Am I strong enough to end my marriage

[Dogslife25]

Hi, little help needed, I've told my husband of nearly 20 years that we need to separate, I know its the right thing as we haven't had a 'relationship' for at least 14 years, he has slept on the sofa for that time, no intimacy at all and more or less lives in his man shed, he doesn't drive which has made things really hard we have 3 teenage children and as you know they're hard work, I feel like a single mother with the burden of him hanging around, there is too much to write in one message of the way he is, he has gambling issues,.we've never had joint bank accounts as he would spend it, I don't know what he earns as he always hides that type of thing, if the kids want things he just says no to anything they need and i have to find the money, ive paid for all my daughters driving lessons only now ive asked for a separation hes pouring them with love and money, someone has told me he has had an affair (no proof) but im just expected to brush that off, this person has desperately tried to convince me,
funny thing is I don't really care so that says alot, feel a bit if a mug tbh, anyway I'm worried how ill cope when it's over, don't think he will leave the house and I don't want to uproot the kids as its not fair them, and I will not leave them, don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with it but my mental health is in pieces and can't imagine going through this for possibly another 40 years, thanks for reading, could've written a novel but don't want to bore people

Of course you will.

You have been a lone parent with a selfish waster dragging you down for years.

What is the housing situation?

Please ring Women's aid to talk through your options.

He has it too comfortable and doesn't want to leave.

You need to get him out and you away from him.

If you're anything like me, you'll be amazed at the flood of energy that comes after divorce.

You've already left him, or have left each other. You'll be fine.

It definitely sounds that the right thing to do. You have been a single mum effectively and in future you wont have him to drag you down. See a solicitor. Whats housing situation do you rent or have a mortgage?

Thanks for your replys, we own the house (mortgaged) I know it's the right thing to, it's just so scary, think I will try womens aid for some advice,.I feel better just for telling him we need to separate, I may not be better off financially but I'm hoping life in general will be

We are here for you anytime you need to chat.

Do it - you honestly won't look back. I speak from experience.

Omg, he hasn't spoke to me about the separation, but he's acting like words best husband/father n it's making me feel a bit sick, the kids are not comfortable enough with him to talk to him so they're asking me why he's being so nice, my 14 year actually thought someone had died because he keeps hugging her. Hes spending money, watching films it weird he never comes in the house, has anyone else been through this? Is he on denial? Thanks x

He's just a manipulative twat who wants the status quo to remain.

My god, your 14 year old asking has someone died because her father is being nice?

How truly sad is that?

The poor mite.

The burden she must carry from tjis environment.

Stop trying to figure that nasty head fxxk out.

Focus on getting your children away from him.

Get on to Women's aid for advice and support.

just wanted to say I feel for you as I’m in a similar situation though ex partner is making things as difficult as possible. Separated but still living in same house and unclear how to move forward.

My ex did this. He'd checked out of the relationship and family life for at least 2 years but when I told him it was over and he needed to find somewhere else to live, suddenly he was partner/father of the year.

It's a last desperate attempt at getting you to change your mind. Not because he loves you but because he probably has no where else to go.

The old saying ...'men don't jump ship without a port to land in'... is true for a reason. They'll stay even if they're not happy unless someone else comes along.

My exs efforts were too little too late for me.

I know its scary but honestly it was a huge relief for me when he finally left. I felt lonelier in the last 2 years of that relationship than I do now that I'm on my own.

You will be stronger than you could ever imagine! And I think will wonder why you didn't do this years ago.
he sounds horrendous.
Youre almost living like a single parent now - so I don't think practically much will change - except you'll be able to enjoy the peace and lightness of ACTUALLY being a single parent. An enormous weight will lift. Get some legal advice fast about the house and finances, then get on with enjoying a happy life! All the best to you.

Honestly, it sounds like separating will light e the load. It did for me. Similar (ish) circumstances (no gambling but functioning alcoholic). He will have conditioned you to think you can’t function without it. You absolutely can. Money might be together in some ways but it honestly sounds like he’s draining you. Honestly, I’ve been separated (now divorced) for just over a year. Best decision I could have made.
It also sounds like he’s love bombing you all now to try to get you on side again by showing how good he can be. Clearly you’re not buying it but don’t get sucked in. He won’t be able to maintain it.
Good luck! You can do it!

you've all confirmed what I knew, tbh we went through something similar 3 years ago but I honestly feel stronger this time, over time everything just went back to normal, he promised to learn to drive, do more together, we didn't even go on one 'date' I was sucked right in, your comments have helped so much, Thank you all 💗

You will be so proud of yourself for not allowing this to be your life.

You really will.

....and in the near future too.

Every single day I rejoice that XH doesn’t live here any more. I spent the first week after he left sighing with relief, I felt like I could finally breathe again.
check out Caroline Strawson on social media. She gives really good advice in leaving and moving forward from a toxic relationship.

Following to add support. You’ve braver than me. Wishing you all the best

Just wanted to check in tbh looking for a bit of support, I'm so sorry i feel like a complete failure, I think he thinks I was having a hormonal issues as he's still acting like nothing has happened, we haven't spoken properly since but he keeps talking to Me like nothing has happened, I give one word answers I know I sound petty but don't want to give him false hope, we haven't been in the same room for more than 5 mins, thought he may have got the message by now, I know I have to be strong but don't know how, I know it will happen but I need help to bring the subject up

Don't really have to have a big talk with him at this stage to get the ball rolling. Just talk to a solicitor. Then say you've seen a solicitor, wait for him to absorb it, then he'll most likely suddenly want to talk when reality starts hitting home.
He's been years on the sofa, so it doesn't seem that far fetched that nothing will change, nothing has so far. You need to take action if you mean business, otherwise he'll just think its going to blow over.

I called a solicitor, they wanted £300 just to discuss, do you know if there is other ways of getting advise to begin with, just feel stuck at the moment, I'm not in a position at the moment to find the money

Go to divorce and separateion board, op,
there’s a link there to ADVICE NOW at the top.
they produce fab guides on divorce aimed at limiting how much you need solicitors. Some are free ( abridged), the more detailed ones are £20 ish a pop but that’s very cheap compared with solicitors at £200 plus per hour

also go through the government divorce website. It is laid out well, explains process clearly and has all forms you can look at now and see what info is needed

@Whiteroomjoy Thank you

Also call around solicitors in your local area. Many offer an initial half hour appointment free of charge, and then you could also discuss how you would fund things from there.

Good luck. 💐