Am I heading for divorce (long read I'm afraid)

[Lizzums]

I'm a married mother of 2 beautiful children (3yrs+6yrs), but I'm recently questioning my marriage to my husband(DH). I have depression and bipolar disorder so have a very low self esteem and am usually majorly stressed out. My DH complains so much, says is the dishwasher broken or is the washing machine broken and goes on about the state of the house though not actually tidying the rooms or putting clothes away. He recently told me he's old fashioned and thinks the wife should stay at home and clean, look after kids etc. In the past he's belittled me and started smirking when I got riled up defending myself. He's told my kids that I'm so fat and I'm lazy. He doesn't take responsibility for anything, I'm usually to blame for most things. He gets the kids to 'playfully'🙄 bash each other and tells my daughter to bash me and scream at me when I'm trying to sleep.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to split the family up, I'm also financially dependant on him, and still love him. Am I being unreasonable in my thinking?

No your not, he doesnt sound very nice from what you've said. Having depression is no joke and he should support you through your bad patches. I also get what you mean with not wanting to split the family up. Will sitting down and telling him how hes making you feel work or is he not one for listening? As for 'is the dishwasher broken' my stubborn self would not do them again after that comment lol. jokes aside there's absolutely no need for those comments and im sorry your having a rough time lately :(

He is undeniably abusive op, you have to leave l am afraid, then spend some time reading about abusive and coercive relationships. Sadly you cannot save this as he is damaging not only you but your children

It is not normal of healthy to encourage children to hit each other or you or to scream at you.
I would have left over just one of those incidents.

The “family” you don’t went to break up sounds a bloody awful environment for your children. You are doing them no favours by continuing this Op, be under no allusion about that.

@Lizzums no you are most categorically NOT being unreasonable.

You are in a horrible situation and I really feel for you. Are you getting any support through medication or therapy for your depression and bipolar disorder? Those things alone can cripple you without your husband being such an unsupportive and unpleasant individual. Without the problems you are suffering his behaviour is unacceptable, but with those problems as well his behaviour is abhorrent. I agree with @Rafferty10 that his behaviour is abusive. However I also know from personal experience that making the decision to separate is tough. For me I finally got to the stage where I looked at the way my then husband was treating me and our DD (and extended family for that matter) and I thought 'If DD was in this relationship in years to come what would I say to her?' and at that point I knew I would tell her to get out of that relationship. Which then got me to the point where I realised what a diabolical example I was giving her, and to risk letting her grow up to think that to be treated like this was acceptable. I am not saying this to talk about me, but to give a practical example of a thought process which you may or may not echo.

The only caveat I would add is that with your own hugely debilitating depression and bipolar disorder you will need to draw on a phenomenal inner strength to separate from this man. But from everything you have said you may well find you are actually much stronger away from him and his snide, belittling remarks and abusive behaviour. A question to consider also - do you really still love him or do you love the good version of him (that exists in your head and which he isn't being) or the idea of what your marriage could have been and maybe once was?

If you decide to separate, make sure you think of it as a positive step. It would be a proactive decision to allow you to build a better and more stable home life for you and your kids, not to mention yours and their mental health. Do not think of it as splitting the family up.

Thank you @boysmum23 , @Rafferty10 , @Vegrocks and @boogliewoogliepiggywiththeoink for responding, it's hard to think of it as an abusive relationship but I can see that it is an emotionally abusive relationship. There are times when I'm in love with him then others when I'm not. I do worry about the effect it's having on the kids, he himself had a difficult relationship with his father with alcoholism and abuse. I think I have just put up with it as I've been made to feel so small and easily manipulated. My mother lives nearby and has given myself and the kids a safe space as I was heading for a breakdown, but I think I do have to put the kids first and end the marriage.
Thank you all. X

. I do worry about the effect it's having on the kids. And so you should be. Very much so

You'll find your depression lifts when you are rid of this man.

What about your children who are forced to live with this - they are being abused too

sounds like youv'e made your mind up @Lizzums i'm pleased you have your mum for support & a safe place to be, i wish you all the best, Stay strong.

I am so glad that you are beginning to see the real source of the problem, your DH.
I agree with others your MH may well be much better in a calm stable home without this man.
I too wish you all the very best op.