Desperate! What am I doing wrong?!

[Bobby43]

Before I start, I appreciate this is war and peace but I really am desperate and don’t know what to do and would really appreciate some honest advice/help!!!

I have been with my husband for 17 yrs married 14 with 2 children (12 and 8). My h has a good job, earns a good salary and works very long hours and always has done. He is a committed family man and everyone says he is a decent and genuine person. He adores his kids (boys). I work part time in a caring profession.

From Mon to Fri I am pretty much a single parent. Even when I work the expectation is that I do everything which I have accepted despite my job being pretty stressful.

My husband is a glass half empty person and can be quite critical and negative in life and towards me. I am a people pleaser, over thinker, a pretty positive person and also quite sensitive.

I feel I can do 99 things right and 1 thing wrong and he ll pick up on that. He also has a short temper and when he is stressed (always work related) he flies off the handle and over the years there have been many occasions where he really has shouted at me. A recent eg was when I took his car (on my workday to help him) and cut a long story short the garage wouldn’t take it (nothing to do with me obvs). He literally screamed at me when I told him and blamed me. I told him it was completely unacceptable. He later apologised and said he was frustrated with work. I challenged this and was immediately shut down which is a common thing. This led to a one car sitch for weeks and me ferrying him before school to and from the car garage. Totally expected and zero appreciation. If the sitch was reversed I never would have heard the end of it!

When I try to talk to him, I often have to say his name 2-3 times before he responds. I regularly feel that when I speak to him it’s a chore to listen / converse. If I ever call him at work he can’t get off the phone quick enough. I then hear him on the phone to female colleagues for 30/40 mins having a lovely chat! I have pointed this out to him and he just tells me not to be so silly and it’s work. His work people think he’s the dog’s rod btw.

I always plan anytime we have alone together, arrange weekends with friends/family, arrange and book holidays (which are always a source of stress as he doesn’t like spending money). We have a lovely time, still attracted to each other and always have stuff to talk about when we go out but I’ve stopped doing this over recent months as I can’t be bothered and just wish he would show some interest/commitment or arrange just one thing, anything!!

It is so hard to have any conversation around feelings as he finds it too hard. This is so frustrating. I am so desperate to talk to him and move forward but it just feels impossible. This is
making me feel really resentful. I am so willing to work with him and through anything and accept my part in things but clearly not poss if he won’t speak to me.

I have been very hurt previously and def have trust issues and he has never given me any reason to doubt him. However, because I feel so neglected I have jumped to conclusions that there may be someone else at times which has obviously pissed him off as he feels I have questioned his integrity.

My parents divorced and mum had a few disastrous relationships after which caused her to eventually retire from men. I therefore never really saw a relationship that worked. My h’s parents were happily married for years but never showed any emotion / hugs and showed love by doing things for him.

I do absolutely everything I can to support the kids and him but there is never any recognition / appreciation/ kind words. My h rarely asks me anything. He is so tired he just wants to sit and watch tv at night.

We have different communication styles… I can talk for England, he is a listener. He is an internaliser and I am heart on sleeve (if I can trust you!)

Over the years I have suggested relate but he refused and I ended up going on my own. I have also tried to write a couple of times. A couple of years ago I wrote him a 7 page letter and he said it made him feel sad, he agreed with everything I said and he would try his best but really not much has changed.

My h was diagnosed with depression approx 3 years ago and is on meds. It took years to get him to the docs.

My eldest is noticing things as he’s getting older and says things like h has anger management issues and said he was sexist the other week which I thought was an interesting observation from a child. Both children have commented that they have improved in their football since dad stopped shouting at them.

After a particularly nasty outburst a few weeks ago and feeling that I am increasingly defending his outbursts to my eldest I gave my h an ultimatum that he needs to get help or we split. He has been better with his outbursts but he says he will sort himself out and that he does not have anger issues. I know he won’t seek help.

I do appreciate that I have a part to play in the marriage not working and I would do marriage guidance or counselling but he is pretty dismissive as can’t see it is necessary.

I could survive financially alone but I don’t want to. I want us to all be together but I just don’t know what I need to do to make this happen.

If you asked my h, he would say I overthink things, there is no problem, we re just tired and his work is stressful at the moment. Yet this has continued to consume me for years and I feel like I’m going mad…. is it me overthinking things and am sabotaging my relationship!?!? I sleep really badly and I could count on one hand how many times he has asked if I’m okay over the years.

I love my family unit so much and I’ve always thought my h and I have all the ingredients but the cake is not rising! I know my kids and h would be absolutely devastated if I ended things and worry how I would cope as a single mum and it would devastate kids and h not to see each other every day. The kids are doing so well and I worry about how a family split would impact on them particularly given they are boys. At least it would be the end to this torture…but is it me creating it in my mind and would I just find something else to worry about?!

