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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I break up?

24 replies

Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 06:31

So, I’ve been with my partner for a year & get on really well with his 7yo. They are both really lovely and deserve every happiness.

Despite having never lived together, DP has told his DS I’m his stepmother without ever consulting me. DS is so happy about this. I play with him a lot and he cries when I go home etc. I feel absolutely dreadful that I have to break a little boy’s heart.

As I say, DP means well but he makes consistently bad life decisions eg with money, his health, having a baby to save his relationship with his ex (which didn’t work) etc etc etc. So many things that I won’t list here. I have built myself a good life and I don’t want to lose that.

What it boils down to is I no longer find him attractive unfortunately.

He had a rough few years before meeting me with bereavement and divorce and has no real support network apart from me. He has told me I’m the only reason he hasn’t killed himself. Just me! And not his son!! I feel under so much pressure to fix his life. He says that’s not true and he would never put pressure on. I’ve tried to help him build a wider support network but he has resisted. I’ve helped him improve his diet and listened to him talking through things he’s going through. He has friends but they live far away and he rarely contacts them.

I have also had a rough few years with losing my mum and being in an abusive relationship which I’m still waiting to go to court. I deserve to be happy too. But I’m a lot stronger to deal with these things than he is.

It needs to end as I feel like I’m sacrificing myself at the moment.

I’d love to stay friends with him and his son if possible but understand that might not work.

How can I leave knowing he might kill himself?! And the poor little boy has been through a lot already in his short life. I don’t want to break his heart.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 07/03/2023 07:35

He has put a lot of pressure on you to save him. It’s not fair to do that to you but he thinks you are the one because his life has felt better since you entered it.
I think you need to tell him honestly that you don’t feel the same anymore. You know you have to be gentle about it but the longer the relationship goes on, the harder it’s going to be on all of you.

His son is young and hopefully resilient but he shouldn’t have been calling you the step mum.

Offer to be his friend, offer to still be the person he talks to and be there to support him and his son but explain that there can’t be anything romantic about it.

Bananalanacake · 07/03/2023 07:36

One thing I have learnt on here is women are not rehab centres for men.

purplediscolove · 07/03/2023 07:40

I don’t think he will kill himself, I don’t think he has any intention on doing so. You have got to leave to make your life your own. My child’s dad sat in the back of my car 2 days ago telling me to be happy in life you have to help people and do good for people and forget about yourself, I knew what he meant was I need to stop looking after and thinking of myself and do more of what he wants me to. Which is not happening. You can’t live this way. You can’t baby sit an adult and certainly can’t be held responsible for their mental health or life.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/03/2023 07:59

I was with someone like this, it was exhausting.

You should absolutely leave and start putting yourself first.

Don't stay friends with him, it will be less confusing for his son that way.
Also it will be easier for you to move on without your stbx being on his nonsense all the time.

Campervangirl · 07/03/2023 08:01

He's not going to kill himself, it's a tactic to keep you with him.
As you don't live together it will be easier to split, if you can't do it in one hit start making yourself available, be too busy to see him, work, family etc.
However it would be kinder to just say it outright, end it and move on.
You don't owe him or his DS anything, his DS may be upset for a while but kids are resilient and he'll soon forget about you.
Seriously, take it from someone who's wasted years in a relationship that wasn't working for them, save yourself!
Life's precious, don't waste it

Campervangirl · 07/03/2023 08:04

Ooh I've just reread your op, you've only been together a year, definitely end it, you should still be in the honeymoon period not supporting someone who can't / won't help themselves and having the title of SM forced on you.
Bite the bullet op and end it today

Goatbilly · 07/03/2023 08:28

Bananalanacake · 07/03/2023 07:36

One thing I have learnt on here is women are not rehab centres for men.

Absolutely!

