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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Told him to leave..

7 replies

DuchessOfMuck · 04/03/2023 22:26

This is my very first post. I am so confused. My head is buzzing and I am so exhausted. I don't want to burden people in real life so here I am.

Background: my Dh works really hard basically two fulltime Jobs self-employed. He's trying to build up his success. This left me giving up my part-time job to see to our children and home. We have 5.

He has lots of unreasonable moments since we married 15 years ago. These are increasing and I can no longer turn a blind eye. This morning he ignored me and then his mate came and he was nothing but smiles and craic. Later he came in for lunch and was covered in slurry. Basically stinking. He refused to remove his brown covered jeans and said I was imagining the smell. He then sprinkled crumbs over the floor I just brushed. He undermined me in front of the children. Said I overreact and no wonder they won't listen to me. I felt so small, worthless and undermined.

It had been a hard week. I've been helping a family member to make sure they eat as they are an alcoholic and my grandparent has found out they have cancer. I was already emotionally worn out.

I packed a bag of food and blankets and basically drove and sat at the coast and cried. I have finally braved coming home after 7 hours and nothing has changed. Everything is my fault. Apparently all I do is rant and rave even though I am too broken at the moment to properly speak. He constantly shouted at me. He didn't care how I was or where I was. I told him he's leaving.

I am so muddled. I can't think straight but I can't live like this anymore. If I didn't have children I would be long long gone.

I am so sorry this is so long

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2023 22:36

Sorry you've had to live with this guy for 15 years. But we'll done for coming to the conclusion that it's time to get rid of him.

I hope you are able to get away from him soon and that once he is gone, you sit your children down and make it clear to them that his behaviour was unacceptable and you left him because no one should behave the way he did to their partners. That way hopefully they will grow up to choose healthier relationships for themselves than what you had woth their father.

You and your kids deserve a happy home, free from abuse.

Try to take care of your physical health. Remember too, that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Mayve take a few more trips, just you, wherever you need to take them. Speak to a solicitor about divorce and what you should do next.

Good luck op!

DuchessOfMuck · 04/03/2023 22:41

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2023 22:36

Sorry you've had to live with this guy for 15 years. But we'll done for coming to the conclusion that it's time to get rid of him.

I hope you are able to get away from him soon and that once he is gone, you sit your children down and make it clear to them that his behaviour was unacceptable and you left him because no one should behave the way he did to their partners. That way hopefully they will grow up to choose healthier relationships for themselves than what you had woth their father.

You and your kids deserve a happy home, free from abuse.

Try to take care of your physical health. Remember too, that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Mayve take a few more trips, just you, wherever you need to take them. Speak to a solicitor about divorce and what you should do next.

Good luck op!

Thank you so much for your kind words. Having someone to conclude is really helpful. I am so scared I am overreacting x

OP posts:
Sicario · 04/03/2023 22:44

So sorry for what you are going through. You know that you are in an abusive marriage, and that's a really hard thing to face up to.

Nobody should have to live like that. And that includes you. You know you deserve better, right?

There is a better life on the other side of this. Your life belongs to you, not him, and you get to decide how you want to live it.

Sicario · 04/03/2023 22:48

You are NOT overreacting to being criticised, belittled and disrespected in your own home. You're not his bloody slave.

Men like that always blame their wife, accuse them of being selfish, unreasonable, and a million other things. They never take responsibility for their awful behaviour. If anything, when you say NO MORE and stand up to them, they often get worse in an attempt to put you back "in your place".

Justmeandthedog1 · 04/03/2023 22:58

Working two jobs is no excuse for disrespect and cruelty. You’re supposed to be in this together but I suspect he sees you as a skivvy to put his meals in front of him and solely care for your ( plural) children.
I’d tell him to move out too. Stay strong, you’ll gradually get your life back.

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2023 23:11

Definately not overreacting. More like finally waking up.

You only get one life and its yours to live, don't let anyone make it miserable for you. And don't make it miserable for yourself by staying with anyone who does.

FintanFernandez · 05/03/2023 15:37

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