DP is paying for sex services....

[Stardustunicorn]

....And I need to bring this up and end the relationship.

DP has been going for deep tissue massages for a few years. He works a very physical job and it has never been an issue.

This year has been very busy and he was unable to get an appointment at his usual place. So having searched on gumtree (apparently) found a place in a nearby town which offered massages until later in the evening. So off he went, and came back laughing about the fact that the masseuse offered him extras which he didn't take her up on.

Since then he has gone for 4 more massages. On one occasion he made a big point of going to his old place as he didn't want to show me a lack of respect by going back to this other place. But then 2 of those times he has gone to the place which offered him extras and I know he has taken them up on this as when he has got back he has been really sheepish and quiet and has not mentioned the "massage" at all. Usually he comes back and talks about how much better he feels, pain has gone in his back or shoulder etc.

Last week he was catching up on doing some running around to different places. In the afternoon he called to say he was done and was going for a massage as has a lot of work on in the next couple of weeks. I was busy, just said OK see you when I see you, and just presumed he was going to his usual place.

Something seemed off after he was home so I checked his Google maps timeline and he had been back to this other place. And judging by the way he behaved afterwards had paid, yet again, for an extra.

Full disclosure, we haven't had sex for over a year and we used to quite often. But I had some medical issues and was menopausal and had a full hysterectomy middle of last year. I understand he has desire but he has hands and also, refused to discuss this with me in a way that would lead to us being intimate again.

I don't want to be with someone who thinks this is an appropriate way to manage the situation we are in. Am I wrong? I don't think so.

However how do I bring this up? His timeline is available on his pc which I use regularly to access his work emails as I do his invoicing for him. Is this still snooping and wrong?

And if not, please help me start this conversation. It is the final straw in years of feeling as if I don't matter unless I behave in a way that makes him happy. We both have kids, but not together (they are all young adults).

I am a regular MN user but have NC'd so as not to be outing.

Thank you for any advice!

It sounds like you're not happy in the relationship even without this stuff. You don't need a giant reason to end a relationship.

You also don't know for certain about the extras. Not that you need to know of course, for you to be fed up and want out.

Just tell him that you know he's going to the sex massage place and you don't like it. And that you are leaving.

It is the final straw in years of feeling as if I don't matter unless I behave in a way that makes him happy

Grim.

Op. He's not meeting your needs, you're not happy. We only have one short life. Just tell him you'd like to separate. Think about how you want to proceed - who will move out? Etc.

You don't even have to tell him you know about the massages. Sounds like the rest of the relationship is enough to make you leave without that.

Good luck 💐

He obviously doesn't realise about the google timeline thing.

Could you ask him directly about why he has gone back to the place that offers extras, without mentioning that you've seen his google timeline?

What other ways do you feel you have to behave to make him happy?

I think that your terrible crime of snooping is far outweighed by him paying for happy endings.

Just tell him "I looked at your google timeline when I used your computer" and that you're through. It doesn't matter if he tells you how awful you are for looking at it.

I would ask to see a receipt/bank statement at how much he pays at this new place, and see how much he's paying compared to how much the website states it costs for a normal massage. If he's paying more, he's getting extras. Vile!

And don't forget, you don't need to have definitive proof or for him to admit it - you aren't happy and you don't feel you matter in the relationship - this is just the tipping point to break the inertia.

When you do his invoicing ask him how much to bill the Masseuse for the Happy Ending, and does it include VAT?

You can split for any reason you don't need proof or for his to confess.

If you want to talk to him about it you simply say I suspect you have been taking them up on the extras and that's a deal breaker for me.

But you need to decide what you want next. If he apologises and says he won't go again would that be enough?

Also note he may refuse to admit it. What do you do then?

Hi all, thank you for the replies.

He uses cash for this massage, card for the usual one. I don't know how much cash he takes with him, he draws a wage from his business into an account I don't have access to (which is his, he doesn't have access to mine, that's not the issue). So no way of knowing that way!

And yeah, I don't know why I'm worried about "snooping" when he has been paying for extras, that is a deal breaker for me. Trouble is I am really hopeless at confrontation and he knows it. If he feels that I am upset with him he is extra nice. I think he displays some narcissistic behaviour (I know, for instance, that the "extras" will be my fault for not providing, and he "told" me that's what they offer and I didn't say don't go there again. I mean, in a healthy relationship I wouldn't have needed to!) but that's not the issue really. I know how he tries to turn things around and will be ready for it.

I think you need to calmly sit down, tell him you're not happy any more and that you are leaving. And that his massages and happy endings have been the straw that have broken the camels back due to his complete lack of respect for you.

Don't enter negotiation or let him turn it round on you because then he'll just twist you round in knots. Can you have somewhere to go or ask him to leave? You may need to be able to physically get away if he's going to argue the point or insist that you hear him.

I’m a runner and I’ve been having deep tissue massages for the last three decades. I have been to a number of different places. They are always clinical, model of a skeleton in the room along with dumbbells and similar equipment. I’ve never been offered any ‘extras’ and it’s clear the staff are qualified physiotherapists, dressed in white, certificates on the wall etc.

He’s obviously sought this other place out OP and not by thumbing through the sports massage section of the Yellow Pages. He has more or less told you what he’s been up to.

Do you know the previous place is legitimate?

Can you see your future with a man who uses sex workers?

I’d be tempted to say that you’ve pulled a muscle and can he book you an appointment with this second ‘clinic’ and enjoy his reaction. Then dump him.

This is the last thing that you need given all you’ve been through with your health this last year. Stay strong OP.

Just "broken record" him.

