Reconciliation

[CDmum035]

Hi, this is long but bare with:

Background: I was with my ex (J) for 4 years, got pregnant (we both wanted this) then he started being abusive, financially controlling, gave me anxiety, locked me in the house a lot, isolated me from friends and family, took video recordings of me without my knowledge, called the police on me. Police noticed the abuse and got me and my child out of there ASAP and told me to file for a restraining order because the abuse will continue. I didn't want to keep him (J) away from our child because I didn't want to be "that mum". Over the years (5 years) he (J) has withheld maintainence, abused me verbally, refuses to cooperate with our child's routines and all round picked a fight over absolutely everything but wants to be half involved in absolutely everything as well. He (J) has parental rights but he lives 100 miles away but wants the same feedback from school everyday and wants to be included in medical appointments which is pretty much impossible, (i give him feedback about every appointment, but thats not good enough for him) he won't give me permission to vaccinate our child (D) and is quite frankly doing the opposite of anything i have asked or suggested. He doesn't pay or contribute for our child's private tuition outside of school (which D needs to keep on track), or after school activities, in school subscriptions such as meals or milk or even uniform. I actually regret not going through with the restraining order because the police were right it didn't stop and in fact its probably got worse. Either way, that's my fault for not following through and I deal with that separately.

Problem: D goes to J every other weekend. I have never refused J contact with D and even though I don't like him at all, I have never showed this to our child. The problem with this is, now D is 5 and is asking for me and J to get back together. Because D never saw the abuse and has never seen any hostility towards eachother. I keep saying no, that we both love D but don't love eachother and I am in a new relationship of 3 years (no step children) and J is also in a relationship of 1 year (1 step child (M)). So, D keeps asking if we can all live in the same house and I keep saying no but this will not get dropped. Now, D says D wants to live with J. J said he would move closer 4 years ago but hasn't. D has had a tablet here where her close friends and relatives can contact D and J has never even contacted D once. Yet, when D is away for the week there I call D every couple of days to see how D is doing. I have changed my job twice so I can spend more time with D, do regular activities such as park, swimming, baking, crafts, we are always doing something. But everytime D comes back from time at Js D says D spent time watching movies and going on the tablet. No outings, no playing together, D says D plays with M and J doesn't want to play with D. Here D has screen time limited to 1 hour / 1 movie a day. This was supposed to be the same for Js house too. Now, I think D only wants to go there because there's another child in the house so D has another child to play with and/or because J let's D on the tablet from dawn till dusk.
It's making me sad that D wants to go there, because I do everything for D. Anything I do, D is at the front of my mind, but J seems to not care at all, he just wants to do and pay the bare minimum and still have all the same rights too, then on top of that D seems to prefer to be there, i think because D has minimal rules there too. I said that D can be involved in the living decision when D is 10+ so if D wants to go there, I will have to let D go and I will have D on weekends instead, but honestly it's breaking my heart to even think about that being a possibility.

1. How do I stop D from asking for me and J to get back together without telling D about the reasons why we are not together anymore?
2. How do I know what is best for D, as in, should D be somewhere D prefers or should D be with me because from my perspective I give D better holistic care?
3. How do I talk to J to ask him to spend more quality time with D without just giving D a tablet? Or enforce the rule that D is only allowed the tablet for 1 hour a day?

There's a lot to process but I feel like everything I do is the wrong decision. I want to do right by D and give D the best life possible while also letting D contribute to Ds own life. I can't seem to come to any middle ground with J at all. We have been through mediation to do some sort of parenting agreement but he refuses and its not legally enforceable. Mediation was a waste of time and money and did not achieve anything. The only thing that is enforceable is the days of contact which I think is ridiculous because we don't have a problem with the days of contact but the things that happens during the contact that's the issue.
Any ideas anyone?

It’s hard but your child is only young and easily influenced by the lack of rules etc. It takes until they are much older unfortunately for them to appreciate their hands on parent for what they are.

Unfortunately you can only ask that he follows the same rules you do but you can’t insist on it. Mediation should never be done with an abuser and I think you just have to let go of trying to influence his behaviour as you’re never going to get anywhere with someone like him. Just keep reiterating to your child that you and daddy love him but not each other and are never going to be a couple again. He loves you both and it’s natural for him to want to see you both, all of the time. Big hugs, it’s horrible to hear that kind of thing when you’re doing everything for your child and his father clearly isn’t. Can he withhold permission for vaccines? Why is he? I bet he’s vaccinated. Can you speak to your GP about that?

Can't you just say 'daddy wasn't nice to mummy so we won't ever get back together'.

You don't need to give the full details. But children know what bullies are. And we shouldn't gaslight them and tell them bad behaviour is OK or something we should tolerate.

We should empower them by letting them know that we do not tolerate bullying or nastiness in any relationship.

That dad might be nice to her but he isn't nice to you so you aren't interested in being around him.

Also, the less time he spends with her, the better.

He's an abuser. And he may be nice to her now. But that won't last.

Pink - I want to say that but then I don't want to start a "He did this and she did that" with my child in the middle. I have said things along the lines of "everyone is happier this way" and "now you have 2 families so you're really lucky" but it doesn't matter. D is obsessed with the idea of having a "normal" family.
Zanatdy- I have been told that because J has parental rights he has the right to say no and the healthcare professionals have to go with any "no". However they did say (on the down-low) that I can just get D vaccinated at a walk in clinic and I can go behind his back, they won't ask him for permission because I'm literally there giving permission but he can take me to court for violating his parental rights. The things is, we agreed D would be vaccinated before she was born, J is just being difficult to cause more agro. So, I fear that he will definitely take me to court if I go behind his back and get the vaccinations anyway but at the same time I don't want D to get sick because D hasn't been vaccinated.
I just fear that he is always not putting D first purely to be spiteful to me and there's literally nothing I can do about it. I feel so stuck. I want to whatever is best for D but I don't know what that is supposed to even look like.

Does your child dislike your partner? Is that why she wants to live with her dad?

'Dad and I were unhappy together, we argued all the time. So we won't be getting back together'

Eye - No, they get on really well. Ds chosen to call him Dad too and when Ds upset D actually goes to him instead of me most of the time. D actually said its because J let's her do more of what D wants but what D wants isn't always what D needs I.e. I have to make D go to school and I have to do homework and give D a balanced diet and D has a strict bedtime here because of those things and J let's D stay up all weekend and eat what D wants I.e. Mcdonalds most days and D doesn't have school when D is at Js and D can literally sit in front of a screen all day which D has told me D does almost all the time. Just wondering when it's going to change so that D will realise that although I'm not giving D what D wants now that my intentions are good and for Ds future. D does do a lot of what D wants to do here too, it's just we have less time because D has other commitments here.