Fuckstix · 07/03/2023 08:36

You're making the right decision entirely. He's put far too much pressure on you to prop him up and in doing so, absolved himself of a lot of the responsibility for his own wellbeing. I feel sympathy for his tough period (and yours too 💐) but not for his continued poor decision making which shows lack of self reflection and maturity. Be clear about what you need and why you feel affected, but I don't know whether he will have a sudden epiphany and take this well. Be prepared for him to say some quite difficult things to hear re suicide etc. If he does, ask the police to go round and check on him and don't engage further. I think you need to disengage at least for a while before becoming friends and then consider an appropriate level of contact and support
If it is one way then distance yourself.

billy1966 · 07/03/2023 08:52

You are in another abusive relationship OP.

With him.

His not subtle threat that he would kill himself without you, is straight out of the abusers handbook.

You think he is lovely?

He's not.

He is a disordered man who puts himself first.

Far ahead of his child.

He consistently makes poor decisions and then helplessly waits for someone to make these better.

Do NOT remain friends with him.

He's a leech and he will not let you go.

He will be onto you for every and any problem and upset.

A clean break.

I mean this kindly but he is not a project.

You are out of one abusive relationship and unfortunately went into another one.

Good men don't manipulate with threats of suicide.

Abusive men do.

Him telling his son that you are his stepmother is more abuse, of his child, and pure manipulation of you.

Do not fall for it.

Clean break completely.

There is a book that is highly recommended on MN "Why does he do that?".

I think you would benefit from getting it.

Wishing you well.

billy1966 · 07/03/2023 08:54

Any threats of suicide, contact the police immediately and ask for them to welfare check him as you have broken up and he has threatened you with it, and he has a child.

That tends to shut men like him up pretty quickly.

This is not a good man.

Dery · 07/03/2023 09:09

OP - please take on board every word @billy1966 has said. She gives very wise advice. And don’t try to be friends with this man. It won’t work. You need to get clean away.

Dery · 07/03/2023 09:11

The threats to kill himself are pure emotional blackmail and a form of abuse. He needs to grow up. You aren’t responsible for him. He’s responsible for him. Another MN saying: don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Says it all.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 07/03/2023 09:14

And for the next one - don't meet the kid for a long time. Don't build a relationship with the kid because it makes it harder to leave once you are playing happy families.

Dump, tell him to sort himself out and to put his child first.

Original poster
Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 09:33

Oof, thank you all for the straight talking and support. You are all right and I have been thinking some of this too - just needed to hear it from others. Thanks for being so honest and clear.

Just to clarify, he hasn’t threatened suicide but has said he almost killed himself before we met and now no longer feels suicidal because of me. His mum killed herself 5 years ago. I said I’d hope his DS would be a reason not to kill himself and he said he is but he doesn’t always see that so clearly when it’s intense looking after him as a single dad. I sympathise with people being suicidal but that alone is an alarm bell for me.

He hasn’t said he’ll kill himself if I leave. I just worry he’d go back to that place.

I hadn’t seen this relationship as abusive too. He’s not a narcissist and I don’t think he intends to be abusive, just that he doesn’t understand healthy relationships.

We have mutual friends so a completely clean break will be tricky. I’m thinking though that I can ask some of them to be there for him when I go so that he has some support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 09:34

Bananalanacake · 07/03/2023 07:36

One thing I have learnt on here is women are not rehab centres for men.

This made me laugh - so so true!!!

OP posts:
mewkins · 07/03/2023 09:49

Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 09:33

Oof, thank you all for the straight talking and support. You are all right and I have been thinking some of this too - just needed to hear it from others. Thanks for being so honest and clear.

Just to clarify, he hasn’t threatened suicide but has said he almost killed himself before we met and now no longer feels suicidal because of me. His mum killed herself 5 years ago. I said I’d hope his DS would be a reason not to kill himself and he said he is but he doesn’t always see that so clearly when it’s intense looking after him as a single dad. I sympathise with people being suicidal but that alone is an alarm bell for me.

He hasn’t said he’ll kill himself if I leave. I just worry he’d go back to that place.

I hadn’t seen this relationship as abusive too. He’s not a narcissist and I don’t think he intends to be abusive, just that he doesn’t understand healthy relationships.

