I have everything I want, so why am I not happy?

[Theonlywayisup1]

I feel so stupid even writing this, but I’ve been trying to figure it out myself with no luck.

last year my fiancé of 10 years finished things via text, cancelled our wedding without telling me, moved in with someone else after 5 weeks all whilst trying to tell me he wanted to sort things out, I was the one blah blah. The relationship was full of him cheating, leaving, being verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive, he is a compulsive liar, who has serious issues. All round a shit human being.

it took for me to finally have enough of his lies and empty promises. I changed my phone number, deleted all history of him and decided to move on. In December I met the perfect man. He’s kind, empathetic, intelligent, good looking, trustworthy etc. I cannot fault this man. He wants the same out of life as I do, our values align, sex is amazing, honestly what every woman wants.

But I just can’t stop thinking about my past I’m so empty, so down, I’m pushing the new guy away as I just can’t feel anything. Am I just damaged for good? Or did I genuinely love my ex and miss him as a person? Will this go? Will I ever feel like I want to about the new guy? Is there anything more I can do to get out of this mindset?

You just sound a bit disenchanted with romance despite your wonderful new bloke. Just stick at it; these feelings will pass.

It's March. You were engaged until last year.

It's all probably just too soon.

You needed a bigger break.

Oh blimey, 9 months?? That really isn't very long to be single.

I'd try some therapy.

He’s everything you want on paper but your heart isn’t over the ordeal you’ve been through. Are you in love with him? If not then maybe you need to let him go and heal before another relationship.

This is your brain instinctively protecting you from the pain of your last experience by stopping you getting too emotionally close to someone. You can try to push on through but if it doesn't work you may need to be single for a bit longer.

Have you had any therapy to help process what you went through?

It’s too soon OP. You went through all that trauma just last year. I’d suggest being single for a while and maybe getting some therapy to help you come to terms with it all.

You’re probably still grieving the loss of the old DP, the old relationship, the person you used
to be when you were in that relationship and the hopes and dreams that died with the relationship.

Just because they didn’t die you can still be grieving. Have you tried counselling? They may be able to help you unpick your feelings.

I had a wedding cancelled very abruptly and even though I’m happily married with a lovely DC, sometimes I miss my old fiancé and have nostalgia for my old life. It passes quickly and it’s not very often, but I don’t think these things ever fully go away.

Also, I know people are saying it’s too soon to be in a new relationship, sometimes you do meet the right person at the wrong time so don’t discount the new relationship, but do everything you can to do the work of healing.

You might find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood a helpful read.

I can completely empathise with this, I'm in a very similar situation... be kind to yourself

How did you even have the headspace for a new bloke? Are you unable to be alone for s while? You don't just "meet" someone, you actively engage with someone who is wanting a relationship and you reciprocate.

I think you could do with some therapy to help you get yourself back.

And for what it's worth, you need to grieve your past relationship, probably not able to while being with another person.

You’ve been deeply hurt not long ago. Instinctively you’re taking it very slow because your subconscious is trying to protect you from the pain you felt before. Forgive the random analogy but if you’ve picked a rose and got stung by a wasp hiding on it, it’s much harder to pick another rose.

Personally, I don’t think that means it’s too soon, or that you should end things with this guy (when I dumped a great guy as ‘wrong time’ it took me 5 years to find another great guy!!). But I do think you need to talk about your feelings with someone who can make wise suggestions - not the new man, probably not Mumsnet either, a therapist would be best.

Also, do some reading about the stages of grief. Numbness, and pushing others away, is very common in eg bereavement. Your ex didn’t die but your vision of your future with him did, as well as your understanding of the person he was. You are still grieving those ten lost years, the person you thought he was (or could become) and the marriage that wasn’t. Recognise that you are in grief and do some dealing with it. I’m no therapist but acknowledging how hurt you were and holding some kind of private ‘closure’ ceremony might help eg writing a letter to the person you thought your ex was, ending with the statement that you’re sorry he never existed and that you still miss him, then burning it, might help.

The relationship was full of him cheating, leaving, being verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive, he is a compulsive liar, who has serious issues.
Does this reflect any pattern with your parents - them withdrawing love, then being loving again? Perhaps you have got "used" to that kind of dynamic with your ex (or earlier?) so are not used to a smoother relationship where you are not in a constant cycle of withdrawal (anxiety) and return of love (relief) flooding you with adrenaline.

It's too soon OP. You haven't had time to process what happened.
It's taken me a very long time to get over the break up with my ex (5 year relationship). There was quite a lot of trauma associated with it.
In the first few months I desperately wanted a new man to plug the gap I was feeling (oops, that sounds a bit rude, but I mean emotionally). But then I realized I wasn't ready. And you've jumped into a new relationship in less time than it took me to realize I wasn't ready and that I absolutely had to do a lot of work on my own self-esteem and to process what had happened before I was ready to start a relationship with someone else.
I'm not saying ditch the new man, but it's not surprising you are feeling empty after what has happened. You need to give yourself time and space and get therapy if that is possible.
Maybe slow things down a bit with the new guy.

honestly what every woman wants

Clearly not, if he's not floating your boat.

Why do you think you should want 'what every woman wants'? If the relationship isn't making you happy, change it. There's no template regarding what we 'should' enjoy.

How long ago did this happen to you @Justalittlebitduckling

I have had some therapy, and I read a lot to try and help me get over it all. I think the fact I had no closure caused me so much more damage than was needed. I could understand if he fell out of love and wanted someone else, but the extent of his lies were unreal. It was serious emotional cruelty. So why would I be sad about him not being in my life?

Do you mind me asking what you are going through? @sandybeaches74