Hi,
I am in need of some perspective, some wisdom and some encouragement as I’ve had the shock of my life and I’m struggling to process everything to move forwards.
Three and a half week ago found out my DP is a drug addict (cocaine) and has been the entire relationship, and has hidden it from myself and everyone on his life. I only found out on my birthday weekend when he got arrested whilst driving us home, and therefore had no choice but to come out over what was going on.
For some context, I have been with him for 4.5 years, we have a child each (same age) who have grown up together in this time and see each other like sisters. We have had a wonderful, beautiful journey up until the past 6 months where the stress of buying a house and my child becoming chronically I’ll had taken its toll and it’s been met with depression from both sides and a lot of unhappiness (of his doing). This man came in to my life where I was in a good place and happy single, and after being consistent and effortful, a supportive best friend to me I could not have wished for a better man or relationship at the time. We are great together. He has taught me to love my insecurities, one of those transformative ‘solid’ partnerships (or so I thought). I would have 100% married this man and vowed the rest of my life with him, and had no doubts whatsoever that he loved me.
We bought a house middle of last year and since then with everything going on it’s been so so difficult. The back end of the year he was out of the house more and more, struggling with ‘work’, with the stress of the house etc and although I begged him to be home more to support me it would change for a day or two then back to me being on my own to juggle my sick child, trying to keep a full time job at home with her off school, my own finances, hospital visits, her being anxious and clingy as expected my days were taking care of her and a demanding job, trying to keep the house running, then crawling in to bed exhausted at 10pm after I had settled her to sleep too tired to eat or shower myself. I lost sleep due to my worry and anxiety over her, lost weight as I didn’t have time in the day to eat and I was exhausted. Really hard on all of us but in retrospect much harder on me. I was so so lonely and he wasn’t there because of x,y,z excuse.
In December - he had some job changes etc and was struggling, always had to take another job on in the evenings for money. I was trying to support him too, he was losing weight and had been doing since the summer, not eating, and being so tired he couldn’t get up at the weekends so the morning were always me tending to the kids doing housework etc. During the week was painful, it took around 2 hours every morning to wake him up drag him out of bed and I was losing sleep (his alarm 5.30am and mine not until 7.30am, with his snooze going off every ten minutes and me shoving him to try and wake him you can imagine my frustration on the loss of sleep on my efforts), this went on for ages. He was constantly late, losing track of time and that perfect, consistent and reliable man just disappeared over time. But due to the depression and the clear pressure and stress he was under, I wanted to support him.
Due to the money struggles he was having, I noticed I found myself having to pay for things on my credit card more and more, the food shopping for the family, our cat had surgery, the kids Christmas presents etc etc. we would nip into to a shop for something and he would pile expensive ‘treat’ food on to our shop, always including a bottle of whiskey on a Friday for a treat for working so hard. I’d always ask if we can afford it but when we got to the till it was the same story, his card was at home or he would just put his head down and it would be me paying a weekly ad hoc £80 Tesco bill which I could not afford! But it was always a ‘one off’ or he would ‘send me money’ which of course never happened.
In January - the month before his arrest. I was 3k on my credit cards through December and paying for my child’s counselling sessions an extra 40 a week, and I had to dip in to both mine, my child’s savings and extend a loan just to clear the cards. Then I reviewed our joint house account and realised that the whole of December and in to January he had not paid a single penny in to the joint bill account, that was all me too, so I went ballistic at him. He has been out of the house all December evenings ‘working’ (enough for me to suspect he was cheating as I KNEW something was a miss), but he had not paid a single penny in to our family life at all. I was met with the usual depression this, personal bills and credit cards getting too much etc, fuel for work was expensive. That was when I realised that he was the reason for my unhappiness, and I seriously questioned the relationship and his selfishness. He cried and sorried and promised he’d be better. And he did. January his mood picked up, he was home more, helping more, trying to pay back what we had lost in December for bills and I started seeing his old self again. Our intimacy returned. His mood around the children (also something I spoke about with him multiple times over December) had lightened, he became the dad he always had been again.
Obviously, although the past few months i have been unhappy, the relationship up until that point had been wonderful so the pain I have been experiencing and the realisation of how many lies (so many lies I’m starting to realise he had told they just keep coming every day and it’s never ending) and other lives he had been hiding with his drug addiction was a huge hit for me to process mentally and emotionally. Although I have found some relief in this, because now everything makes sense to me, it’s been so painful for me to find all this out.
He was a mess when he got arrested, he had bitten himself everywhere and had his own fantasy of what his life was crash down on him. He needed help, and therefore I have supported him whilst he gets well. He had hidden this from me, his family, his boss, his friends and had to come out over it all. The amount we found out he was taking, was costing him about £300 per week, he was on it DAILY for almost 5 years and had hidden it from everyone. Nobody knew but his dealer. Tried to get off it a few times on his own, failed time and time again no more than a week or so clean. Debt got out of control, sent him in to depression, took a huge toll on his body where he lost all his weight and strength and then as a result come December, he started taking it more and lying about his whereabouts where in reality he was out getting his next fix, covering up his misery with even more drugs. He had a rolling debt with his dealer which was accumulating, and couldn’t pay it off as he was adding more to his bill on a weekly basis. As for me, I have had to come to terms with that I have never known this man off drugs and the reason why he hid it so well is because I hadn’t known him any otherwise. I thought he had ADHD and his personality was just consistent, why would I? It hurts so so much. I knew something was not right in December when things got bad, but I just didn’t know what that thing was.
Since he has been on anti-depressants, going to support groups for his mental health, got a drug worker, GP appointment for his overall health and working to pay his debts off. Bi weekly drug tests and he is chipping away at his debt and trying to make amends to everyone on his life. As if this wasn’t hard enough, I haven’t been able to leave because once again I have become secondary. I tried to go to a hotel for a few nights in the second week after I found out just to escape but I had a breakdown and had to come back home. I have needed to be home whilst I processed the shock of it all. As he is rising from the ashes of his own mistakes, I am withering away in my grief and pain. I have not even told my own parents what I’m going though.
This week, we went though his debt and it was much worse than i thought, totalled up to about £15k altogether and that has been the thing that has tipped me over the edge because I cannot to be in the relationship with someone who has lied and hurt me so badly, and now I really can’t because I cannot afford to take this debt on I would be so stupid to do so. As much as I want to be there for him, of course I do I love him, I am now this week processing that I cannot be here anymore. He has hurt me too bad and done too much practical damage. Although he is trying to support me now in my grief, and doing everything he can he has made such a mess of everything there is too much for me to cope with. The house and my current finances worry me, how I will cope, the kids, the car etc and I am scared.
I am I’m in desperate need of some clarity over this and some support and words of comfort because up to now I have been dealing with this on my own and trying to be strong for himself and the children. Thank you