Being the least sought after friend

[Whatisinyourmouth]

I’m a bit embarrassed to post this because it sounds so needy and pathetic! But has anyone else had similar experiences? I’ve always had friends but somehow within various groups I always end up being the one who is least favourite. I do think I am genuinely liked but like in secondary school if there’s a group of four and the teacher says ‘get into groups of three!’ Somehow you’re always the spare …

I have a group of mum friends and if I have a day out with them and the children and they put pictures on social media it’s always as if I was never there! I sometimes find out they’ve met up without me as well. I try not to be too sensitive about it but it is hard.

I genuinely don’t really know why, I don’t think I am a difficult or obnoxious person … Just wondering if anyone can relate?

Just a hunch but your opening line might give your clues…

I’m a bit embarrassed to post this because it sounds so needy and pathetic!

if you’re judgemental of your own needs it’s likely you’re judgemental of others’ needs without even realising it or intending it.

It might be because your own needs were judged in childhood - that’s where the embarrassment might come from too.

Have a google of emotional needs.

Sorry - not sure what you mean by that? Do you mean I’m judgemental towards my friends? I really don’t think I am.

I just take things as they come, stuff like this bothered me when I was younger but at the grand old age of almost 40 it barely crosses my mind!
You also need to remember people have busy lives, I can hardly fit time in for the friends I have and I assume they are the same so sometimes it might be a case of a couple of them with some free time meeting up when I couldn't make it for example.
I have also found (weirdly) that the less it bothers me the more 'popular' (hate that word but you know what I mean) I have become. Not sure about the psychology behind it but I think people prefer a take it or leave it attitude, perhaps they sense I am not going to be too needy with regards to their time or energy?
Don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy the things you do together maybe.

No, I know what you mean - I think I probably have been too needy when I was younger, and it probably isn’t personal. But it does niggle, especially as I don’t want my child to miss out.

I feel the same OP. Always the spare. I’m in my 40s and hope I’ve grown out of it then BAM something will happen to remind me I’m not in the gang.

I was invited to a friends wedding, I was flattered and really looking forward to it. I’ve now seen preparations for the wedding that I haven’t been invited to. There was a hen do abroad and some nights out more locally. So I’m consumed with anxiety about it now. I only know one other wedding guest who has been involved in the social build up. I’m left to assume I’m uninvited. And if I’m not uninvited I don’t want to bloody go!!

I have no real advice. I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and I understand your feelings.

I remember that all too well, the FOMO on my children's behalf!
The thing is, they grow relatively quickly, and with any luck get their own friends and little social lives going - especially if they do extra curriculars (hence the reason I have so little time for my friends, I'm busy ferrying the kids around here, there and everywhere!!).
Honestly, the only advice I can give you is to stop caring so much (which is ridiculous, because it's not like you can switch it off!) but it was the best thing for me.

I had one main friend at parenting groups I went too but she had other friends that she did things with I thought that was perfectly normal

I really didn't feel like I was back at school with bff's, I taught my child this where some kids play with other kids sometimes it is not a reflection individuals

What nonsense. You can't possibly come to this conclusion from one single sentence. Stop trying to be a psychiatrist

@MissMaple82 It’s not nonsense at all. How we speak to ourselves is really important for our own mental well-being and how we relate to others. Of course I can’t come to a conclusion from one sentence, but language is very revealing. Note I said ‘hunch’ - it’s for the OP to decide whether that resonates with them and take or leave it. Note you said, ‘what utter nonsense’ - a judgemental and dismissive statement that doesn’t leave any room for the OP to decide for herself. Maybe it hit a nerve for you.

@WandaWonder yes and no. I mean, I do think that it is possible to be ridiculously over sensitive and want to be involved in anything, but equally, sometimes omitting one person or a couple of people can sting a bit. There is a huge difference between meeting a friend at a baby group and she goes to meet her school friends for coffee - wouldn’t expect to be invited, meeting a friend at a baby group and she goes off for coffee with another friend from the baby group! In any case, offended isn’t what I’m feeling here. Unsure of myself and a bit sad might be more accurate.

It’s a hard one, people like who they like and I do understand you sometimes just click with a person. But I genuinely don’t believe I am disliked so much as last choice - the friend equivalent of a cheese sandwich or something!

I’ve just posted on another thread about an experience in a group of 3. friends should make you feel better about yourself, not worse. Look for people who want to see you and don’t make you feel second best.

You sound lovely. It’s hard but I’m part of a group and it’s natural to go off into splinter groups sometimes . Maybe you haven’t met the right group of friends yet or found someone who you have a stronger connection with xx

Do you ever take the lead in planning activities? Do you ever present as a leader of certain events or you always in the mode of waiting to be included? Sometimes it is your own personality that places you in that always waiting spot.

I am also this person in my friendship groups. I can make friends easily in social situations, at work etc, I was popular at school, have never been short of friends. But I have never been the ‘main’ one and always feel like second best.

There was a thread on here a while back called something like “Does anyone else feel like a B-list friend?” and it really resonated with me. A recent example is that my friend asked in our group chat if anyone wanted to go to a concert & I replied yes. No one else wanted to go, so we ended up not going. I think she was hoping an A-list friend would want to go 😂😂

I am never the one people confide in. I am never first choice for anything.

It used to bother me more in the past but I honestly don’t care as much these days. I am fairly self aware so I know some of it is my own doing. I can be quite private & don’t really share my emotions. My friends seem to have similar family/children/husband/work issues that helps them bond, but I can’t contribute in the same way as I just kind of float through life fairly content and happy.

If you go to a party and feel a bit out of place, like not knowing anyone and not sure what to say, the truth is there are plenty of others feeling the same. I'm also not on anyone's priority invitation list and I don't care.

My children and immediate family need me more than anyone else so it is good that I'm not counted on by others so I don't feel the pressure to be there for so many people. It only gives you more headache.

Some people are naturally popular / likeable / a joy to be around and you'd think if that person goes then others will. So they get invited often. One of my children has this nature. It's then difficult to navigate the social scene.

Be your own best friend and your family's fun planner. You always comes first on their list.

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I'm the mum at school who's always late, rushing off, always working etc. I'm friendly with some of the mums but we don't socialise or anything like that, and my daughter goes to loads of sleepovers and parties. Being in with the mum friends is only important up to a point. By age 7/8 they've found their friends and they practically make the plans to meet up themselves! So don't worry too much about kids missing out.

I have had a similar experience in a group when I was in my early twenties. I’d always be the last one to be invited/to know things. I also never got invited to a lot of fun things and I’d find out on social media.

looking back, I was absolutely the neediest person ever. Was insecure, had terrible anxiety too.

Once I left the group, I truly became who I was and gained confidence and found my own people.

Maybe there is some inner work within yourself you need to focus on OP. You sound like a lovely person. Don’t be so hard on yourself x

OP I often feel like this. As if I have to work extra hard to be included. It sucks. I have no real advice. But I do like spending 1-2-1 time with friends, without a group dynamic. In my case it stems from being bullied at school, I don't think I've ever got over the friends who were so bitchy. I think I am hypervigilant in group situation. I guess my advice would be to try to build on individual friendships and let the group dynamics matter less as a consequence.