Would you consider meeting up/ becoming friends in this situation?

[Teaandtea]

Together for over 4 years, 2 years broken up now, he coldly discarded me, told me he didn't love me, haven't had any contact but likely to bump into him in the future - would you keep firmly in the past with continued no contact? I'd never get back with him but am a terrible people pleaser, likely low self esteem, can't bear the thought of not being on good terms with people. I know people say exes can become friends after a lengthy period of no contact, but would you in this situation?

No, Jesus, he does not deserve your friendship. By all means say a civil “hello” if you bump into him in Tesco but otherwise block for good.

You owe him nothing

No, just don’t go back there. I’m like you and hate being on bad terms but unless there’s kids / shared pets then I just wouldn’t bother

I know that's the logical thing to do so I don't know why this has come into my mind recently - after all, he wasn't very nice to me at times, belittling in the form of 'banter'. It took me a long time to get over.

No!!

No don’t go there quick civil hello if see in shops but nothing more.

If my ex wanted to rebuild the friendship etc then I would, but I would wait for them to offer the offer so to speak

God no

Don't make yourself vulnerable to any more of the cold treatment you got from him. If it can't be avoided then a civil hello but keep moving past him. There is no place in your life for someone like this. 🌹

But did your boyfriend treat you as badly as her boyfriend did?

I had a previous boyfriend ghost me after we’d been together for about a year. A couple of years later he got back in touch asking to meet up. I was in a good place and involved with my now DH, so agreed. Turned out he wanted to apologise for the way he’d treated me and we parted on good terms.

I would continue with no contact x

I'm confused. Does he want to be back in contact with you? Has he messaged you?

To be fair a different situation. The way the op ex was then omg 😲

I'd leave him well in the past, where he belongs. I couldn't ever be friends with someone who'd hurt me a lot.

Of course not. And work on deleting the people-pleasing, the way you would any other bad habit.

It's not in your best interests ti engage with a man who treated you so poorly. Is it worth speaking to someone about why you feel the need to do this? You're actively going against what's best for you

No. Every time you say “no” to someone like this, (and simply ignoring/ blocking them is also a perfectly fine “no”), you’ll feel a bit stronger.

every time you put your well being before people-pleasing, you’ll heal a little bit more.

be strong!

Good grief! No no no no no!

I did speak to a counsellor in the months after a few times, but not since. She helped me to realise I'd a lucky escape.

Back to counselling for you, I think 😊

You know you're a people-pleaser to your own detriment, so you need to work on that.

It's not necessary nor healthy to put yourself in his firing line again and just gives him an opportunity to be his worst self again. Don't you think people should have consequences from their bad actions?

Say if Paul treats me badly, the consequence for him is that he doesn't get to be in my life any more (which he's probably not bothered about, but that's the consequence). He doesn't get to carry on with me making nice, as though nothing he did hurt me and that he has nothing to feel guilty about. He probably won't feel guilty anyway, but I'm not going to be complicit in him going about treating people like shit and thinking they'll be fine with it - it's bad for his karma as much as anything. Nope.

Wow, brilliant advice and makes so much sense! Thank you.

Tea, he belittled and callously discarded you. You were traumatized. Please don’t self-harm by allowing yourself to once again be this narcissistic man’s ego supply. He enjoys tearing you down and is a danger to your emotional health.

Surround yourself with people who enrich your life, Tea. Stay away from those who diminish you.

Yes, I think my self-esteem was low and realise someone with higher self-esteem wouldn't give him a second thought.