We have mutual friends so a completely clean break will be tricky. I’m thinking though that I can ask some of them to be there for him when I go so that he has some support.

I think a lot of people fall into being abusive without really considering how their behaviour is impacting the other person. That doesn't make the impact any easier.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2023 09:54

They are both not really lovely at all. The son might be.

The man is selfish. Beyond belief.

Having a child as a means of patching a relationship is despicable. You should have walked out as soon as he told you that. You should never have met his child. Im not blaming you for that.

Finish this relationship today. And do some research on what is and isn't acceptable before embarking on your next relationship

Deathbyfluffy · 07/03/2023 10:00

Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 09:33

Oof, thank you all for the straight talking and support. You are all right and I have been thinking some of this too - just needed to hear it from others. Thanks for being so honest and clear.

Just to clarify, he hasn’t threatened suicide but has said he almost killed himself before we met and now no longer feels suicidal because of me. His mum killed herself 5 years ago. I said I’d hope his DS would be a reason not to kill himself and he said he is but he doesn’t always see that so clearly when it’s intense looking after him as a single dad. I sympathise with people being suicidal but that alone is an alarm bell for me.

He hasn’t said he’ll kill himself if I leave. I just worry he’d go back to that place.

I hadn’t seen this relationship as abusive too. He’s not a narcissist and I don’t think he intends to be abusive, just that he doesn’t understand healthy relationships.

We have mutual friends so a completely clean break will be tricky. I’m thinking though that I can ask some of them to be there for him when I go so that he has some support.

This puts quite a different twist on the replies above calling him abusive etc - I don't think he is, he's just been in a bad place and genuinely thinks you're a reason he's not there at the moment.

Either way, you need to put yourself first - and if you want to leave, you need to leave.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 10:10

His life, his diet, his child, his happiness, all his responsibility. Your job is not to fix him.

The pressure is on, him telling you he hasn't killed himself because of you, but also you being given the label of stepmother after a year in this relationship, and the degree to which you've been responsible for aspects of "improving his life" (and I'm not saying you haven't, I'm sure you have, but that's not your job to maintain) are all creating a picture of dependance.

Yes there will be an impact on the child when you leave him, but you can't stay because of that. It's nice to play happy families but the biggest favour you can do a child when you get into a relationship with their parent is to hold your horses, and play the long game.

This might be a better relationship than the last one for you, but it sounds like it's a far way from healthy. Move on.

Original poster
Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 10:22

Yep. I didn’t meet the DS until a few months ago for that reason and made it clear I am just “daddy’s friend”. I made a point of meeting his mum first so that she was ok with it.

I had no idea he’d get attached so quickly and had no idea my partner would tell him I’m his new step mum! I thought I was doing the right thing but it snowballed quickly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 10:23

Thank you. I agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbie10000 · 07/03/2023 10:24

Deathbyfluffy · 07/03/2023 10:00

This puts quite a different twist on the replies above calling him abusive etc - I don't think he is, he's just been in a bad place and genuinely thinks you're a reason he's not there at the moment.

Either way, you need to put yourself first - and if you want to leave, you need to leave.

Show quote history

Thank you. I agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbie10000 · 08/03/2023 08:19

purplediscolove · 07/03/2023 07:40

I don’t think he will kill himself, I don’t think he has any intention on doing so. You have got to leave to make your life your own. My child’s dad sat in the back of my car 2 days ago telling me to be happy in life you have to help people and do good for people and forget about yourself, I knew what he meant was I need to stop looking after and thinking of myself and do more of what he wants me to. Which is not happening. You can’t live this way. You can’t baby sit an adult and certainly can’t be held responsible for their mental health or life.

Your child’s dad clearly isn’t thinking of taking his own advice, that’s just what he thinks you should do 🙄

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 10/03/2023 01:43

Yes. And just as applicable, men are not in a position to rehab a damaged female. But essentially we are all flawed.

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