Please tell me what you think.

[Lentil63]

I wrote this earlier in response to someone else’s question. I’m feeling pretty down reading it back. I’m nearly 60, my life is settled. I love this man but I’m sad and I do wonder what my life might have been like. I especially wonder if I would have enjoyed sex. This is what I wrote:

“No one ever told me that I should expect anything for myself. I was always told to put everyone before myself. He made sure I understood how unbelievably lucky I was to have him (I was only thirteen at the outset). He criticised me frequently. He compared me unfavourably with other women. He made me feel like I was so lucky to have him because no one else would want me. He bemoaned my (lack of) interest in sex while demanding I orgasmed with him without any foreplay; he called me frigid. I thought there was something wrong with me sexually. He made sure I knew how many women found him interesting.

I’ve been with him now for 47 years! He’s better but can still be difficult. I feel so very sad for my younger self.”
😔

Lentil - I'm not surprised that articulating this has made you feel sad. It is sad. You deserve better sex, you deserve to feel valued and 59 is not too late to get both.
Better advice will come from others but I wanted to say that it must feel incredibly overwhelming to think about communicating any of this to your husband. Do you think you could, at all? Does it feel like a loving relationship at all?
Having reflected on what you have written, what you like to do about it?

This is so sad, OP. You say you love this man, but does he show any love for you? Are you sure your feelings for him aren’t just familiarity or fear of change? He condemned you to a life of rubbish sex, as he is a selfish and incompetent lover. You may still have 20 or 30 years ahead. Could you bear to spend them with him?

OIDespair, thank you for responding. I feel old now and my focus is on my children and grandchildren. My own relationship is mainly focused on keeping the peace which is not to say I do not love this man because I do with every shred of my being. There is just this pervading sadness for what may have been and for what I might have felt.

Ofcourseshecan, he’s been my life all my life and I love him. I wonder though if maybe I might have been different if things were different.

You can still be different OP. Love isn’t everything or even enough, at least not always

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You do realise he has abused you and likely also throughout your entire relationship by degrees. I am also horrified you were only 13 at the time you met, he has most certainly groomed you over the years to further tacitly accept your supposed lot in life. How much older than you is he?.

I can also imagine your home life was no picnic at all either given your comments about putting everyone else first with your own needs and wants dead last. You became a vulnerable young woman with poor boundaries who then caught the attention of this man. Your parents in turn taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships and those have stuck with you to this very day. Now you're further reduced to keeping the peace with your H. What he has shown you here is not love but more like power and control; the very basis of abuse. I am wondering if you've also mixed up feelings of love here with codependency.

You still have a choice re this man, even now. Its never too late to start anew and rebuild your life without him in it and you're not that old really in the great scheme of things. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. You could well live for another 20-30 years yet, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?.

What do your now adult children think of their father?.

Do you love him ? Or have you conditioned yourself to ? What do you love about him ?

Freedom is daunting but could also be liberating.

Honestly, I'd consider leaving and finding yourself. You deserve to have all the experiences you've ever wanted.

Im a similar age and also questioning my relationship. On the plus side he is very dutiful (I am disabled) and a good provider.
But he is emotionally unavailable and made it clear many years ago he doesn't want sex with me.
We get on and have a great family but if he can put me down he will.
I feel I have put on a great show for about forty years and I'm mainly very happy but...I do regret my choices in some ways.
I've just lost a close friend who was ina similar position and wonder what she would advise me.

Look forward OP not back