How big a deal is this?

[perpetualworrier]

I have been married 15 years and have never come close to being unfaithful to DH.

I have worked for the same large co since I left school and in most of my roles I have been one of the only women in the office. During that time I have genuinely felt well respected by my colleagues, have had some good male friends and with only one or two minor exceptions in 20 years, have never felt physically threatened, even though we have a lot of dos, without partners and with lots and lots to drink.

Fri night we had our annual awards dinner, with an overnight hotel stay. Great time had by all, lots to drink.

Anyway, there is a man I have worked with on and off for 20 years - we were teenagers together and now he is married, with DC's similar age to mine. We get along, support each other at work and I have always felt very safe with him. He is the one who always makes sure I get home OK, but he had never made any attempt to touch me, beyond a peck on the cheek at the end of the evening.

But, on Friday, he was all over me. He was quite drunk, but not completely out of it. Thankfully, I wasn't too bad and he didn't take much fighting off. I still believe that he is basically a good guy.

So really, I am shocked, as I never had any idea that this might happen, fell a bit guilty, as I probably left myself open to it, as a felt so safe with him, but also a little sad. He is one of the most married people I know. If he can do this when he gets a night away from home, does that mean all men will given half a chance?

As an added complication, we won an award and the prize is 4 days in Spain. Partners not invited and he will be one of the only people there I know.

Guess I just want someone to tell me I'm not a terrible person for letting this happen and that everything will be Ok. My working life will be much poorer, if things are awkward between us.

Something similiar happened to me and it is really awkward afterwards.
I plucked up the courage to speak to the man about it the next working day and it did help to stop any future awkwardness. I think he was really embarrased about it, ans had a few "issues" with his marriage at the time, not that that is any excuse.

BTW you DID NOT ALLOW this to happen, stop telling yourself it was something you did.

Oh dear you are not a bad person & please dont blame yourself as it wasnt you that overstepped the mark.

See how things are when you get to work, but he should be apologising to you for making you feel uncomfortable.

Sending you a hug as I know how upset you must be feeling.xx

You have done nothing wrong and I think you should ask him for an apology as soon as you see him.

Regarding the work trip - how about your husband pay for himself and go along and make it a little break for you both?

You need to tell him how uncomfortable this has made you and why.. that it's because you never imagined this situation, he's always been such a good friend and colleague etc etc. Leave it to him to attempt to put this right. it could have happened for a number of reasons; maybe just that he was stressed/worried about something and this coupled with the alcohol made him behave in a way he would not have normally. Let him explain it to you.

Discussing it will also reiterate the message that you are not, never was and never will be interested in him in that way.

And this isn't your fault, you trusted him as your friendan and colleague and he as overstepped the mark. He should be stewing over this, not you.

You didn't kiss him/respond to any advances in any way did you??

Oh, I know how you feel. This happened to me at our last Christmas do.

I felt constantly guilty afterwards and worried that I was too 'nice' to the guy. I was really trying to let him off gently as I thought he'd be mortified the next day when he was sober and realised what he'd done.

But he didn't take any gentle hints and even when I sat him down and said: "No, I don't feel the stupid 'spark' between us that you are convinced is there, and can you get your grubby hands off me and it wil NEVER EVER happend!", he still tried all bluddy night!

It made me doubt myself afterwards and made me wonder why I didn't tell him straight right from the start and did I lead him on??

But ultimately, it's his doing, not mine. And it took a while to realise that.

I think you should speak to this man. Make it very clear that you will forgive him this one instance (if you want to obviously), but you will not tolerate another situation like this and maybe mention the trip to Spain so that he has not illusions about it.

x

Well said Wonky.x

Thank you all for being so kind.

No I didn't kiss him, or respond other than to push him away, but if I'm completely honest, there was a moment when he was kissing my neck, when I didn't want it to stop, but only a moment and I got a grip very quickly.

He has already apologised, at the time and at breakfast he next day and I don't really think it will be awkward between us - suspect we'll be the subject of some gossip though, but I will laugh that off.

I think I feel a bit guilty, as I was a bit flattered, but the 2 things that worry me most are:

• That it will spoil future dos as I will be on my guard and we've had such fun together in the past.

-He has always seemed like the perfect husband and father and I'm really sad that even he could behave like this, given the opportunity. Is it really just a basic instinct and would all men behave like this if they thought they had a chance? I doubt whether it had anything to do with me at all, there weren't many women there!

