etc whilst yours seems to have stopped. it's only natural to feel the way you do but you can with help and support and some understanding from loved ones create a new routine for yourself and your baby

Yes - I remember my DH saying how do you g couples who've not been together long cope with this! You need a very solid foundation to be able to muddle through such a strange time.

Hi op

I just want to add if I can help even a little. I just had my 3rd dc who is 11 days old so I understand how your feeling.

Firstly you are just starting your journey into parenthood it is so early at this stage that things will be overwhelming and you will feel like you and dp are ships passing in the night. This is normal your priority at the moment is taking care of your new baby and finding your feet, take the relationship pressure off the list of things to worry about. Communication is key here, you need an honest chat with your dp and clear the air and agree some new ways to move forward. Make a plan. Try to stay calm with each other and understand that yous are in this together and will come out the other side. Baby will settle into a routine before you know it and then this is the time to spend more quality time with dp even if it's just watching a film together and having tea and biscuits.

What sort of support do you have around you? Also good idea to link in with your GP for a chat as-well. although it doesn't feel like it now but things will improve.

As I said before communication is key, me and dp agreed that we take the pressure off ourselves and the home environment. If I'm exhausted then he just does things around the house and vice versa so inevitably stuff gets done but only when one of us can muster up the energy. If overwhelmed I speak up and say I really need to go to bed for an hour etc and dp takes over. No need to both be awake if we are pottering about the house and one can catch up on some sleep. Don't feel like you can't speak up and say if you feel that way. When the children are all asleep that is our time to chat and catch-up.

It is tough this early on and how your feeling is normal. Your placing yourself under a lot of pressure to do all these things but try and simplify it to the basics.

Hope that makes sense somewhat.

Hi OP so sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I had a baby almost 6 months ago and remember feeling similar - although it did definitely pass. I was concerned I’d suffer from PND as I’ve had mental health issues since childhood but as far as I feel, all is ok.

Your baby is so tiny still, getting a routine is going to be hard. It’s lovely you’re concerned for your DP and encouraging him to get himself out etc is so selfless. Remember you need that ‘you time’ also. Especially if you have help from parents (we don’t as I’ve been NC with my mother since birth pretty much, father was in and out and my partners parents are 200miles away) so take advantage as much as possible.

There were days I never thought I’d feel normal again but I promise I feel loads better now, it’s still hard, but myself and DP know our ‘roles’ a bit better now and our confidence has grown immensely.

We still haven’t been intimate or been put together just yet but the intent is there and we talk about our relationship a lot just to remind each other that we still love each other, nothing has changed - in fact the love has grown since baby was born.

The early days are difficult but it will get better. Sending love to you x

Hiya, congratulations on your daughter.

I want to say that what you're feeling is absolutely normal, but you might benefit from seeing a doctor. I have OCD and with my first baby went off the deep end a bit - terrible OCD flare and I know they were worried about psychosis. I got great help from community midwife, who got me seen by doctor, psychiatrist, community mental health midwife very quickly. With that, counselling and antidepressants I recovered well. People refer to the 'baby blues' but this is a complete understatement of what you can end up feeling!!! Please reach out.

I had my son 3 weeks ago and haven't had the same reaction at all - I'm a bit easy to cry but that's it (though I remained on antidepressants so that's probably helped).

How was your DD's delivery? You've been through a huge ordeal, please be kind to yourself. You don't just bounce straight back up from having a baby.

With regards your DP, can you both climb into bed in the evening with the baby? You might find it less isolating. Pick a show to watch together - we've started on Succession, even if we only manage to watch episodes in 30 minute slots it does help us feel more connected.

Congratulations.... It's a big adjustment for you all and when you throw tiredness and hormonal changes on top it is a difficult time to navigate to find the right balance and the new 'you' as a couple. Please reach out for help, are there any groups in your locality for new mums that will allow you to make friends and chat openly? Do contact some counselling to so you can talk about how you are feeling and coping with adjusting. It is important not to bottle your feelings up.

