Did you lose friends when divorcing?

[Aweebitpainful]

I know it’s normal to loose joint friends when you’re divorcing, but what’s surprising to me is that I also seem to be loosing my own friends and family. Friends that I’ve had for years well before being married. Friends who I’ve supported in their rough times. I’m not particularly a high maintenance person but to speak to someone every couple of weeks or so would be nice.

I haven’t cheated on my ex. I haven’t treated him badly in any way. He just isn’t available emotionally, and we’ve both fallen out of love. I can’t see that I can be judged harshly for anything I’ve done.

I feel incredibly lonely and sad. My mums literally the only person who’s there.

Argh ^^ lose… did you lose friends.

Yes I lost some friends I would have considered "mine". But I was bitter about how life turned out and not hugely fun to be around even though the separation itself was largely amicable.

Although it was years ago I pretty much lost all our old group of friends- they didn't want to take sides. I had 2 children so didn't go out much socially anyway. The thing that hurt the most was not one phone call from any of the girls ever...30 years on we had a reunion which was wonderful but a part of me has never got over the post divorce rejection.

I lost some joint friends, which I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting the strain it seemed to place on some of my female friendships.

One of them was open and aware enough to talk to me and tell me that she was finding it really confronting, it was making her look at her own marriage and realise there were many issues and maybe wish she had the balls to do the same thing. It would have been easier in some ways to lose touch, but she realised it wasn't my fault and valued my friendship, but wanted me to know that that was what was going on for her.

I was really grateful to her because it helped me realise that other people might be feeling the same (strangeley didn't feel any distance with single or divorced friends!) and ride it out, and those friendships have now strengthened as things have settled.

It's a load of misogynistic bullshit, but a confident single woman is still somehow seen as a threat by some people too.

Yeah I lost two friends in my divorce - my ex got them. I had known one about 15 years and the other about 7. He knew them 2.

My other half pretty much lost his whole friendship group when he divorced. It was amicable, they parent 50/50, he gets on fine with her new partner etc. But, they’d been together since early 20’s, and everyone in their friendship group had kids around the same time. When they got divorced it all kind of fell apart - for his ex as well as for him.

He doesn’t have any close friends, but he and I are fairly introverted and neither of us need a big friendship group. My friends were picked up working in different places and so I tend to socialise with them a couple of times a year on weekends away etc.

I was single for a good decade before meeting him at 47. I’d agree that single women are seen as a threat by some (stupid) people. I was lucky that I had two friends who had decent husbands and who gave me a social life without making me feel like a third wheel.
Something useful that I discovered was that making friends later in life is very different - you don’t have the intensity of friendships that you had at school or uni for instance. So it doesn’t feel as deep in a way, but the friends I’ve picked up at work, or at the climbing wall, still step up if I’m having a bad time with anything. It’s just a lot more understated. Once I adjusted my expectations of what a friendship can be, it was a lot easier.

Yes lots but I've made lots of friends post split that are 'mine'
To be honest I didn't lose anyone that really meant anything

What I’d also say re the comment about your friends and family, is that bear in mind it’s a pretty crappy time to be an adult at the moment. War in Ukraine, cost of living, job uncertainty, elderly parents, kids acting up, even the weather, can all make people feel so overwhelmed with their own life that they have nothing spare to give, if that makes sense? I will be wording this massively wrong so please forgive me, but it’s like some people can’t deal with any other drama (and I’m not saying you have that, but that’s how it may be perceived) other than their own.

It was the other way for me - I was amazed by the support I got and it seemed new people came into my life at that time who were to become best friends and really helped me get through it.

Never an easy time though

I'm really surprised by how many people say they've lost friends, including their "original" friends. Or at least, I'm surprised that this happens to women. I just sort of assumed that your female friends would stick with you and it's sad to hear that's not the case.

There are a few women who I know because they are married to DH's friends and we are now friends but only situational if you see what I mean? I guess in a divorce (mine or theirs) I'd possibly lose contact with them but I can't imagine a situation where I would pick the ex husband of any of "my" friends if they were to divorce. As DH and I tend to have our own friends rather than couple friends (we do socialise as ac couple, but there's a clear understanding that couple x are DH's friends or couple y are mine), if we divorced it would be pretty easy to see how it would play out - my friends would stay with me and his would go with him.

OP - I'm really sorry you've experienced this. And while I don't currently have any friends in this situation, I'm making a note to bear in mind if I do down the line!

I lost a few and ditched more. I remember when I left him thinking thank god I’ll never have to see x, y or z again. Other people I wouldn’t have expected to really came through for me.

I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time.

I wonder if this is partly because people don't know how to act? A bit like when someone dies - it's always a bit surprising how many people distance themselves because they're scared of doing the wrong thing or just feel hugely uncomfortable.

I think its ridiculous and annoying but I imagine this is what's happening with family and friends seeming to disappear in a divorce. If you really want to maintain those friendships, is it worth reaching out to suggest a get together or whatever? I suspect I'd be so annoyed and hurt I'd struggle with that but possibly you're a better person than me!?

