Why cant I get over it?

[BippityBoppityBoehyBish]

I was dating a man from September until January. I ended things when a woman got in touch and it turns out he was also dating her but lying to us both.

I confronted him when the woman got in touch with me and he denied it. But she provided screenshots ect. So I called things off

He got in touch with me halfway through February and I replied with a GIF saying "absolutely not" ( childish I know, but I didnt want to get into it with him )

But since then. I've really regretted "rejecting" him

I know I did the right thing. You cant trust a liar and his behaviour really hurt me. I really liked him. He definetly was a charmer

I just dont understand why I still want to get in touch with him 🤦‍♀️ I know I was right to stay away from him. But I wish I didnt have to.

He was the first man i dated since i left an abusive relationship in 2017, so i assume that's part of it, for whatever reason.

But God, i just want to get rid of these feelings. I dont want to like him anymore. I dont think about him all day everyday or anything like that, but I do miss what we had, despite it only being a few months

You do not want this lying fuckwit back. Give yourself time, your feelings will work themselves out.

Same boat only I only dumped mine a week ago

It's because we liked them . Mine was gorgeous. But I wanted him to be someone he wasn't

And now I'm twisting things in my head 'was he really that bad? Did I do the right thing? Could it have worked eventually?'
Probably not but I'll keep torturing myself for a good while yet I'm sure

Have you dated since? It might be an idea to go on a few dates and be distracted with other guys.
I guess it not working out with him triggers bigger fears like what if I never find someone why am I unlucky in love and so on. It's not him it's what he represents and your fears about the future.
You know how these days there are people who date several at the same time until the commitment / exclusivity talk? Well did he promise he's not seeing anyone? As you hadn't dated since 2017 these days the dating scene has become very American where we have dating and then exclusively dating and then gf/bf.

@HollyLolly2023 but he lied

Aquamarine1029

I keep telling myself that. It wasnt too bad until he got back in touch. But since then, I've just been like "what if". Realisticly I know someone like him wont change but the stupid part of my brain is like "maybe he will". I wont get in touch with him, I deserve better, I just want to stop these silly thoughts of what if and maybe

qqq82

Mine was really good looking too. And really tall. Really funny, outgoing, confident. So lovely to me Amd full of compliments. Messaged me everyday 🤦‍♀️ to find out that I wasnt "special" and he was like this with another woman was really hurtful

HollyLolly2023

Yes we both spoke and had said we were both exclusive, if he had said he wanted to date other people it would of hurt but I wouldnt of said anything and would of kept my options open too. It's the fact he lied and said he wasnt dating anyone else nor was he looking too.

The only reason the other woman got in touch is because he had also told her he wasnt dating anyone else and wanted to be exclusive with her, I'd tagged him in a post on social media and she had come across it and that's when she messaged.

I've not dated anyone since, I feel stupid. I'm aware I'm quite "vulnerable" in a sense. I was with my childrens father from 18 to 25. I dont have much experience in the dating world and I naively thought that I'd found someone I could potentially have a nice relationship with. It's really knocked my confidence and as stupid as it is, it's really hurt me. For now, I cant do this to myself again. The first few weeks after were really hard and I cried a lot 🤦‍♀️

Mine was ridiculously tall. But he'd been single for years and there has to be a reason a guy who looks like him stays single . I would get radio silence for days , he was very flakey when it came to picking a date to see each other again , the compliments dried up completely after the 5 date
I lost my rag last weekend when it turned out he couldn't see me the next day as agreed but neglected to tell me

It would have been easier for me if he'd ended things so I didn't have to question my own judgement
Feels counterintuitive to finish someone you like

qqq82

The man I was seeing was really attentive. Would message throughout the day, send pictures of himself whilst he was working ect. Messaged me good morning everyday and goodnight every evening 😭. I feel stupid knowing he was also messaging the other woman the same thing, he was probably copying and pasting messages 🤦‍♀️

I dunno yano, despite the fact I ended things, I still feel like he rejected me, despite the fact he didnt. Because their behaviour is a rejection i suppose, its left me with feelings of not being enough

I hope we can both move on from this

Yeah I know what you mean

"He was the first man i dated since i left an abusive relationship in 2017, so i assume that's part of it, for whatever reason".

Yes it is. Your heart needs to catch up with brain.

The abuse you suffered was not your fault in any way. This is ALL on the perpatrators.

Do read this article too www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

What did you really have with him; he probably love bombed you to begin with then it was a cycle of exhilerating highs followed by crushing lows. Read this article entitled the Loser

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I would suggest you read about and then enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme; this can be done online and in person. It is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

Your boundaries, already messed with by a previous abusive relationship, were further got at by this individual now. Overtly charming men too can also make for being dangerous lovers and you likely also missed some whopping red flags in the early days of this short lived relationship. Do also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Take him out of the equation, and think about what the relationship was doing for you. What would the relief be, if you and he got back together? Would you feel worthy of love? Would you feel less lonely? Would you feel better looking? Would you feel more confident?

Narrow it right down, because the reason you can't let go of him is because he was doing something for you that you are currently not doing for yourself. Once you work out what it is, you can learn how to do it for yourself, and then you won't need him anymore.

@qqq82 good looking blokes tend to play the field longer generally because they are like a kid in a sweet shop there are many women throwing themselves at them, so many opportunities to 'sample' sex with as many different women as possible. He's milking his good looks and living like Peterpan.
When good looking men settle down it doesn't stop either as they still play around 9/10 times.

Good looking men are fun for sex but they're a nightmare to try and settle down with. Even if he tries to be loyal you'll be fending women right left and centre and the buggers (men) tend to keep their figure as they age, ok may lose hair but if he's sporty and looks after himself, being tall will forever be a plus with women even when he's 50 @qqq82

When good looking men settle down it doesn't stop either as they still play around 9/10 times

Shame you feel this way. It's not true.

Yea bit of a blanket statement!

As everyone has said give your heart time to catch up with your brain

I’m in the same boat , was totally besotted with an emotionally unavailable man all last year

I even had sex with a new one yesterday and lay there all teary eyes for the old one

this Is all human and normal

whats helped me is the reading as posted above and realising this is all human and normal

and our boundaries after an abusive relationship are shot to shit xxx

The way you’re feeling is an indication that you have a bit too much dead time in your life, and that is when you’re thinking about him.

Book yourself into activities and events you might find exciting… walking tours, cooking classes, dance classes, book reading groups, local sports like swimming, running…

Do things to improve your health and your mind, go and have fun doing new things! I want you to have so much going on that thinking of him is boring by comparison.

Remember to bring FUN into your life, and when you have that, you’re the happiest most attractive person in the world, you’ll be beating potential partners off with a stick.

Try it. It works.

@Watchkeys your advice just helped me
immensely, thank you.