Controlling behaviour

[Namechange1772]

Have recently been told that STBXH ignoring my emails trying to get child arrangements in place is controlling.

I had never really thought about his behaviour being controlling before, but a few things are starting to make sense. But now I worry when I assert myself I’m being controlling (e.g. by asking for a timetable to be agreed more than a week in advance).

Wondering if anyone could share what they understand controlling behaviour is and maybe give some examples they have experienced. Looking to understand the more subtle behaviour.

I’m so full of self-doubt that I can’t make sense of anything.

There's no textbook to reference, here. This is about feelings. If you're trying to get someone to do things the way you want them to, they may or may not perceive that as controlling. Other people might perceive it differently. If someone is trying to get you to do things the way they want you to, you may or may not perceive that as controlling. Other people may perceive it differently.

You have to make the rules for yourself. That's what makes your life your own. Laws are there to stop people going too far, but anything within the law goes. The trick is in finding people to be around who have similar values to you, so that the way you make the rules for your life feels comfortable and welcome and understood.

You and your ex might not have the same morals, and people might think you're being controlling, when you don't think you are. And that's fine. They can think you're an alien with blue hair from the planet zog, if they want. It doesn't matter, unless you have decided to give them the power to amend your rules for you, about how you want to live your life.

You are in charge.

The difference is whether the person asking is making a demand or a request.

Those who try to control others will often express their wishes in the form of an order instead of asking. Pay attention to how he is framing this. Is it a demand or a request?

Re your comment:
"But now I worry when I assert myself I’m being controlling (e.g. by asking for a timetable to be agreed more than a week in advance)".

That is making a request so no you are not being controlling here. Asserting your own self here is not being controlling either.

A controlling partner may
Make decisions without consulting you
Suggest how your money is spent
Try to tell you who you can and cannot hang out with.
Consider themselves to be the boss or the dominant one in the relationship
Refuse to take your ideas or suggestions into much consideration
Try to tell you what you can and cannot wear
Try to tell you where you can and cannot go
Accuse you of lying with little or no evidence
Accuse you of cheating on him/her
Be unreasonably demanding
Resort to threats, ultimatums or blackmail
Rationalize that their behaviour is all because they love you
Make you feel like you always have something to prove to them
Constantly check up on you and might even spy on you
Have a way of blaming you for everything
Ask or persuade you to change things about who you are, your beliefs, and values
Keep an unbalanced give and take routine. Are you always the only one giving in the relationship, and your partner is the one doing all the taking?
Invade your privacy
Refuse to compromise. Does your ex partner insist on having things their way in favor over yours? Are they stubborn or difficult in dealing with issues that require a compromise?. It appears so
Get irrationally upset when they don’t get their way. If they ever hear the word “no” or they don’t get their way, how do they act? Do they become aggressive, dramatic, or even violent?

Do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your ex is in those pages.

Someone who is controlling is someone who believes their requests/needs/wants must be prioritised, is unwilling to compromise or negotiate and who punishes other people in some way to ensure what they want is what they get. The punishment can vary from the obviously abusive - physical - to more subtle things like using silent treatment or changing their mind about something they'd previously agreed to do.

You asking him for notification regarding time with the DC is not controlling. It would be controlling I guess if you said that if he didn't agree with everything you ask for he cannot see the DC at all.

Most likely, when you were together, the controlling behaviour would have been visible in the way that you found yourself doing or saying things (or not doing and saying them) in order to ensure that he didn't kick off or get angry or some other thing.