What to do when he seems to phase out chat?

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi lovely ladies,

Firstly, this is not a new person in my life and I was without him for two and a half years but he recently came back with all the promises and telling me he had changed.... we haven't met up yet as we don't live near each other anymore but we've been talking non stop and after my initial fears, I've been enjoying him in my life again. On Sunday he sent some very short replies to my lighthearted, jokey messages and then radio silence from him.

Am I wrong to over analyse this? I am an anxious attachment style of woman but we're in our 30s and he came on so strong initially that I feel stupid now. Do I call him out and ask why or just leave it? I'm tempted to just not reply if he gets in touch, it sounds petty but I just don't want to be messed around.

Thanks for your advice xx

Hi Op, have experienced similar.
The phrase that leaps out from your post here is "all the promises".
I think that the signs are it wouldn't be wise to be overly invested unless there is a very good reason for this 'radio silence'.
Furthermore, if there is, it doesn't hurt to text that they've got a busy week or whatever and that they will be in touch.
If it's a repeat of a previous pattern with this person then they haven't changed and it's better to cut your losses.
Just my view, interested to hear other views.

It's definitely a repeat of previous behavior so not sure to call him out or just forget him. I was enjoying having him back in my life (and him chasing me again if I'm honest) so it's pretty disappointing

I don't why they do this. But I hate it.
You have my full sympathy. Been there.

And some of the answers like 'he's just not in to you' aren't always true. I think it is true a lot of the time but some are just shit communicators. Or just rude. Want options. It can be anything.
One thing though, it's not your fault in any way. They just do this. Don't doubt anything you've done (I know I do).

Lovebombers podcast/you tube thing by Mathew hussy is helpful

Like it was literally all day every day for weeks, love bombed again I guess. Any advice....ignore when he comes back or is that childish? Question him now?

How do you know we are all “lovely ladies”?! 😂

This person pulled your chain to see if you were still available as an option. Once they could see you are, the novelty has immediate worn off and they will treat you at the same level as they did before, because they can, if you allow it.

Don't answer him, let it fizzle out. He's not the one.

I am an anxious attachment style of woman

Then find someone who reassures and is consistent. He's ruled himself out of a relationship with you.

Honestly after wasting the last 3 months with someone who is a poor communicator and thinks it fine to not message me for 2 days sometimes, get rid.

If he is already aware of what your want and he has 'promised to change' and then not delivered on the promise then you know in your heart you'll need to throw this one back. Giving lots of chances shows your boundaries are flimsy, which is a dangerous precedent to set in a relationship; you need to act like someone who expects to be respected. However, you don't need to go about it in a reactive way (which can be difficult if your childhood taught you that your not entitled to have boundaries). You simply need to be direct - and you can use a light touch. You could send a message saying "earth to Mr X... do you copy?" And when he replies you can say, "phew! Glad to hear you are alive! if we are at the stage where we are in contact on a daily basis, I'd like a heads-up when you are going to be out of reach" (or whatever feels an accurate statement of your wishes) and then guage his reaction. You are looking to see if he can meet your need to be in contact and giving him the chance to respond graciously and even with humor if he is emotionally mature enough to not get all defensive. If he indicates he cannot meet your need, or he is defensive and blames you, then he simply isn't a good prospective partner and nothing you can do will change that, so best move on as soon as you can to find someone who can.

This person pulled your chain to see if you were still available as an option. Once they could see you are, the novelty has immediate worn off and they will treat you at the same level as they did before, because they can, if you allow it.

^^ This.

You’re a mug if you put up with this kind of behaviour again when you know he has form for it. Best course of action in my view is to text something along the lines of…. “You said you’d changed, but clearly you haven’t. However I have changed and I’m not going to put up with being mucked around more. Have a nice life.” Then delete, block and move on. Don’t get sucked in again, this is clearly going nowhere.