Not sure whats going on, mind games or something else (sorry long)

[TLV]

stb Xh had dd yesterday, he brought her back early so he could wash the car (he lives at his mums at the mo btw) anyway I wasn't overly happy about and did suggest he use a car wash or do it at his mums, various excuses made including using dd, so he stayed for a bit I made him a cuppa (i have to say I've been thru hell since he left and have really picked myself up and feel much better about myself ie more confident etc) to cut it short he started flirting with me and if I'm honest I suppose I did a little back mainly because I felt in control.

He then went on to offer a back rub after he saw me rubbing my neck (yes I know) he bathed dd and put her to bed, and the obvious happened we slept together. He is at relate this week alone, afterwards we both sat and said it shouldn't have happened, both questioned why it happened, when I asked him he said well if you aren't with anyone and me neither why shouldn't we f**k I asked if that was his reason and he said no but he was trying to think of something. I asked if he was going to mention it to the counsellor he said yes and then went on to say shall I ring you and let you know what happens and if she says something startling, we have agreed to go to the next session together, a member of my family had words not long ago about the fact that he has slept with me since leaving and how its sending out mixed messages, he agreed said it shouldn't have happened, we were both sober so he can't use that as an excuse (like last time) so I'm confused now, not upset like before but if he knows its wrong why the hell does he do it, we were at each others throats not so long ago

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Are you trying to get it back together?
I slept with my ex a couple of weeks ago. However, he has a girlfriend and it just made me realise what a filthy cheating scumbag he really is.
Its very easy to fall into bed with someone.

He's using you. Sorry
He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Don't be too hard on yourself. we've all made mistakes in the course of a break up and there's no right or wrong.

But I'd say keep him at a distance until you see where the counselling takes you. If he's serious about making things work with you he won't mind waiting.

You had some control. So try to keep that until you decide what you both really want.

Do you want him back?

He can't sleep with you without you agreeing to it.

You need to not put yourself in these situations again unless you want casual sex with the man who hurt you.

Sorry to be blunt.

not sure if i do want him back now, feel differently about things

Hi TVL - i think you are both in a position where you do not really know what you want. You want him to 'want' you but also want to keep the control. He probably feels the same. It is a dangerous game though until you both decide you want to make another go of it.

You didnt exactly say no to him either did you so you need to question yourself why.

If you go to counselling together you must both be completly honest and not try to hurt each back. Of course you cannot forget what he has done to you but you must not use it to 'point score' either.

Try not to think about it too much and get on with your life anyway.

Hi TLV, I don't think he's playing mind games. I think he's being opportunistic and taking advantage of the situation.

When married people split up it takes a while for both parties to re-define what their relationship will be going forward.

At times when contact is amicable and even pleasant it's difficult not to fall back into "old" relationship mode. I think that's what happened to you the other day. He flirted, you responded, it escalated into sleeping together. Not wishing to dismiss it but it's like habit that you haven't quite kicked yet.

Don't give yourself a hard time over it and don't read too much into it either.

Just promise yourself not to let it happen again until you are both ready for it to be part of a future relationship together.

You're confused and you're not sure what you want for the future and sleeping with him at this point won't help you decide.

I think you're doing the right thing by going to Relate. Maybe you should have some sessions alone too to help you sift thru your thoughts and emotions.

Keep him at arm's length until you know what you want and you feel strong enough to go out and get it.

well dh was here tonight, very pleasant with me, told me a little of what happened at relate, when she asked him why he'd slept with me he said he didn't know and has said we should both go to the next one together, he also knows that there is no budging of me getting out of the house, he has told me he's submitted the divorce papers, when I asked him if he still wanted to do it he said he wouldn't be doing it if it didn't feel like the right thing to do.

I asked him why he still sleeps with me and he again said he didn't know, I said that i thought he still had feelings for me and he admitted he had and said something about us being together for 5yrs and having dd, I said that sometimes when things get going its seems there is no way of stopping them, I also said that its seems he doesn't know what he wants which he didn't answer either.

on his leaving he said to dd kiss and cuddle and joking i said do i get one and he said yes so kiss and cuddle happened (a month ago this would never have happened)

He is staying over at the weekend as I'm going out, I'm just not sure if this is all as cut and dry as it seems or whether i'm still in my heart hoping that we can make another go of it

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Tvl - As i said before take it very slowly and try not to set yourself for another let down.

It does sound as if you really want him back - and that is not a bad thing - but dont just forget all the hurt he has put you through.

