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Original poster

Getting through this next bit

11 replies

Ducksinarow1987 · 07/03/2023 00:28

I'm struggling.

DH and I are separated but I now want us to live separately. I always hoped he'd leave the family home and let me stay here with DS (4) but I get that that's asking a lot. We are 50/50 on the mortgage. My issue is he won't accept the split and life is just at a standstill but it feels unbearable at times as I have no control and no freedom.

We are going for counselling and I pray this will help him to hear me that I want us to now sell the house and buy separately. I've said it so many times, I've told him I don't love him anymore, I've gone into they why and what nots but equally tried to come to a point where we stop nit picking and accept that sometimes things don't work out. To remove any 'blame' and just come to a point of acceptance.

We are very much separated in an emotional sense. We haven't shared a bed in two years, no sexual intimacy for three years. We've been co parenting the last year, just plodding along but recently it's become toxic and I just want out.

It feels like an emotional Groundhog Day with me keeping saying we need to live separately, him having a breakdown of sorts then eventually convincing himself he can fix it and it'll all be ok. It's so emotionally draining. I just want to move on with my life. I have been to a broker, adjusted my hours at work and I'm so ready to get moving now. But I feel like he's keeping me trapped and it's absolutely miserable.

I don't have family nearby to stay with, I need a clean break into a new home. How do I convince him it's over? The counsellor recognised we want different things and I pray that she can help him see that he needs to let me go. The session was so disheartening though as he seems to have taken from it that now that he has a better understanding of the issues, he is better able to fix it.

I'm also acutely aware that when/if the penny finally drops he will turn nasty as he has nothing left to be nice to me for. This is really horrible.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/03/2023 00:35

Why are you going to counselling if you have decided to separate and it isn’t helping move that process forward. Draw a line under it and just tell him you want to split.

Then the only thing you can do is start the process. File for divorce, arrange mediation and if that doesn’t work go to court. He can dig in but at some stage he will accept he needs to agree a financial split and parenting.

I would ask whether you too are ready to emotionally accept the split, sharing parenting 50:50 and the loss of financial security. Not many people are and you need to be prepared for a big life upheaval.

Change is always scary. If you both work together you can both see a future as separated parents sharing that responsibility across two homes.

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 07/03/2023 00:53

Couples Counselling isn't solely for people to 'fix' things, it's about having someone to mediate, guide and support you through a difficult process. I was clear with DH about why I was entering into it and still hope it can be of benefit to us as individuals.

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 07/03/2023 01:27

How long have you been together.

This sounds hard, you can only tell him the truth and how you are sure you are going to proceed with the divorce.

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 04:29

This sounds so frustrating. Will you buy him out? Has he got somewhere to go to? I think maybe you need to get firmer and give him a date and ask him to leave by then. I’d just keep pushing but a little firmer

amylou8 · 07/03/2023 04:37

2 years living with your ex. I had 2 months of it and that nearly killed me! All the time you are living there he will not accept it, he's not going anywhere, so you are going to have to. I'd start looking for somewhere straight away if you're in a financial position to. If not move in with your family and apply for benefits. See a solicitor about the house, divorce and arrangements for your son.

Clymene · 07/03/2023 05:10

You need to divorce and then get a financial settlement in place. Stop hoping for him to move out.

Oopsiedaisyy · 07/03/2023 05:33

Start dating, that should clarify things for him

Endoftheroad12345 · 07/03/2023 06:07

Hi @Ducksinarow1987 I’m in a similar position to you, although we are “nesting” so we don’t have our own households yet, finances still joint, haven’t yet come up with a plan for division of assets or a firm plan for childcare (though H claims to want 50:50). We have 2 DC, 4 & 8.

All our assets are joint and we earn simile amounts so it should be a reasonably straightforward equation.

H veers between denial that is is happening and anger and abuse that I am “forcing” separation.

I was feeling pretty stuck, but am using the nesting time to furnish the second household (not clear who will buy out the family home or whether we will put it on the market but either way we will need furniture.
Then we will separate finances - I have tried to talk to him about this but if we don’t make any headway i will just get my salary paid into a private account and go from there.

If he refuses to engage with the process i will need to get lawyers to commence disclosure and force him to the table. I’d rather not do that as it’s costly and (should be) unnecessary. But you do have options to push it along (I’m outside UK so different system - here we have to be separated for 2 years before we can divorce!)

Whatever you do I would say don’t leave the family home until you have agreement re custody split. All depends on your circumstances of course but here the Courts very much prefer to maintain the status quo - if I moved to the “nest” house and assumed I could just take kids with me, even 50:50, it might not happen.

LemonTT · 07/03/2023 13:38

Ducksinarow1987 · 07/03/2023 00:53

Couples Counselling isn't solely for people to 'fix' things, it's about having someone to mediate, guide and support you through a difficult process. I was clear with DH about why I was entering into it and still hope it can be of benefit to us as individuals.

I got that. But it isn’t working for that. Which is why you need to draw a line under it. Otherwise you will plod along at his pace for ever. You aren’t a couple anymore and you aren’t on the same page at all. There is no need to be consensual about the split. Let him seek therapy in his own

Cotonsugar · 07/03/2023 13:55

I was in this position a few years ago after having tried to split up a few years previous to that. The only thing that worked was stopping communication. Not great but it worked and he moved it. No fun when someone doesn’t want to talk to you at all. Not great for the kids but felt I had no choice. Luckily there was no backlash and he finally accepted it was over. Everything was split 50/50 according to the law. Good luck 🙂

Cotonsugar · 07/03/2023 13:56

Moved out

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