I need some perspective on marital problems

[KLFisgonnarockyou]

My wife and I have a problem and I need some perspective. The problem from my perspective is that we cannot resolve small arguments without my wife escalating them into huge arguments where she will turn violent or will damage things.

Over the years, we’ve had arguments over what I see as trifling issues as buying the wrong brand cheese or which way to go back to the car park, where my wife will end up exploding.

She refuses to discuss the anger management unless I admit the initial spark was some major sleight.

I’m at a loss as what to do as yesterday my wife exploded in front of our child as I picked him up after he’d been screaming for me for ten minutes but my wife wanted our 2 year old son to cry it out.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your wife is abusive to you and in turn to your child.
It is in your and your son's interests to get away from her completely. I am sorry to write this but you cannot rescue and or save this relationship. Its over because of the abuse she is meting out to you and in turn your son.

This is an abuse situation and this is no life for you, let alone for your son, to be raised in. You have a choice when it comes to your wife; he does not. Make better choices for both of you now.

Abuse is neither a relationship problem nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. Abuse is about power and control; she wants absolute here. Chances are she was also raised in a violent and or otherwise abusive household; do not let this violent behaviour from her be the cornerstone of his childhood.

She likely can control herself around other people and does not shout at them like she does to you and your child. Therefore AM courses are no answers here; they are not effective anyway when it comes to domestic violence which is what is being described here.

If you are in the UK do contact ManKind; you are not the only man to be caught up in such a relationship so please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed; all those emotions are totally misplaced. Their helpline number is 01823 334244. I have also posted a link to them for you below

www.mankind.org.uk/

I ask her FINAL time to get help with her anger management.

If not - I am out.

1. Why should she ever be allowed to bully & abuse you like that treating you in such a toxic way?

2. Why should you be a victim in this relationship?

3. Why are you not allowed to pick up your son if you decided to?

4. Why do show so much psychological weakness and allow her to control you like that?

I've heard a true crime story about a wife who killed her husband during her rage pushing him, he hurt his head on the radiator and died. They had a 5 y.o. daughter. The woman went to jail for that,

*I would ask her

*4 Why do you show

As mentioned anger management is not the answer here.

If she can and does control herself around other people then she does not have an anger management problem. She does not speak like she does to you to the neighbours, people in the street or to her work colleagues like this does she?. She like many abusers is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Thanks. I don’t want to say I’m in denial but I’m reluctant to call it abuse. My wife’s point is that the thing that triggers her anger is something I’ve done wrong. Yesterday it was about not consistent parenting as she wanted our son to cry it his upset, and I undermined her by picking him up after some time.

"Why do show so much psychological weakness and allow her to control you like that?"

Do not victim blame successgirl. That is an unfair accusation against the original poster.

This all down to the perpatrator of the abuse; its not his fault in any way. Abuse as well creeps up on people over time by degrees and some are unaware of what is really going on till the abuse ramps up even further.

It doesn't matter what she believes you have done to deserve it, it is not an acceptable response to shout and scream and be violent and damage things, even more so in front of a child. Her "triggers" are very much hers to own and manage, not yours or your childs to navigate

It is abusive behaviour, I know that's difficult to accept, but that's what's going on here.

don’t want to say I’m in denial but I’m reluctant to call it abuse. My wife’s point is that the thing that triggers her anger is something I’ve done wrong.

You wanted to comfort your son; nothing wrong in doing that.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and just because you are a man does not make you immune to being abused. There is no excuse or justification for the ways in which your wife is treating you and in turn your child.

BTW many abusers are adept at blaming others rather than their own selves and again here your wife is blaming you for things that are not on you. She is refusing to take any responsibility for her actions choosing to blame you for it all instead. Did she herself grow up seeing an abusive parent; it is highly likely she did.

You have a choice here to make re your son. Do you want him to grow up continuously seeing you as his dad be abused because this will affect him markedly as he grows older. He will not in turn say thanks dad to you for remaining with his mum. You have a choice re your wife and I would choose the future wellbeing of your son over her.

When I say violence, I’ll say that my wife will throw liquid over me or dig her nails into me. It’s not weekly, but it happens fairly frequently

Exploding because your partner comforted your tiny child is not reasonable. At all. Doesn't matter which way she spins that.

Oh god KLF thats awful.

Please find the courage within you to end this relationship for good before she goes onto further beat you down mentally and take your son down with her.

It is important to recognise that you are not to blame, you are not weak and you are not alone. Understand what is happening to you.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse or domestic violence, it is unlikely the abusive person will change their behaviour towards you. Domestic violence or domestic abuse is always about asserting power and control.

Many men call the Menkind helpline saying that they love their partner and the partner loves them, they just want to help their abuser to see what they are doing is wrong. You cannot change the abuser’s behaviour, only they can.

My wife’s point is that the thing that triggers her anger is something I’ve done wrong

And what does she say is the thing that decides how she deals with her anger, once it's been triggered?

I don’t want to say I’m in denial but I’m reluctant to call it abuse

It is abuse, so you are in denial.

Your child will do many, many things "wrong" as he grows up. He will spill things, break things, refuse to do what you ask him to do, forget to do things, have tantrums, etc. Will that justify your wife losing her temper with him? Is that how you want him to grow up? Seeing his mother's rages and being told they are all his fault?

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your son needs to be taught that valuable relationship lesson and you need to find some strength and courage within you to take the first step, often the most hardest of steps, out of this relationship before you are further beaten down emotionally and physically.

Please call the helpline I put up a link to when it is safe for you to do so. They can and will help you here and it is ok to ask for help. Its not weakness to do that, that is strength of character.

Do not hesitate either to call the police if you feel physically threatened and I would document all injuries she inflicts onto you to your GP.

Can you say why?

You need to end this relationship.
Who is the primary carer for your son? Do you both work?
If she is the primary carer (e.g. works shorter hours than you), it is going to be difficult to convince the courts that your son must live with you instead of her.

Other posters may be able to give practical advice, but I suggest you should start gathering evidence, e.g. take photos of your injuries or thrown items and damage, try to secretly record her outbursts.