3 things your have learnt from…..

[Grenola]

Online dating…….

im new to it, but already feel like it’s a steep learning curve… not just by how to do it technically or how to protect yourself but also just about myself as a person and where I am in life as a single parent age 40!

im interested in widening my learning and hearing from others…..

I just totally clicked with someone, chat was great funny, deep, all about mutual interested ect… based on photo I fancied him lots. BUT in person, it was just so far from that. It has thrown me a little!!!

x

One. Meet as soon as possible, definitely within two weeks and ideally much less. Don’t invest weeks chatting and “getting to know” somebody via messages because whilst you think you’re “getting to know them”, the reality is that you absolutely aren’t, you’re getting to know what they choose to type. Thinking you’re having deep, meaningful chats when you’re having them with a total stranger who could be saying anything is a waste of time.

Two. Don’t build a first date up in your head. I liked dating. I OLD-Ed for about two years and just viewed a date, regardless of the outcome, as an opportunity to meet somebody new and visit a new bar. What’s not to like? I went on a lot of dates which didn’t become relationships; but some did become friendships and I never once had a bad date or met a bad man.

Three. Focus as much time as you do on trying to date as you do developing both old and new friendships and social activities or hobbies that you’ve always wanted to try. It doesn’t all have to be about a search for the next man to settle down with, and the best way to attract a good potential partner is to be a good potential partner yourself.

Yes very much a learning curve, I find I can can only do OLD in short bursts because I get frustrated. Same as you, you find someone you click with but don't fancy upon meeting them.
Another thing I've learnt is when you do fancy them be careful about any red flags and don't settle for them and ignore them, or you'll end up giving up while you heal from that.

One piece of advice I read on here last year was:

Instead of worrying if they'll like you, ask yourself if you like them?

That was a game changer for me! Because we get so hung up on whether they like you and putting on a good show, but we rarely focus on if we actually like them?

Thanks, all great advice and useful points

im def open to preparing myself for how to approach it all to make sure it’s heskthy x

I think you just learn as you go along and learn which questions to ask based on your needs. I've learnt that men who go on about their exes/slag them off early in the chat are not worth pursuing.

Absolutely agree with @ComtesseDeSpair, meet within a week (or earlier) of matching. I had a similar experience as you OP very early with online dating. Spent about 2 weeks texting someone, built a picture of them in my mind and when we met he was totally not that person and I felt pretty disappointed.
Don't over invest.
See the first date as a chance to meet someone new for a short chat, nothing more than that.
Good luck and enjoy it

Do NOT get emotionally invested in someone you've only spoken to online. Makes about as much sense as falling in love with a character in a book.

Meet as soon as possible.

Make it clear very early on what you're looking for. It won't necessarily avoid chancy fuckboys. But you'll weed a lot out

To not invest emotions or energy really until you meet them (and really ideally shag them )
never fall for an online persona EVER

that there is NO shortage of horny men

that ghosting is an answer and that expecting completion or understanding of why is fruitless

keep the first date short

That basic manners are optional. There’s something about OLD that makes some people go a bit weird and lose all their basic respect towards another human. Like fine you’re worried someone is over invested, just tell them honestly you’re not interested.

Related, OLD gives some people, especially men, the impression there are limitless options out there, which can make it harder to find someone willing to commit and put their eggs in one basket and mean people are less likely to be considerate.

That people can be whoever they want, there are no mutual friends or family or colleagues to control what they are saying and what they are presenting. At the extreme end are married people and lonely heart fraudsters.

FDS - either reddit or spotify podcasts is your friend OP!

Some really good advice on here op. Another one is if they haven't replied at all for 2 days, then delete them. No one is "that busy" they can't send a quick reply.

Same with if they suddenly pop up from not hearing from them for a week. I was told by a guy that when they do this it's because they've been on a date with someone else and it hasn't worked out so they message you as an option they had on hold. Nothing wrong with speaking to more than one person per se, its the keeping you on hold by ignoring you then popping up out the blue after their failed date is a no no!

Read the rules at the top of the Dating thread on here...really good advice.
Also, when they show you who they are believe them the first time.

It's just a way of meeting people. Once you meet them, it doesn't matter if you met online or not. Don't meet anyone who doesn't wow you from the off, and at every turn. And the 'wow's have to be regarding who they are rather than grand gestures.