As you can tell I am very confused and really would appreciate some totally honest feedback. Thank you for listening x

Unless he is willing to address his issues nothing will change OP. Talk is cheap but from what you’ve said that’s the best you are going to get from him.

It sounds like you life could be much nicer and less stressful without him.

Your son's would adjust. He has the responsibility to see them regularly.

You can perhaps work more and they get older. In the interim you have CM and UC.

h would be absolutely devastated if I ended things

His potential devastation has not been enough for him to change his behaviour for any length of time by the sounds of it.

You went to Relate in your own ffs. The clue is in the name - Relate and you ended up having to go on your own.

Oh and you'd be amazed at how quickly many men can recover from such devastation and find themselves a new woman for wife work company etc. I've seen it happen pretty quickly and solidly in men who didn't want their marriages to end (in spite of never changing the behaviour that was causing them to end (.

”h would be absolutely devastated if I ended things” - His potential devastation has not been enough for him to change his behaviour for any length of time by the sounds of it.

I agree. It’s a shame, given that you still enjoy each other in some ways. He takes you totally for granted. But his aggression, his sheer rudeness to you, would be a deal-breaker for me.

This relationship sounds like a one way street, and worse, he can treat you however he pleases, takes his frustrations out on you and you are not permitted to ask for anything in return.

This video will give you a way to think about how conversations go in your house, whether they are fair and equal or not.

Start at 7min mark to get into the crux of it.

It sounds awful and not great for your kids to grow up around. I get how stuck you feel though, it is hard to leave even when you kind of know in you heart how bad it is.

You're being treated appallingly OP.
Think better of yourself and less of him. He really isn't all that worth entertaining any longer IMHO.

My relationship has just ended after similar problems but initiated by him. I have wanted to end it several times as felt like nothing was changing but didn't as wanted a family unit. Now I realise it was never going to work because he wasn't capable of stepping up and I was basically driving everything. In the end he got resentful of being asked to do stuff and decided he wanted out. It's hard and I'm scared but I know I would have never got anything back our whole lives if we had stayed together

Marriage shouldn’t be this hard. Living like this isn’t good for you or your children. I think you need a separation. He needs therapy.
You need to escape this abuse. The damage this has done to you and is doing to your children is immense.

I can't see how you can even stay with him?

Marriage shouldn't be so hard OP 🙁

You've invested so much of yourself and time into your family and clearly it has had a wonderful impact in your boys.

Before you make the difficult choice of your next steps. Have an overdue rest. Take yourself away for a week or two. Go on a spa trip, go on a city break, stay in a hotel and just sleep.
Do something on your own and get an well deserved rest. It'll give your husband a taste of the stressful and fast paced life you've been living.

dont give him an option in this - just go.

See how you feel once you get back. You may be missed by him more than you would think. And if not then you know it's best to move forward with you and find happiness again.

I do absolutely everything I can to support the kids and him but there is never any recognition / appreciation/ kind words

so stop
🛑

take a step back and disengage

what hobbies would you like
would you like to see friends more
start carving your life and fun

I’m not going to go all LTB on you

bit sounds like he’s been Center of your world and he’s disappointing

focus outwards and on you and have a think 🤔

In a few years the DC will have left home so what interests and hobbies do you have? What do you want YOUR life to look like?

I wouldn't be in a hurry to leave but I would withdraw most of the physical effort and emotional investment. Redirect your energy and head space into yourself and your goals.

Its not you, it's him but your people pleasing behaviour is a serious problem and hinderance to you so needs to be addressed through therapy. People pleasing behaviour often comes about as wanting to parent please otherwise absent or emotionally unavailable parents. You end up being unable to say no, have poor boundaries and put your own needs and wants dead last. Your self esteem is through the floor as a result and your H has capitalised on that as well.

Your parents failed you as a child and no-one has ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know and what you have with your H is not at all healthy. Your inlaws relationship is not healthy either.

re your comment
"My eldest is noticing things as he’s getting older and says things like h has anger management issues and said he was sexist the other week which I thought was an interesting observation from a child. Both children have commented that they have improved in their football since dad stopped shouting at them".

Your child is wrong in one respect re anger management; his/her dad can and likely does control himself around other people and there is evidence in your post to suggest he can do this. Anger management courses are no answer to domestic abuse which is what you are also describing here. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Image is all important to abusers and many of them can be quite plausible to those in the outside world; it is behind closed doors that their true nature becomes apparent.

The emotional damage here being done to you further and in turn your kids is incalculable and may only surface in them more when they embark on their own relationships as adults. Mitigate the harm being done to you all long before that stage arrives.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.
You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Your innate desire to keep your family together has come at too high a price, a price that you and your children are all paying. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

I’ve been the child in this. Your husband is the same way my Mum was, nothing came above her job and she would treat everyone like shit if she had a bad day and my Dad just let her get away with it.

