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Original poster

New DP moving in

24 replies

VitaminSea77 · 07/03/2023 18:43

Hey, not sure if this is the right place to put this but would love some advice

Been separated from my DCs dad for around 3 years now. When he found out I was seeing someone new (after we’d been separated for 2 years) he attacked me, it all went to court and I now have a restraining order on him for the next 2 years.

been with my new partner for a year and he gets on very well with DC. They still have access with their Dad and see him once a week, handing children over goes via his Mum.

his family have been horrible to me regarding my new relationship and try to make my new partner feel very uncomfortable if he is ever in the car with me at drop off

We would like to move in together soon and DC are very happy about this.

my question is - would you let exH and his family know that new partner is moving in or do I just do what I want, considering how they’ve treated me, and let the DC naturally tell their dad/his family??

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 07/03/2023 18:45

Maybe best not to tell your children be the first to tell him as they will have to deal with his reaction.

Fidgety31 · 07/03/2023 19:00

No it’s none of his business
He is an ex so has no say in your life now

negomi90 · 07/03/2023 19:05

I'd send a courtesy text when they don't have the children so that your children don't tell them and then have to deal with a nasty reaction in the moment.

Not because you have to, but because it will be best for the kids to not see the reaction or worry about dad finding out.

Anotheradventureforme · 07/03/2023 19:12

I am old, so excuse me, but what's the rush to move in together?

I hope this new chap is the one, I'm pleased the kids like him, it all sounds promising - but it's only been a year.

Original poster
VitaminSea77 · 07/03/2023 19:33

Thank you. I thought it best to tell them myself as I worried about the DC facing the brunt of their anger if they were the ones to tell.

@Anotheradventureforme no rush and probably won’t happen for another couple of months once we get things sorted. But we’re all very happy with the idea, he is a great addition to my life and vice versa 😊

OP posts:
littlebirdieblu · 07/03/2023 19:46

A year is no time at all, please don't rush in to living together, you don't really know someone after a year. How old are your kids?

mackthepony · 07/03/2023 19:48

Er, no. If you split he'll be hard to get rid of.

Would he contribute financially?

Noicant · 07/03/2023 19:54

You’ve only been seeing him for a year. Even if your kids sound enthusiastic just give them the stability of their own home for a while. I understand you are happy but really think about what would be good for your kids. If your relationship breaks down and he’s living with you your children will feel it too.

YouTarzan · 07/03/2023 19:58

Your kids are telling you what you want to hear.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 07/03/2023 20:02

You’re a fool if you think you know someone after a year

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 20:08

Given your traumatic history and the children’s don’t move in together yet would be my advice, it’s only been a year. Your partner and his family sound awful but I do wonder why you brought your new partner to even pick up the children when you know it causes issues. Far too soon. If it’s meant to be then waiting another year won’t matter. I would want to know there was some commitment from him before I allowed him to move in with my children who have already had their father leave them. What is your rush?

SO224350 · 07/03/2023 20:12

Welcome to mumsnet OP, where the rest of them wouldn't move a partner in till the children were at least 25, and then they can treat him as nastily as they liked 🙄

Mumsanetta · 07/03/2023 20:14

Well done on moving on after your ex but surely your children have been through enough already without you moving someone else in after only a year together? How long were you with your ex before he moved in? Might be best to slow down and give it a few years to avoid further the risk of further upheaval in your children’s life.

Mumsanetta · 07/03/2023 20:17

SO224350 · 07/03/2023 20:12

Welcome to mumsnet OP, where the rest of them wouldn't move a partner in till the children were at least 25, and then they can treat him as nastily as they liked 🙄

Acrimonious separation from children’s dad + new relationship + court case and restraining order all in the last 3 yrs but you think the suggestion OP should slow down is just typical mumsnet?