I think he is liking the new strong you and probably is a bit confused - if you do get back there will have to be some going over that old ground again for you to work it out and at the moment i think you are not having to address these issues and that makes him feel safe in that he has got away with it without you punishing him.

Anyway hope you do get what you wnat and that things work out for the best.

he is driving me crackers I basically told him tonight that when he comes to the house he shouldn't be tidying up, washing car etc, was told well its my house i'm paying mortgage (i have offered to contribute btw and have the offer of more hours at work) however previously he has told me it was my home and not his??? he also said it wasn't just sex when we slept together and even said right up until he left that he loved but wasn't happy, er don't all marriages have rough times?

I feel he is either lying to me or running away from his problems but he is still adamant he wants a divorce, problem is is I don't want to lose my home my dd home so he feels we are back to square one. He is staying over tomorrow night. So we are off back to relate again, not sure what to do really coz i'm not giving in to what he wants coz it just seem he wants it all his way

thats men for you - they do want it all their own way. And so often we give in to them.

Remember you are strong and dont need to give in to him.

Still dont think it is mind games just him being able to get away with it, sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but whilst he can why wouldnt he?

I don't think it is mind games, it is just familiar sex, probably comforting to both of you at the time. It's not just him is it, you agreed to it, why did you sleep with him?

I don't think you need to keep asking him why he did it, what answer are you looking for? It's just sex, which adults like. If you enjoyed it too at the time then I wouldn't even say he was using you, you where both using each other.

It might be best not to dwell on this too much and focus on sorting out your future while keeping things amicable between you two.

well apparently to him it wasn't just sex, told me the other night but that it still didn't make any difference to anything, he stayed last night (looking after dd whilst i was out) and ended up in our bed and yes we did start to do it but dd woke up and came in to sleep with us, this morning she was up playing in her room and we ended up having sex well almost because in the middle of it I came to my senses and stopped it, and this just topped everything off coz he made a joke of having sore balls and that he would need to w**k and guess what he did, made some excuse about needing the loo I couldn't believe it he could have at least waited till he had left the house.

I slept with him as I thought I still loved him and we were like how we were before he walked out so I know my reason for doing it, I have let myself be used and I know im to blame but when someone is divorcing you they should in my mind make a clean break and not keep coming back and saying oops sorry won't happen again. Quite agree HW he knows he has been getting away with it and has continued to do so, to say you love someone just before you walk out on them (and he has said that he meant it) but he wasn't happy well I find it hard to believe coz when you love someone you at least try to work it out.

He wants the house sold and that is why he is divorcing me so quickly, I just have to accept that this is the type of person he is, can't hack hard times so walks and stuff everyone else. He is either very calculated or has some serious issues

sorry just realised I have repeated myself

what makes this even worse was that he told me he a while back he couldn't afford the court cost to send the divorce papers in but turns out he could and submitted them a few weeks back and came last week slept with me but didn't even have the decency to tell me he'd done it.

TVL

I think you need to concentrate on what you want now and dont give him a second thought. Make him realise that if he wants to divorce you then this is how it is going to be. If thinks it is going to be all easy then he will have a wake up call - dont let him have all the control now and make sure you dont jump when he says.

Sounds as if he still needs a reality check as to how hard it is going to be.

Good luck this week.

I'm sorry for your confusion, this is a horrible stage to go through. It is so much easier to go back at this stage than to face the future on your own. My xh said the same thing, I love you but I'm not happy (so he found himself someone else to love at the same time. That really helped the mix!) Have you asked him exactly what he thinks he needs in life to make him happy? What else does he think there is besides family??

work work and work, he has high opinion of himself when it come to his job, thinks he is the best in his field, one of the things he hated most was me ringing him when he was due to finish or how sad I sounded when he got held back (er had cooked a family meal and was looking forward to him coming home was all) I think he expects adoration for the job he has

I just read your message again and I'm so mad - he didn't know why he slept with you? Of course he knows. Even if he has to think a little bit to get to his answer, he damn well knows, and it would be helpful if he helped you by explaining it. At least then you get to make an informed decision about your future, instead of guessing and maybe hoping, which is absolutely awful to endure.

He hated being reminded of home? If you do ever get back together, find yourself some activities that really define and develop you. Men don't like dependence very much, I think. I hope you are coping okay, TLV. My heart goes out to you.

no hope of getting back together, divorce is going through and I go to see my solicitor soon to go over the papers, he is 38yrs old and just tosses people aside when he's had enough, I just hope one day he realises what he has lost. I feel like i've wasted 6yrs of my life building a home/family/future and for what for dd and I to get dumped on from a great height.