Could I please have a hand hold while I plan my new beginning?

[Nameofthegamechanger]

I've posted before but am regularly name changing as H knows I'm a regular user. I could really do with some support as I feel like I'm living some sort of double life at the moment.

Married 4 years, together 10. 3 dc ages 18, 14 (mine) and 5 (ours), home is rented, I own a small property currently rented that I need to sell in order to move on as it's unsuitable to live in with the kids and too far from schools, work etc. He has always assured me, even in the worst of times that he wouldn't touch it so I'm hoping he keeps his word on that.

I want to leave because I'm fed up of being his mum. Things have been awful for the past few years. He has anxiety that he refuses to get help for and it rules our lives. He doesn't want to socialise with any friends, doesn't get on with my family and we have such different outlooks on everything. He has no sex drive at all and despite him thinking its possibly medical and lots of promises over the years, has not sought any help for it.
He is easily angered, dismissive, seems to think of me as a faulty domestic appliance. I do 100% of the childcare, house work, car maintenance, garden maintenance, diy, life admin, cooking, you name it. I also work 3 days a week. He works full time mostly wfh and is therefore King Of Everything.

Years of misery have ground me down to the point where I'm just not sure if I can live like this anymore. I don't recognise myself anymore. Him wfh was the final nail in the coffin I think, there's no escape.

I've been a single parent before and I was very happy. I'm not scared of coping with the day to day of living alone with the kids. I know I can cope and I'm certain that I will thrive to be honest.

What I'm scared of is his reaction. I've tried to tell him I want to leave multiple times, very clearly. I'm currently attending weekly sessions with what should have been our marriage counsellor but he refused to go so I'm going alone as I think this will be the last chance to afford any sort of therapy.

He has talked me in circles and told me that I won't cope on my own, I'm an incapable parent, I'm mad/mental/not all there etc, I won't cope financially. He says he won't live apart from his dc and that we'll just have to work it out or otherwise live together for the sake of the kids. He has somehow convinced me to agree to 'try' again for another few months.

In the mean time I am furious with myself for giving in and being so weak. I am reading as much as I can about gaslighting and similar types of low level/non physical abuse, trying to work out some sort of financial plan for me and the kids and he is in Super Try Hard mode.

He's Being Nice. All the time.

I know it's only going to last as long as it takes to get me back on side but it's so hard to live with. I really did love him so much. I thought maybe I could again if I tried hard enough but I'm not sure that's ever going to be possible. He's going to get so so nasty when he realises I'm serious.

I'm really scared of how awful it's going to get or even worse, if I lose my nerve completely and stay. I've never been 'the bad guy' in a relationship before and I know I will be.

If you got through that, thank you and any words of wisdom would be so much appreciated.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Firstly, however he may choose to portray this, you're not the "bad guy" here. You're being more than reasonable.

Secondly, you clearly appear to be competent and capable from what you've posted, and have thought this all through really well. That will help massively in the weeks ahead.

Thirdly, you say you've been happy single before, so focus on that goal... You know that the grass will be greener!

Be strong, and be kind to yourself!

Start by getting a full time job.

Thanks so much. I'm so full of self doubt at the moment.

I'm taking In as much info as I can to prepare myself but my head is absolutely fried. I cant reconcile the Nice DH ive had for the last 2 weeks with the miserable git ive lived with for the last 5 years.

Re working full time. I'm part time at H's insistence. I've already asked for extra hours and am covering any extra shifts I can. I work nights as he doesnt want paid childcare. I've also been put onto a management training course/pathway at work as they want me to move into a management position within the next year or two.

I gave up a lot including a decent business to be here with him and pay more than my fair share.

If you can bear it, what would seem like the thing to do, to me, is to insist on going full-time and changing to day-time hours (if possible). Insist on him paying his share.

Use this stage where he's trying to appear reasonable to keep you to get the obstacles out of your way.

Lie like fuck and pretend these compromises will change your mind.

Quietly get things sorted so you can jump ship. Then just do it one day without discussion, just move out and then sort the rest of it out from your own place.

And don't feel guilty about any of it - all these things he does, like having you pay more and stopping you from working fulltime, refusing to use childcare - that's all about controlling you and making it hard/impossible to leave.

Whilst he's being nice carry on working more and training as much as possible.

Research childcare options.

Ultimately you can choose to serve divorce papers.

I would get legal advice on what to do about the property you own, whether to give notice to tenants now as it could take months for them to leave or sell with sitting tenants etc. accept he probably will go after it in the divorce settlement.