Is this a controlling relationship or am I too sensitive?

[lanabye]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. At this point, I'd just come out of a very toxic relationship and my self-esteem was in tatters. For this reason, I got into a relationship with him despite him still being in a long-term relationship, and this carried on for a couple of months. Please don't flame me for this, I know I did wrong.

I gave him the ultimatum of choosing her or me. However, he carried on seeing the both of us whilst lying to me about where he was. They shared a dog together and he said that he was going back to see/walk the dog and that she was never there. But obviously I later found out that in fact she was there and they'd been having cuddles and chats, and walking the dog together. He even spent half of NYE with her and the other half with me, which is also something I found out later. Ultimately, he chose her because he'd spent the last 10 years with her and he said he didn't want to leave what felt comfortable, even though he was unhappy and they never had sex. So he was basically having his cake and eating it until the point of deciding.

I ended up persuading him to come back to me because I was unbelievably desperate (believe me, I'm not proud of this) and so he did. We started seeing each other regularly and things improved lots. However, a few months down the line I found out that he was messaging someone who he'd previously been sexting and exchanging pictures with while he was with his ex. I was heartbroken all over again.

Anyway, stupid old me still carried on despite all of this and we've been together ever since. There have been a lot of good memories, and I've never let myself be myself the way I have been with him. However, there is a lot of insecurity and trust issues on his part ironically, and he gets very jealous and possessive with regards to me talking to male work colleagues etc. It's borderline controlling but he says that it's because he doesn't want people to disrespect me, and that he's protective of me.

I do believe that he genuinely loves me now, and he'd do anything for me. His relationship with my child has at some points been difficult due to her having ADHD, and him not having much patience. He's stepped in with disciplining her when it's not his place, which has often caused arguments and friction between all 3 of us. He doesn't have any children.

Most recently, we've had minor arguments about him being jealous of other men, and questioning me about stuff. In the beginning there were definitely red flags, and he used to get angry when I didn't reply within an hour or so, and said that it wasn't normal for people in a relationship not to check in with each other to let the other know where they are and what they're doing etc. I disagreed and was used to doing things independently. He's not as bad now but there's definitely controlling/possessive elements to his behaviour.

So currently we're having a break and I'm on the verge of ending it completely. I'm so worried about doing the wrong thing, and letting go of something that could get better. I know this post paints him in such a negative light but he's really not all bad. He has a good heart but he's troubled for whatever reason, and his insecurities affect his attitude and behaviour towards me at times.

He says that I'm too negative and that everyone argues but when we argue it's awful. I do think I'm hypersensitive due to my upbringing and the fact that my parents were always arguing, but this seems unhealthy. I love him but it's so difficult.

My head is a mess. Can anyone please share their thoughts if you've made it this far? Thank you.

He’s terrible and you must have incredibly low self esteem to tolerate this behaviour, you should leave him.

I do or did have low self-esteem. It's improved with time and age but I'm not proud of the position I got myself into.

Stay away from him OP. He's not good for your or your daughter. He's probably jealous like that because he's projecting on to you. Are you sure he doesn't contact his ex or other women? You're better off without him.

It’s not improved nearly far enough.

Hes jealous because of how he acts behind your back, it’s projection.

This relationship was doomed from the start, stop putting your daughter through it and end it.

He's got more red flags than a communist parade. You're not oversensitive, he just tramples over every single boundary you have in place and doesn't give a fuck how it makes you feel. You're in another abusive relationship, so time to let it go and stay single for a good while whilst you put yourself back together.

What?

So he was a cheater when he got with you? You knew he was a cheater. You played the pick me games for ages. Even to the point of having to ‘convince’ him to come back.

He isn’t good with your child and they don’t get on and he over steps boundaries with your child.

You are both insecure because you know, cheating isn’t a hard line. You both know, that the harm caused to other people isn’t something that would stop you cheating.

You know that, on his own, you weren’t his first choice. He never chose you. You had to bed and cajole. And even then he probably only came to you because she ended it, or it was easier for him.

and you are still wondering if you should be in a relationship with this person?

