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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

have decided my marriage is making me ill i wanna go whats the next step???

27 replies

ontheedgeneedapush · 10/02/2008 19:48

we have been married three years have a child together. we have a mortgage of 80k and equity of 110k

do i just take lo and go to my mums?
do we do trial seperation ?

i know counsellling wont work coz i know i cant carry on pretending i love him the way i used to i know i sound cold but its over and has been for a while

i nearly left in october and had a mini affair which was never consumated not that it makes it any better it was still wrong.

i just dont want to let him carry on trying when my hearts not in it and i dont want to string him along any more its not fair ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 10/02/2008 20:56

bump please i really need some help

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2008 20:58

sit down with him and tell him you are not happy, and that you want to divorce

if there is no hope and you were already tempted, then try to make a clean break of things

discoverlife · 10/02/2008 20:59

Just go. Sort out the details later when you aren't so close to the problem.

Lulumama · 10/02/2008 20:59

and seek legal advice asap. before you leave the marital home, and before you make any final decisions

do you know why and when things started to go wrong?

scanner · 10/02/2008 20:59

So sorry to hear you're going through this, I have been divorced but with no children involved - which is very different.

It sounds to me like the first step is to tell you h how you feel and take it one step at a time.

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 10/02/2008 21:17

i did tell him we have tried we are just not compatitable we have nothing in common .

im not named on the mortgage either and i dodnt want to stay here with him i need to go i cant stop with him he's not violent.

i know he loves me but its not enough i dont feel like that for him and too stay here with him would just make it worse and worse

OP posts:
Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 10/02/2008 21:26

things have not been good for a long time i think to be honest looking back i shouldnt have married him i knew he wasn't the one but he made me laugh and we got on well

but now the fact we have nothing in common and arent on the same level intellectually is driving me insane im completely fustrated

when i embarked on my lil affair i knew it was the beginiing of the end and i think because he took me back i think i lost some respect for him coz we have always said it would be the end i love him bt at the same time i just feel like its gone flat like i love like a friend not a lover anymore

my biggest fear is the fact ive had pnd and anxiety will he be able to use this against me if i lose my lo it will kill me.

i can go to my mums she'll have us for as long as wee need

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2008 21:29

i would not leave the marital home if your name is not on the mortgage or anything, you could essentially be giving up any rights to it

you will not lose your LO due to having had PND and anxiety....

seek legal advice tomorrow if possible, at least go to CAB

Lulumama · 10/02/2008 21:31

if you are 150 % sure there is no future.. then you have to be totally upfront with DH and be strong and start the path to forging a life on without him

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 10/02/2008 21:53

i cant stop here with him

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2008 22:08

it is your decision, i personally would hang fire until i had legal advice, but if you feel you must go, then do so.

Eve34 · 10/02/2008 22:32

You have to do what you need to do - is the money the most important thing? or you and your lo well being. I know it is going to be difficult to walk away - been there done that. I promise you once you have made the break you will feel like a new women. You have somewhere to go - seek legal advise ref your financial situation and make a new start - good luck x

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 11/02/2008 00:26

i cant leave til weds coz he's away til then

to be honest the money from the house doesnt bother me coz i never put any money into it

im more worried about providin for my lo am gonna find a solicitor to morrow

OP posts:
Eve34 · 11/02/2008 20:01

How did it go, did you get some advice - sure there are options open to you and your lo to get by. Good luck x

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 11/02/2008 21:08

hi ty went to see my mum benefits people are suppossed to call me back

gonna see a solicitor tomorrow

i just want to go but i feel i owe my h an explanation so i cant leave til weds i dont think its fair to bring him back from london so will be brave and tough it out

OP posts:
Eve34 · 11/02/2008 21:15

That is good of you to take the time to sit with him and talk it through - stay strong and things will soon turn themselves around.

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 11/02/2008 21:45

ty eve

i feel terrible he keeps sending me messages and i hate lying to him but i cant tell him while he's away its not fair but i feel evil

OP posts:
Eve34 · 11/02/2008 22:13

Don't you are doing the right thing not to upset him whilst he is away. Teh day I left my DP I remember him phoning and asking me what was for tea, I was sick to the pit of my stomache but smiled and waited for him to come home, with all my things packed I was off and didn't look back. It was really hARD BUT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO - KEEP IN TOUCH X opps cap lock... x

notjustmom · 11/02/2008 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 11/02/2008 22:28

ty notjustmom i had a non sexual affair in october and we did lots of crying and talking and stuff then and i was roaste don here for it

i have tried but i know things are never gonna change we are too different and i dont want to make his life any more miserable than it is all ready

bt i appreciate what your saying ty

OP posts:
notjustmom · 11/02/2008 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ontheedgeneedapush · 11/02/2008 23:11

ty not jst mom i didnt mean to come across ungrateful was what i was trying to say nice to hear other side of it bt i know its not gonna work i ve known for a long time and you cant make someone be someone there not can you

OP posts:
wineisthewaytomyheart · 11/02/2008 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mehdismummy · 11/02/2008 23:38

good luck babe. You made me cry notjust. Wish my dh was like yours

wineisthewaytomyheart · 11/02/2008 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.