Hi there. I’ve been there and done that - once a CS followed by awful baby blues but which eased brilliantly by about 5-6 weeks, once a VB that became very complicated and then significant MH issues that lasted a couple of years.

I can see that you and DH are arguing/bickering, both finding it hard, he isn’t looking after himself and misses his routine, and you feel like you aren’t really connecting and feel distant. My understanding of your post is that you’re worrying this means maybe you aren’t really a team and your relationship is under threat? Have I got that right?

What I would say from my own experience is that DH and I were the same, both times. And it took me a long time to realise that despite feeling so disconnected and like ships in the night even when we were in the same room, that wasn’t a sign of anything wrong with our relationship. It was a sign of exhaustion and of the bomb going off that is a new baby! Our relationship was still good, just temporarily hidden under the bickering and disconnection.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I am already on ADs but I think the GP might increase my dosage. DP has been off work, he is starting back on Monday and we have just had a chat about it. He asked me how I would feel if he went and stayed at his mum’s house during the week while he gets back into a routine, I of course said I didn’t want him to do that and got a bit emotional and panicky.

He said he doesn’t know how he will cope being up all night and then going to work so I have basically said I will do all night feeds from now on… I know I don’t have to wake up early in the morning to go to work, and he will, but I still feel a bit crap about it. I understand where he is coming from but at the same time I now feel like I’m going to be alone all night, alone all day, and by the time he gets home from work I’ll be exhausted.

I feel even worse now. I know he is trying his best and not doing it to be unfair, he has been doing everything for us the last two weeks, and I know so many mums do everything completely on their own. I’m just finding it a bit tough.

It's good that you've had a chat and o think you're right to say no to him going to his mums - yes he has to get up for work but it's very unfair for him to expect you to be left alone with a new baby.

I think a compromise of you doing the night feeds is a good one. Even if it's just for a while. Also he can do feeds at the weekend.

You're definitely not alone in this. My DP and I have been together 10 years and had our first DC 5 months ago. It was incredibly tough on us both and we were on the verge of breaking up early in the year. We sat down and talked everything through and both agreed to start putting more effort into the relationship as we'd been neglecting it since the birth. We're doing so much better now so hopefully things start to improve for you too.

I do all night feeds since DP went back to work and we've found that me going to bed early (say 10pm) and DP seeing to DS until midnight works for us. It means I get some uninterrupted sleep and my DP still gets enough rest for work. My DP also uses foam ear buds so that he's not awakened by small noises DS makes which may be an option for your DP

I hope things improve sooner<3

When it comes to raising small children the days are long but the weeks and months fly by. Every time I am having a bad day I remind myself about this.
My youngest is 6 weeks old and is starting to do a 4-5 hour stretch at night. It makes a massive difference to get a bit of sleep. Also getting out and about for a walk or meeting a friend for a cuppa can really help otherwise it’s lonely being home all day.
I am BF so do all the feeds, but husband tries to give me a break after he puts toddler to bed every night. Your relationship does change completely after having a baby but it can bring you closer as a couple if you see yourselves as a team and both do your best as parents and partners.

How are you feeling today OP?

@cornflakegeneration I am okay thank you, just feeling exhausted. I was up every two hours with DD last night, luckily she seems to be falling asleep a bit better after her feeds but I’m still awake for about an hour/90 mins every time she wakes for a feed during the night. I’ve been like a zombie today although I’ve tried to nap when she does. I’ve felt a bit teary ar times thinking about next week when DP is back at work and I will be doing night feeds and having DD all day. Im worried I will be so run down and not look after her properly. I’ve been thinking about asking if my mum can come and stay with me during the day.

Solidarity my love. My son has nappy rash and was up every hour last night as he's so uncomfortable.

Having your mum around will really help. Feeling isolated is the worst part of having a baby.