There’s no such thing as “too sensitive” and just that phrase alone smacks of someone projecting their own inability to deal with their behaviour onto you.

Your “sensitivity” is simply your likes, dislikes, preferences - your boundaries. If someone doesn’t line up with your preferences (or you can’t both flex to a reasonable degree to be comfortable with each other) then you need to question what’s keeping you with them.

I'm so worried about doing the wrong thing, and letting go of something that could get better.

This is worrying because you’re keeping him in mind because of the promise of what he could be in the future - some idealised picture of him. That’s not fair to him or you. The only thing you need to think about is whether he’s right for you right now.

Well he will cheat again at some point as he knows this ok.

Also he does sound like he is a good option for your DD and this will worsen as she gets older and into teens. His possessiveness will worsen too. These things never get better

I promise you that he will never make you happy. The only question is, how many tears will you shed before it’s finally over?

Just END it. You know you should. You’re just scared of being alone. Which is ironic because being single is far far more fun that humouring a man like this.

I don't think that he's still in touch with his ex or any other woman. He let's me use his phone whenever I want, whereas he gets paranoid about the slightest sniff of another man being near me. I've become used to having to reassure him that "insert name" isn't trying to flirt with me, or that people at work aren't hitting on me. It's ridiculous. I don't claim to be innocent because obviously I played a big part in how we met, and I shouldn't have carried on seeing him.

I'm definitely scared of being alone. I'm 33 and feel like time is ticking, and that I'll never meet someone else now. But I know that he's not the right person for me or my dd. She loves him but I've even heard her make excuses for his behaviour by saying "that's in the past now" when referring to him getting angry with her for not sleeping good. To be fair, she's a nightmare at bedtime but it's not his place. It never was.

he says that it's because he doesn't want people to disrespect me

All the while he carries on disrespecting you and you enable it!

You’ll never meet anyone else at 33! Really !!! Some people not met the person they are meant to be with until much later! You have loads of time

Your poor daughter. Think about what's best for her. This isn't it.

My thoughts are thst you should set a better example to your daughter and not stay in a relationship with a man who is controlling and jealous. No amount of good qualities outweighs toxic behaviour.

Daughters get their sense of self worth and what relationships are supposed to he like by watching us and how much respect we have for ourselves.

OP - it really does sound like you would benefit from time alone.

You left what you describe as a very toxic relationship to become this guy’s affair partner and have since then had a shit storm of a relationship. Just stop. Far better to be alone than so badly accompanied.

You need to learn how to live independently as an adult otherwise you’ll continue to make bad choices about men in your desperation to avoid being alone.

What do you want to model for your daughter - a strong, independent woman who holds her own in the world or a woman who lurches from one unsuitable man to another?

If you're hypersensitive because of your upbringing, you need a more respectful partner, not to put up with more crossing of your boundaries.

OP, you are in charge of deciding whether you're being 'too sensitive' or not. If you're asking us, or relying on his judgment of your sensitivity, you are looking for external invalidation. If you're going to be happy, you need to start validating yourself. This is how it goes: 'I have this level of sensitivity because that's what represents who I am and the experiences I've had. I accept that. Anybody who rejects my level of sensitivity (or my level of anything at all) can stay away from me if they don't like who I am. I do not give them the authority to judge whether I'm doing life/feelings correctly or not.'

If someone says that you're too sensitive, what they mean is that you're too sensitive for their liking. There's no objective correct level to which we're supposed to aspire, when it comes to feelings and emotions.

He's doing things that make you feel bad. Stop throwing negative judgments at yourself. If you don't like a certain food, you don't eat it; you don't negatively judge your dislike and try to change it because someone tells you that you should like it. If you don't like an activity, you don't do it; you don't try to make yourself like it because someone else tells you should. It's the same with people. If you don't like the way someone makes you feel, you don't try to feel differently about the way you treat you, because they say you should. You respect your own preferences, and choose to spend time with people whose company you enjoy, and find respectful.

i think you’ve written about him before? Are mh nurse?