Babies and relationships

[Lilarosa]

I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 10 month DS. I have struggled since becoming a mum with the 24/7 of it, relentlessness of it, loss of identity and missing my old life. My husband on the other hand has loved the adjustment to being a dad, adores every second and doesn't miss our old life.

Our relationship wasn't great before but now I'm just unhappy with everything. Obviously I love my DS but I think I'd be a lot happier and a better parent if I did 50/50 or some sort of split custody. I can't bear how my life is and we have lots of support and I get breaks but it isn't enough. I feel it would be better for my DS to have happier parents apart then unhappy together.

I don't know what the point of this was. Just needed to get it out.

Hello. Yes the loss of identity is tough. It did get better for me eventually. Probably around a year, when DS began to sleep better too.

Do you want to break up with DP, or is it that you'd like to spend more time away from home? At work perhaps while DP looks after the baby? ...Would he be open to that?

How does you little one sleep? Don't disregard how badly sleep deprivation can impact your mood and the way you view things. I felt like someone had stolen my soul - I'm sure lack of sleep messed with my brain chemistry.

I'm lucky in that apart from teething or illness, DS generally sleeps 7-7 with no wake ups. My sleep hasn't been great but nothing to do with him.

I'm not sure what I want apart from to not be a mum every day. But I know in an evening, I don't like spending time with my husband and prefer to be alone. I go back to work in a few weeks which might help too.

Don’t rush into anything op. Having a baby is a huge adjustment and even in the happiest of relationships most women feel lost to the relentlessness of motherhood. I also think in some ways if you’ve been with your dp a long time before kids the adjustment is even harder - you’re used to your relationship being a certain way and suddenly a baby throws everything out of whack. Is dc in any childcare atm? I think going back to work will really help you. Do you manage to get out in the evenings/see friends and family/have enough time for yourself etc? I’d re evaluate in another 3 months or so.

Genuine question: what "identity" did you have before? Is this something that women say? We're you defined by your hobbies or a job?