Is this still friendship or is he hiding some feelings?

[boden23]

I am a bit puzzled with a male friend of mine. We have known each other for over 30 years. Since high school. Back then we would be in the same social circle and on one school trip we even sat together and held hands. Shy as we were back then nothing ever moved any futher. After finishing school we lost contact for few years but reconnected when Facebook came about. At that point I was living abroad, married. We were in touch, would meet up, he'd known my then husband. Fast forward another decade I found myself in a bit of a difficulty ( I do not want to go into detail), he then told me that if I need to talk he is always there. Knowing that I have known him for so long I started opening up and he became my confidant. Having him truly helped me get through difficulties and that male perspective is invaluable in what I am still going through. He is always there, replying promptly, always supportive, offers help and assistance even when I do not ask. Few times mentioned it be nice if we were neighbours, many times went with me looking at properties, helping with legal stuff (he is a solicitor), never took a penny, always picks me up, drops me off. I can talk to him about absolutely everything. No, he is not gay. He never speaks about his love life. I do not ask. He often compliments my cooking, paid me compliment twice about my look, is positive about my future and that I will find peace and true love. I do not know am I running a potential story in my head or is he hiding some feelings? He is always there but does not overwhelms with his presence. He has female friends but do guys really behave like that with other women?

It's rare for a man to be this good a friend to a woman with nothing else going on, unless your friendship developed in a close but 'safe' environment, maybe in a particularly good work team or similar. Even then, though, you'd know about each other's personal lives. I find it very strange that you seem to think he's had nothing going on at all in the years you've known each other.

Do you know his friends? Do you socialise together in a group? Has he dated at all? I wondered if perhaps you're trying not to know about his personal life, in order to keep a private fantasy alive.

I’d say he has feelings
no man is this kind to a woman he doesn’t find attractive ! Sorry

It is possible, it might be unrequited love on his part, or maybe he just values you as a very dear friend, especially as the roots go way back to high school, or maybe he just isn't interested in developing anything further, with anyone.

The question is whether you are interested in things going further? If so you could try hugging/kissing him goodbye and see what reaction you get

What are your feelings for him?

My best friend is a man. We even had a brief relationship 30 years ago. He has been my support for the last 30 years. I love him dearly as a friend. Our relationship is totally platonic. It does happen.

He sounds lovely. He may really like you, it maybe more but what a great person to have in your life. Have you noticed any flirting etc. If you flirt what happens. I assume you've told him you enjoy his company and like being around him. How do you respond to his compliments?

I think you have opportunities to gently explore possibilities without overdoing it.

Well that's not true is it. Nice people are nice to anyone.

I will answer collectively - we live in two different countries but I visit often. We try and meet up each time, always briefly never fancy. We are in touch via messages daily. He is a very busy solicitor with his own firm but I never have to wait long for a reply. He knows I do not like intense people so he does not overwhelm me with messages. However once I start a topic he is always engaged. He doesn't like texting about my personal situationship and I know he would like me to be out of it (complicated). He does empathise with me and gives words of support though. He even said something last week that to start something new my heart must be free and probably isn't. I felt he was testing the water. Unless it is in my head. When we are in a car together I can feel he is genuinely happy to see me and smiles and jokes. He makes me laugh a lot as we have a lot in common from school times so we can talk for hours. He loves my cooking when I share on Facebook and even said 'many men would give a lot for such dinner served each day' I know he meant himself because he hasn't got time to cook. He likes everything I post. If I change a profile picture here likes it each time. He always finds time for me which also makes me wonder. He never said no to me. Never. I am way to shy to make any moves forward in case there is nothing there plus I do not want to lose a friend. He knows he is my best friend. I do not tell anyone what I tell him. On the other hand I do not believe there is nothing there. I married a man in the past who was my work colleague turn best friend so I know the friendship - relationship has a fine line. Someone here asked about compliments - he pays them in a very subtle way he would say that I always look fresh faced, lovely, my cooking looks divine and many would love to eat that' It is all very subtle. We have friends in common but as I live abroad I do not join the circle however in the past each time I organised something he was there. He is always and I mean always there. We are both the only children and we do not have our own families. I once said to him that I am worried that when I am old there will not be anyone to do my funeral and he said he will do it for me. He often jokes he hopes we will end up in the same care home and have a blast together. Yes, he did tell me he likes me very much many times but I took it as in a friends way.

This is categorically not true. I know 2 men who are kind to me and don't have any physical attraction to me. They are close friends of mine, both have partners I'm friends with as well, and it's gone on the same way for years. Like brothers almost, in the same way you might say an old female friend was almost like a sister.

It's not just me. Lots of male/female relationships are platonic.

@boden23 We can't answer your question. You're asking complete strangers to tell you someone else's feelings based on your interpretation of events. The person who can tell you how he feels is him. If you can't ask him, then it doesn't make any difference to anything.

From what you've said, he may have feelings for you, or he may not. I'm not being deliberately unhelpful, but how would you expect anything to progress or be decided if you can't ask him things and consult a forum instead?

I haven't experienced nor witnessed a purely platonic friendship from a straight male to this extent so I'd say has feelings

But many have.

OP, this man's profession requires him to be articulate on a regular basis. It seems as though he sees you as a close and dear friend. It sounds as though you have required a lot of emotional support during this friendship ,him not so much and maybe not at all.

Men and women can and do have close friendships that never become romantic. If this were a long term female friend who had supported you in the same way over the same time span, you thoughts would not be that she had some unexpressed or latent romantic interest in you.

If you really want to know his thoughts about the possibility of a romantic relationship between the two of you, then you should be direct and raise the issue realizing that this may also cause him to pull back from your current relationship.

He never speaks about his love life. I do not ask.

I would say if you both do not speak about his relationships then it is not completely platonic. Is he married, does he have children, grandchildren ? all these things are part of a platonic friendship.
It seems you both view one another as a safety blanket and ego boost to your other relationships, and a view if those relationships ever ended you would be there for one another.

I would say he's always held a candle for you but has other responsibilities, maybe, and you have leaned on him when you needed.

we are both not married and both childfree

Oh sorry, I took the no families to mean no parents alive, that supported you over the years.

Oh well, then if you need to know then ask, sounds like he could have you on a bit of a pedastal and if you were to ever be together you would see one another warts and all, sometimes it's nice to keep some things as a fantasy.

I can not ask him directly. Just not something I would ever do. His friendship, wisdom and care he offers is precious but I can sense there is something else there. It might be that we are both simply scared of what this could mean for us.

I can not ask him directly

Then, either way, you could not have a healthy relationship with him. A healthy relationship requires 2 people who are open with their feelings, even when it's a risk.

Can you increase the intensity of your relationship and physical contact and see if he reciprocates. Hug him longer, touch him more. "You have something in your eye" and just watch, see what he does. It sounds like he's telling you that he's not considered your relationship due to your circumstances and until that has changed he will be a good friend but nothing more.

Some people are able to block romantic notions on the grounds of morals and beliefs. He sounds like he's one of these people

Has his friendship stopped you from seeking other romantic relationships?