As far as the trip is concerned, it would be out of the question for DH to come, this is a corporate event, with activities planned for every waking hour. Should be great fun, I'll get to do jet skiing, parachuting loads of exciting once in a lifetime stuff and I'm really honoured to be going. This is a very big deal in our company. About 400 going from a staff of 100,000.

You should absolutely NOT feel guilty, or that you were to blame in any way.

I think it will change your friendship, sadly, but I do not think there is a lot you can do about it. Other than trying to put it behind you and not second guessing any comment he makes.

It would bother me too that he forgot his wife and family after a couple of beers. I do not think all men are like this, I am pretty sure that my DH would never do something like that.

As to your trip, go and try to link up with someone else as soon as you get there (a woman, preferably) You sound confident enough to be able to make new friends reasonably easily. And have fun!

This happened to me once too, with a guy I thought I was good friends with and could trust.

After it happened I arranged to meet him for a coffee and made it clear that our friendship meant a lot to me and if he ever overstepped the mark like that again then there would be no friendship.

I was pretty devastated that someone I trusted could do this. And for a split second I too, was flattered. But then you just have to tell yourself that this is absolutely not the sort of person you would want to be emotionally involved with.

Not all men are like this. Sadly there are many who are. But many women who are too. It's just an awful realisation when it's someone who you trust.

FWIW - my advice is to be very open with him about it. Not to let it fester. And not to let it ruin the friendship (if that's what you want). He's probably totally ashamed of himself, especially after the rejection, and will just be glad to still have you as a friend.

Worrier, maybe it was just a blip. People make mistakes and chances are he was confused about things in his own personal life (no excuse I know, but understandable).

And he maybe so mortified by this one wrong decision he had made. If you had known him for such a long time and he has never tried anything like this ever (with you or anyone you know) then maybe you can forgive him this mistake?

I don't think it means all men are capable of this, but I don think all of us (men and women) have low points where we don't do the right thing.

And don't let it spoil future do's. Accept that he'd made a mistake and that it won't happen again. If it does, then you end the friendship right there and then. I don't think he'd deserve another chance if he repeats his performance.

x

Thanks again, it's been good to chat this through a bit with people who don't actually know me.

Trouble is I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past, which perhaps should have warned me this was coming eg he is often full of innuendo and he recently asked me if I minded, I said you can get away with it, it's not creepy when you do it. He also warned me about another man poss coming on to me at the Christmas party, although that certainly didn't happen.

I think we'll be Ok, main concern now is going to be the gossip. We have periodically been subject to it for a while, as we do spend a lot of time together, but in the past I have been able to laugh it off with a completely clear conscience.

Also, I know one particular clique is very jealous that we got the award and were actually taking bets about what might happen between us on Fri night. (no idea how they're going to prove who won mind.)

Not your fault at all. And he's apologised, so ... And, no, it doesn't mean all men would do it (I'm a man). Means he was drunk, he fancied you, he did something he shouldn't have. He's probably thinking about what it means for his marriage - he's probably more racked about it than you.

Thank you AFD.

I'm not sure that it really matters who's fault it was. I just want to find a way to make everything OK now.

During the debacle, I did remind him of his wife and he said "I honestly don't think she'd care" That's the first time he's ever spoken of her like that, so maybe they do have issues. I really don't want to know about them though. Does that make me a terrible friend, or just sensible in the circumstances?

Doesn't make you a terrible friend (and I wasn't trying to attribute fault - just saying you have nothing to feel bad about); just means your friendship isn't based around discussing personal crises. Nothing wrong with that. And if it isn't based around discussing personal crises, no reason to start when he's slobbering on your neck. If you're now feeling uncomfortable with conversations of the past, let him know that - given what happened - you're not comfortable with the innuendo. He'll probably get the picture. And I understand about workplace gossip about your friendship: if you get any, confront it head on. I get it sometimes, thanks to my friendship with a woman at work, and I refuse to be embarrassed and tell them we're friends, and anyone is welcome to join us at lunch/whatever ...

Thank you agian AFD.

I'm on hols this week, so I'm kind of dreading what might be going on a work and what I might be facing when I get back, although I'm probably over reacting and it will be business as usual. Man is on hols next week, so by the time I see him again, it will all be long in the past, so unless he raises it, which I don't expect him to, I think I'll leave things be. He knows it's never going to happen again.

It will be interesting to see if he still wants to "have a laugh". I'll miss my dance partner if not (that's dancing like I would have done with a girl friend in 1980's discos, nothing more).