No these are friends I’ve known since we went to school together. It hurts. It’s definitely making me evaluate how “available” I have been in their rough times.

We haven’t made it public yet so the only people who do know are family and what I had thought were close friends. It might be that I’m surprised when they do know.

I’m not sure I can reach out right now. Maybe a bit further down the line.

It probably doesn’t help that I am a lone worker. I don’t have any colleagues anymore.

I think I need something to distract me that’s not the house selling, work or the kids. I’m not usually a sad person but I feel very low at the moment.

Thank you everyone. I do feel a little less alone, but I am sorry that some of you have been though the same thing.

It is probably that they don’t know what to say. They probably also have an awful lot on themselves. I’ll keep reminding myself that.

Yes, @Aweebitpainful, I know exactly what you mean. We are also amicable and have not gone public yet. I have a group of school friends I’ve known since I was about 12. Four of us. I told them we were separating. One said she was also separating, one has been great, and the other basically is ignoring the fact that I have even mentioned it, while simultaneously being very sympathetic to the other separating friend. I think it’s because she doesn’t see this other couple as a real relationship whereas my relationship with XH was literally just a little ahead of hers with her DH, ie I met mine, then six months later she met hers, same thing with getting married etc. So I can only assume she feels somehow threatened or that I am contagious. It’s been really upsetting but also making me very cross. Another friend has been really weird about constantly looking at things from XH’s perspective even though there is no perspective except that we grew apart under extreme stress. Another really old friend was good at the beginning but now seems to be ghosting me. These are all friends in my home country and I don’t really have close friends in my new country despite having been here forever: my best friend here moved away and now has her own shit situation to deal with. Everyone else is just friends on a more superficial level. I have lots of people who would offer help, like walking the dog or getting the children to school etc, but not people I want to confide in, especially as people (the children) don’t know. So I’m pretty lonely and also really resentful. I supported the friend in the group chat through a terrible thing a few years ago and now she can’t handle even sending the most basic supportive message when my marriage has failed? Seriously? A new shit épisode in the shit saga (unrelated to separation) happened last week and I just couldn’t even be bothered to let anyone know. It was a very lonely moment.

Yes, I lost my best friends, which was bizarre as they weren't really friends with my ex. But que sera. Hard times reveal your true friends and it was more surprising who did show up for me.

Yep, all of them. I’ve got better friends now and they are stuck with my loser ex.

I am really sorry to hear all these long standing friendships that disappeared as a result of divorce. OP - it's probably a sign these weren't truly good friends anyway but I am very sorry as no one needs this on top of an already difficult time.

Yes I lost friends - a whole section as my ex had cheated on me with a friend. It seems that people knew this for quite a while and never let on. Looking back they were awkward when I met them and tried to avoid me. As someone else said though they were no great loss. I have strengthened other friendships though - people who supported me by just physically being there for me and have made new in my new life which did involve a relocation. My ex has tried to maintain relations with my best friend - that's how stupid he is! It was an ugly traumatic breakup.

No I couldn't have gotten over my divorce without my friends. I'm sorry yours are being so shit. Maybe you're holding back and not telling them that you need them and they think you want to be left alone? My friendships deepened but I did have them all on a rotation of who I cried/raged too and did always apologise for taking over the conversation with my shit/made a concrete effort to ask and listen about them too.

Try speaking to them and telling them that you need them before assuming the worst.

I chose to leave some friendships behind as they would simply have been a way to keep my ex updated. We had a very bitter, mud slinging divorce. No kids but we had a business we started together and a house. I walked away for my own mental health and was prepared to just 'walk away'. That was until the lies and misinformation started filtering through. Then I decided to stand up for myself and expose him for the bastard he was. All turned out great in the end.

I think I isolated myself a bit tbh. I chose very carefully who I wanted to speak about the breakdown of the marriage with. I have 3 friends who know everything. I trust them completely. One friend I have known forever asked me hundreds of questions and exhausted me. I stepped back from the friendship. As it felt it was about her needing details which I didn’t want to give. I really wanted to look out for my children. I would say counselling could be good if you need to discuss the relationship ending. Then maybe consider hobbies/work/studying for building new friendships.

I lost some and made some new friends. Divorce, or actually being on my own for the first time as an adult, changed me. I was a lot poorer, which didn't help with some of my social life, but I was also suddenly trying out new hobbies and interests (or actually nobody was pulling me back anymore). It made me a more content person and I'm happy for the change. My old friends were great for a drink and a party. My new friends are people with similar interests and love going to museums or on city trips closeby just like me.

I guess that my new stage of life was a better fit for some friends than others. It wasn't just loss, it gave me more space for new as well.

My ex lost most of our joint friends post break up. This is because he didn't make an effort with people and treated me as his social secretary. One of the many small things that led to our break up was him shouting at me because I hadn't made a note of one of his mates birthday parties so we missed it, despite the fact the mate messaged him and not me about it.

I lost a couple of friends I'd have considered more "mine" than "ours", but that's because I was ruthless in dropping anyone who tried to do "I can be friends with both of you" (it wasn't an amicable divorce) or whom I suspected of fishing for gossip under the pretext of offering me support.