Who do you think judges you?

[AppliqueFlower]

Wasn’t sure what title to give this.

I think therapy might help me but just wondered how common this is.

Do you have frequent, unwelcome thoughts about someone from your past or present, and what they would say to you/think about you in any given situation in your life?

Mine is my sister. I feel she has always been jealous of me and she’s difficult. I want to be able to give her little or no headspace but I have recently realised that for as long as I can remember, I’ve lived with being unduly concerned about what she thinks about me, what’s criticisms she had about me, what she’s saying about me etc.

It’s not paranoia by the way. Even when we are not in touch that much, she is in daily contact with my mother by phone, and I live next to my mum, so it’s not my imagination that she’s keeping tabs on me, I’ve overheard the phone conversations and know that she is close to my mother but has little else to talk about.

I find her annoying and overbearing, loud and just too much, but I care about her and we have a relationship. As my older sister she feels entitled to give me unwanted advice etc she can be quite hurtful; all stemming from rivalry I think.

Can anyone identify?
How can I shut that inner voice off where I’m imagining how she will react to my latest holiday or social life or life decisions? Where I’m preempting what she wants/expects from me and how I can keep her on side.
Am I codependent or something?

I forgot to say a big trigger is what I wear. Especially if it’s to a family event she’s at. She’ll manage to neg / say I’m overdressed for example. I’m over sensitive apparently.
I know it’s jealousy but it does upset me.

Seems that you have the measure of her. People who are insecure and jealous become hostile towards you and you are her target.

You are not imagining it. Pay attention to your own feelings - don’t doubt it.

What’s your DM role in this?

Think you need a 3 pronged approach:

1. Emotionally protect yourself by disengaging and putting in distance. Give her limited time or information about your life. This might mean giving your DM less info or asking her not to pass info either way.

1. Don’t waste anymore energy trying to change her - that’s impossible - but be accountable and responsible for how you change how you choose to respond to her. You are effectively now ‘managing’ her. So as above reduce time. At family do’s be ready to physically move on, sit somewhere else - and also have a couple of generic statements to deliver calmly and consistently - knowing she was getting off on your anxiety. A firm stare, eye roll or sigh is a start. If someone else is there look at them and give a head shake and side eye to your sister.

Maybe an ‘Enough.’ ‘Drop it’ ‘Leave it’ ‘This is tedious’ ‘Rude’ - have a generic phrase ready for any comment so that you don’t have to think on your feet.

1. Make sure that you spend more and more time with the good people in your life. The family and friends who value you, who leave you feeling radiant and good about yourself. When you hear her spiteful voice starting to pollute your thoughts - actively chase it out and replace it with ‘what would lovely friend say …. wow xx you look glorious, fresh, healthy…”

She is bullying you. Know that. Keep yourself out of punching distance.

Thank you so much for reading and replying. I think your reply is really helpful. I had thought about having a stock phrase ready but again, was second guessing myself in case I was accused of overreacting etc.
I really appreciate your ideas.

My DM’s role, mmmm in fairness to her, she won’t go for any bad mouthing of my sister and hopefully that stands for me too. But equally doesn’t get involved so if I look for her for support she literally acts like she doesn’t hear me. Or say something like ‘oh it’s just too bad you can’t just get on’ like we are naughty kids.

But then my mum doesn’t ‘do’ feelings.

but again, was second guessing myself in case I was accused of overreacting etc.

Thats exactly where these bullies want you to be - unsettled and doubting yourself - so that they hold the power. They need to put others down just to keep themselves afloat.

You aren’t ‘over reacting’ if you call someone out in a calm consistent tone. You will over react if you take it on board, internalise it, let it fester, hold contempt and blow …. just hand the insult back - it’s not yours - it’s theirs.

Thanks again. “Hand the insult back” calmly, is a great way to word it

My mother judged me negatively constantly.

The closest thing she gave me to a compliment was telling me once that she thought I'd be a terrible mother (to the point where she gave no support, sabotaged me, tried to get SS involved...) but that I'd "taken to it like a duck to water".

In my entire life, that's the nicest thing she ever said and probably the only nice thing she ever said.

She judged my looks, my body, my personality, my character, my hobbies, my intelligence, my friends, my hobbies, my interests, my career and found me lacking in every single aspect. When I last spoke to her at 37, she still responded to me as though I were a naughty child. She still told people I was 'naughty' for being disobedient.

I haven't seen her for 10 years so i dont need a stock phrase to reply with but I still sometimes find now that when I do something I know she disapproved of, I do think of it. But more because I'm proud of myself for being able to still does those things and push beyond a lifetime of judgement and critcism not because I ever wonder whether I'm right to be doing it or not.

Might sound a bit pathetic to people who've not been through it or are at a different stage of their journey to me but that feeling of "fuck you, mum" is the only thing that I have to keep me going when I start to doubt myself.

Brilliant, GreyCarpet well done for getting her out of your life. It is crazy the way their voice is internalised/ingrained in our minds. I can even hear in my mind’s eye, how my sister would judge random people. Never underdogs though, she loves them and being their champion, but anyone who is confident, pretty, charming, successful, oh and of course I mean women only!

That would be an interesting observation to calmly and consistently send back:

”I have noticed you are often critical of attractive women - why is that - do the threaten you?”

My opinionated twat ex was in my head for years after, judging everything I did. I had fake arguments in my head with him. I eventually decided no more. I’d catch myself and consciously decide to switch my thoughts to my lovely partner being sweet or my children laughing their heads off. It worked well.

At some point I had my partner’s judgey brother move into my head. Once I realised, I did the same thing. I also journaled about him to try and work him out a bit and why he was bothering me. This also worked very well.

I could have written your very post, except after feeling this way for so so long, I finally snapped and we no longer talk. She's still there in my head some days, judging what I do, what I wear, what I eat, my kids, my job, my partner etc, but it's definitely less than it used to be.

I've been told my whole life that I'm sensitive, by my parents. So I get it. It's like some people get annoyed that you don't want to be insulted.

The next time your sister tells her that you're sensitive ask her why then, she isn't careful not to keep insulting you?????

That's what I'd like to ask my own family!

@GreyCarpet my mum and dad do this, when i tried to ask them to stop labelling me paranoid, they got upset with me, they were the victims of me!!, they talked to each other and decided together not to communicate with me. So that was it, walls up shutters down VERDICT Joy is crazy and we are the victims.

I felt cancelled, invalidated. It did make me feel crazy for a while. I sought out a therapist. They had control of the narrative as the two of them decided I was disrespectful and angry. I was smeared to all the relatives. I kept trying to use logic to defend myself but their martyred narrative had no chink in it. I am "angry" and that. is. it.

Unless I accept their narrative that they are perfect and I am paranoid and angry there is no way back in to the family. It hurt so much but after 3 years it is starting to hurt less.

It's like a magic trick. All of the focus is on my anger with no acknowledgement of their projections, defensiveness, avoidance, covert and passive expressions of anger (seizing martyrdom and silent treatments).

My head was wrecked by them.
Thank god for therapist.
Even if one day they "forgive" me and we talk about the news and the weather, I can never forget the last 3 years. And I'm 52, they won't be around forever