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 20:18

SO224350 · 07/03/2023 20:12

Welcome to mumsnet OP, where the rest of them wouldn't move a partner in till the children were at least 25, and then they can treat him as nastily as they liked 🙄

I wouldn’t move a partner in in under year if I had children. What do you think the benefits of it are for the children? Their parents have already split up. There’s no commitment from the new guy, it could easily be all over in a year. Do you think that’s fair on the children?

Bananalanacake · 08/03/2023 08:12

I'd give it at least another 2 years.

Xrays · 08/03/2023 08:14

It’s too soon for the new partner to be moving in. I say that as someone who is remarried and been with my dh for 15 years - he met dd when she was 4, he moved in when she was 6. I know this isn’t what you’re asking but especially given all the stress surrounding your ex I think you’d be mad to move someone new in.

junebirthdaygirl · 08/03/2023 08:25

I can't understand you having your new partner in the car when dropping children even to their Gm when you have only been together a while. Keep your life with your former inlaws separate from your partner as its only increasing drama. Your dc then get caught up in all this.

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 08:28

1 year is too soon. 1 year is still dating territory. I can understand him having met the kids if it's hard to get childcare, and I don't always think that's a big issue if it's say at the park or something and he comes along for a coffee and feed the ducks or whatever - in that respect it's not much different to having any of your normal friendd come along. But, having him in the house and known as a partner to the kids after a year is so rushed. What if you break-up? Will the next partner be this involved after only a year too? You can see how this could lead to many partners being introduced to kids.

Don't move in yet.

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/03/2023 08:43

One year isn't dating territory. By a year you should know whether you love someone. In any case everyone is different in terms of timescales. On here I have actually seen someone say that you should not introduce your children to a new partner for at least two years. In reality how many people do you know that actually do this? Obviously you need to be 100% sure this is the right decision.

IneedanewTV · 08/03/2023 08:48

Why do you take your partner to the pick up? I just don’t understand why you would do that. My ex H has never brought his partner to do a pick up and ex and I are fairly amiable. It’s like a red rag to a bull.

you need more time on your own. You need to be more independent. Have you done the freedom programme? Just don’t move him in yet. Why can’t you just enjoy dating and having fun until the kids are a little older?

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 08:58

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/03/2023 08:43

One year isn't dating territory. By a year you should know whether you love someone. In any case everyone is different in terms of timescales. On here I have actually seen someone say that you should not introduce your children to a new partner for at least two years. In reality how many people do you know that actually do this? Obviously you need to be 100% sure this is the right decision.

Yes, I think you should know if you love someone, I still think it's way too soon to live together. I think 1 year is fine to have met the kids but not to be acting as a family and have him so involved. 2 years is more reasonable for that. I'd say 2.5- 3 years is the perfect moving in with kids timeframe.

Seen too many instances of bf/gf being introduced after less than a year, moving in, new babies and not even 2 years together! Just for them to break up and repeat the cycle again. That's not good for the kids.

I've been dating my bf for 2 years. He has met my child and we have spent time together but I wouldn't be planning moving in until another year. My child has already been through a break-up with her dad. She needs more stability.

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 09:09

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/03/2023 08:43

One year isn't dating territory. By a year you should know whether you love someone. In any case everyone is different in terms of timescales. On here I have actually seen someone say that you should not introduce your children to a new partner for at least two years. In reality how many people do you know that actually do this? Obviously you need to be 100% sure this is the right decision.

‘In reality how many people do you know that actually do this?’ In reality how many relationships last though? Unfortunately it’s not just about the adults where children are involved. You can love someone and the relationship still doesn’t work out. It’s not fair on the children to have people coming in and out of their lives.

Snugglemonkey · 08/03/2023 10:54

I also think it is too soon for this. The dust has not settled on the last relationship. A year is a short time. Your children need time, you need time, the relationship needs time. One year is a really short time in the scheme of things.

There is not enough separation between your current situation and your last. Your boyfriend should not be picking up your children with you. Why antagonise people?

If you are going ahead with this, do not put your children in the middle any more than they already are, ensure they are not the ones bearing news.

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