One day he is going to start this on your children when they ‘frustrate’ him as well. Seriously don’t put them through it. I’m in my 50s now, and if DH has had a bad day (he’s never once taken it out on me) I am on high alert the whole evening expecting to get screamed at. It’s a horrible feeling, don’t let them feel the same.

What are you doing wrong? You're creating excuses for your abusive husband. Stop that, and give him full responsibility for all of his actions, and you might feel differently. This isn't about your behaviour, it's about his.

Your kids deserve far, far better than being made to live with the trauma of domestic abuse. It will damage them for life. I speak from experience.

Was really sad to read this imagining how this must feel for you every day :(

I have to be honest I was so shocked that you can count on one hand the number of times your husband has asked how you are over the last few years. Years!

what kind of person is this man that he is living with someone and he cannot even see them? He doesn’t talk to you, doesn’t ask you how you are, what he can be doing to make your day / week / month better.

this is not a partnership and you deserve better.

your husband is not modelling to your sons what a supportive partner looks like. And I’m sorry but you are not modelling to your sons what a positive relationship is either.

you are giving this man all of your emotional time and energy, you are running his house, you are raising his children. And what is he giving you? Abuse. He is screaming at you, he isn’t talking to you, he is not showing you care or compassion or basic interest.

you need to call a crisis meeting, and show him how deeply unhappy you are. Print off your original message on this thread for a start and let him read everything you have just said. It is not the post of a happy person.

you deserve better and there is time to carve out a happy calm peaceful positive life for yourself.

your children will be grown one day and adults with their own lives. Show them their mum takes care of herself and lives a positive and happy life x

I really hope your ultimatum meant something because this man is never going to change. He doesn't respect you enough to do so. Please get your children out of this wretched environment. It's massively affecting them.

You've told him the choice, he GETS help or you split.

That doesn't mean "sort himself out", that means someone else helps him. So you can either tell him you meant it, and make him get help, like Relate or you split - tell him that next time he's away you don't want him to come back.

See a lawyer about your position whatever happens, start girding your loins for battle either way.

I will add, I gave my dh a similar ultimatum and he did sort out Relate. We went, he says he had expected the counsellor to say that I was totally unreasonable and it was all my fault, so he was thoroughly shocked when she made it very clear that HE was the unreasonable one. Imo she did it gently enough that that realisation came upon him, rather then her saying "you're unreasonable you utter twat"! She was good.

Relate wasn't a magic bullet. It was a slog for a long time, and then our dd started chiming in at home about him, answering him with her truthful views etc. She was soooo brave because he could be scary when he shouted, or thumped walls, but he doesn't do any of that any more. Between us, dd and I, we have made him into much more of a human being, and that human being is very like the one I need.

We have been married over 25 years, and it's taken most of that time to get here. We still have work, as he still doesn't treat dd quite right at times, so she won't play music with him, which he would dearly love. I am much more strong in her defence, stern and uncompromising even unkind, but he takes it better and I think he now knows that I tell him these things because I genuinely do want them to have a better relationship. It's taking time, and dd may feel it's taking too long but it's a slow process trying to bring out the best in someone, and doesn't necessarily suddenly speed up as you go.

Only you can decide whether it's worth the wait for you. And it only worked really because 1) Relate and 2) dd speaking her mind to him when he was being unkind or rude. She was younger than your eldest btw. I am ashamed it took that and regret it mightily.

Oh and finally!!! All that was always there in him.

I mean the kindness and thoughtfulness, the better side of him was always there.

everyone says he is a decent and genuine person.
His work people think he’s the dog’s rod btw.
but what do YOU think

Even when I work the expectation is that I do everything which I have accepted despite my job being pretty stressful.
why? Would you see him do everything when knowing he is stressed and busy whilst you relax? Why do you think he’s ok with you being in that situation

my husband can be quite critical towards me
there have been many occasions where he really has shouted at me.
he screamed at me
does that sound ok to you? What if your friend said it about her husband? How would you feel for her?

It feels like it’s a chore to talk to me
he talks to other women happily
he shut me down as usual
I have to ask 2-3 times for him to listen
I asked him to go to therapy he refused
nothing changes
I feel so neglected
does this sound ok?

The kids are doing so well
no they’re not. They are confused by his behaviour, they comment on his anger and his sexism and then you defend him and tell them this is an ok way to behave. They’ve made it clear they arent ok with his criticism and it makes them perform worse at sports that they love

i want us to all be together and be ok
nothing changes
I know he won’t seek help.

Relate and couples therapy are not relevant here, due to the domestic abuse.

OP-it's important to remember that children learn how relationships work from their parents. Your sons are likely to grow up to treat their partners the way they have seen their father treat you. It sounds as if you wouldn't want that to happen.