You say "I saw your timeline when I used your computer and saw you're going to that massage parlour - I'm not happy in this relationship, you seeing prostitutes is the last straw for me, so this relationship is over and I'll be filing for divorce"
He starts off "it's your fault cos you're not giving me any, you didn't tell me not to go, you're a bad wife blah blah"
You go "I understand what you're saying, but I'm not happy in this relationship, you seeing prostitutes is the last straw for me, so this relationship is over and I'll be filing for divorce"
etc etc

Don't engage in any defence of your actions or any of the stuff he throws at you, just "I'm not happy, this is over". You don't need to win any arguments or prove you're right, splitting up isn't a discussion, it's an announcement.

If the stopping of sex was due to your medical issues, why did you not bring up the topic of variations and variety? It seems a bit as though you are blaming him for not taking the lead in resolving an issue that was resultant from your health related issues.

If the 2 of you canned speak openly about sexual matters then obviously you have not had an honest and open relationship. If you expected him to remain celibate for over a year and a half, you should have had that discussion.

Perhaps he has used his hands, but now realizes that he would like to enjoy someone else's hands as well. Did you make your hands available?

I am not justifying his behavior,but other than being offended by what you" think "that he may be doing, it seems that the issue that you want to address is your suspicion of his solution rather than the underlying problem.

If after all these years ,you need help in broaching the subject of your own sex life then your communications issues are far more significant than the issue of whose hands are pleasuring him particularly since it seems as though your hands have not necessarily been available.

If this is a deal breaker for you, simply tell him so and move on; you do not have to live with any behavior that makes you uncomfortable . if you are physically unavailable to him or too hesitant to even discuss the subject then it sounds as though mature adult conversation in your relationship does not extend to all topics.

Maybe it would be helpful to seek relationship counseling where you 2 would have help in facilitating this discussion.

@Mari9999 OP has been ill and if she hasn't felt like any sort of sexual interaction at all then that's ok and she hasn't done anything inadequately.

Speaking for myself if I'm not in the mood for sex then even giving someone a hand job is disgusting and annoying.

OP doesn't have to bring up the subject of what sexual stuff is compulsory for her to do, when she's not in the mood at all.

She's been ill, it's just one of those things. At some point everyone will become ill and not feel able to have any sort of sex at all. It comes to us all. Even OP's husband will have it happen at some point. It would've probably been temporary but now he (hopefully) will never know

And she said in the OP that it was her husband that refused to discuss it in an adequate way.

It's not just a matter of 'which hand is wanking him off'- he's been using prostitutes. It's not only cheating but also extra disgusting.

You don't need to give him any proof. At the same time, you can also tell him you snooped as that is nothing compared to him paying for "extras".

Just tell him you're leaving and you don't deserve this.

For me, I would have left as soon as he returned to the place that offers extras. If my partner went to a new massage place that offered him extras, I would expect him to be horrified and never return there again. I would not expect him to laugh about it and then return several times.

He has completely disrespected you. Leave him.

I think it’s sort of irrelevant - not to your feelings but to the conversation - because you aren’t happy and haven’t been for a long time.

This weekend, think about all the practical stuff - money and house. Put any plans in place, and then tell him - aim for in 2 weeks?

I would just say that it’s time for you both to move onto the next stage of your lives and you want to do that separately. You wish him well etc.

I think you're just insecure... where is the proof?

Can you channel Emma Thompson's character from Love Actually...

"What would you do, DP, if you knew your other half was paying for sex, and lying about it, over and over again? Would you walk away, dignity intact, safe in the knowledge you don't want to be with someone who would treat you so shoddily, or would you tell everyone you know and then walk away?"

Seriously, though, it's crazy that your partner is cheating you and lying to you, and you're too polite to say something about it.

This is one of THE most sensible pieces of advice I have ever read on MN. THANK YOU.

Any normal bloke wouldn't go back to a place that offered happy endings.

You don't need to be disrespected in this way. I would LTB.

I totally agree that a simple " I am not happy, this is over" is the cleanest and most appropriate way for the OP to end the relationship. No need for anyone to attack or defend behaviors. It allows both parties to feel that they have behaved in a defensible manner ( which they probably both do think , and they can move forward without acrimony.

Op. He's not meeting your needs, you're not happy. We only have one short life. Just tell him you'd like to separate. Think about how you want to proceed - who will move out? Etc.

Ouch, that's a bit clinical! Is that how you define a relationship - a partner is someone to 'meet your needs' and if they fall short in any way, kick them into touch? I've never had a partner that's met my needs, because I don't have any needs from them. Anything they do/give is because they want to, not because I want them to.

And if 'needs' are a requirement, then the OP certainly isn't fulfilling her partner's needs, judging by the lack of sex between them. But he hasn't binned her off for that.

Anyway, OP doesn't have proof that he paid for extras, just a hunch based on his behaviour. He could just have been sheepish simply because he went back to 'that place' for another massage? Sadly, I don't think it's something you'll ever find out definitely, unless dp confesses. You might be able to eek it out of him if he thinks you wouldn't be particularly bothered, but as soon as you should any disapproval he'll not volunteer that he has.

Have you told him that you don't like the idea of him going to such a seedy place, getting massages from sex workers (even sans the extras)? Sorry if I've missed that, but can't see that you've actually said that to him?

Sounds like there are other issues in the relationship that need to be discussed if there's any hope of keeping it alive.

And if 'needs' are a requirement, then the OP certainly isn't fulfilling her partner's needs, judging by the lack of sex between them. But he hasn't binned her off for that.

No, he's just probably cheated with prostitutes.

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For myself I would have to bring it up when I dumped him. Why should he not be confronted for what he's done?

@Stardustunicorn Maybe someone said up thread but could you find out how much cash he's taking out before these sessions, then find out if it's the same as their advertised charge for a massage (you could phone up to ask if you need to) or if he's taking out more each time, presumably for an 'extra?'