Is my husband having an emotional affair?

[Nikki0987]

I have noticed my husband on his phone a lot more and being more secretive with it (he won't let it out of his sight and takes it to the bathroom with him). I saw him messaging a woman I don't know and confronted him. He brushed it off as a platonic work friendship, and when I asked to see the messages, as it was platonic, he said categorically NO and he was angry that I didn't trust him. I got a glimpse of some messages and he's texting her last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Is this crossing an emotional affair boundary? Am I being unreasonable to keep asking to see these messages? As I'm worried my mistrust is justified.

Thing is, it seems your correct but the more you insist the more he could be secretive, what about waiting till the dust settles so to speak

Not unreasonable at all, your mistrust is entirely justified. My H was doing very similar and it wasn’t just an emotional affair. His anger at you is classic deflection.

It's probably more than an emotional affair OP. Being defensive is such a red flag.

Any other behaviours?

Why just an emotional affair?

Why do you think they arent having sex?

You’re not unreasonable to ask him about it if his secrecy with his phone is a recent thing. He’s clearly scared of you looking at the messages, or one flashing up when he in the bathroom. As PP said what makes you think he hasn’t crossed the boundary further into a full on affair not just emotional. I’d confront him.

Texting another woman first thing and last thing ?! No way I wouldn't be happy about that , I would turn detective try and find out what's going on

Only on mumsnet is the refusal to cave into an invasion of basic privacy a 'red flag'.

Any partner of mine demanding to see my phone wouldn't touch the ground before the door hit them on the arse. It's ridiculous.

From experience, when they get angry it's a sign they're hiding something. So sorry.

You should have watched and waited. He will be more careful now about his affair.

Yes he will hide his behaviour more now.

Sound's like a wrong un.

Nikki, this is an emotional affair at the very least. I would assume more. Your H’s phone behavior has changed. He’s become secretive and his usage has ramped up. His messaging OW first thing/last thing is an intimate gesture done by couples. She is his priority.

His blocked transparency and defensive response to your valid concerns are very telling. He clearly has much to hide and feels entitled to a double life, hence attempting to manipulate you with anger and blame-shifting to STFU and back off.

I’d inform him that you’re not prepared to be made a fool of — that he can pursue this OW all he wants, but not while he’s married to you. You don’t have to hollow out yourself by tolerating his faithless behavior and contempt. I suggest that you meet with a solicitor to learn your options.

@Nikki0987 I’m so sorry but I agree with the vast majority of posters above. My husband had never been secretive with his phone until he started an affair, and then it never left his side, went to the bathroom with it and he was always on it.

Your reaction to ask to see the phone is absolutely normal in those circumstances, you will be starting to deal with hypervigilance as your feeling of safety is being compromised, so don’t be gaslit by posters telling you you’re in the wrong.

I’m afraid I’d also suspect more. He is playing by the cheater handbook. Becoming angry is a nasty tactic they use to gaslight you and make out you’re in the wrong.

Surviving Infidelity is a great website which maybe worth taking a look at. The advice there is really good. I’d also start to check out my legal options.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. It's not an invasion of privacy to ask to see something that is causing you distress, following a clear change in his behaviour.

Taking the phone into the bathroom. Texting first thing in the morning and last thing at night. An aggressive response when you ask him about it. Refusing to show you the messages. These are very typical actions of someone doing something in secret they feel they shouldn't be doing. Usually cheating.

Tell him this worry is making you feel unwell then watch how he responds.

Whether they have physically touched is neither here nor there.
He is inappropriately messaging another person. For me that is cheating and my marriage would be over.

How are you getting on OP?

How are things now nikki0987

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't believe in emotional affairs. Either the person is physically cheating, or discussing cheating (affair) or they are not. I find the term emotional affair basically akin to blacklisting any close friendship with someone of the other sex.

I'd also say that it would be over my dead body that I'd hand my phone over to anyone to check my messages, if I CHOOSE to share something, that's fine, if I'm being asked to give up privacy to make someone else feel better, that's not.

There are plenty of things on my phone I wouldn't want anyone else seeing. For example my friends discussing private issues, my friend's privacy in the things we've been discussing, is worth more than your anxiety over what that discussion could be about, some of the conversations I have with friends are highly personal for them, about SA, or DV and if they have not explicitly consented to someone else knowing, then it's not going to happen.

There is also the other possibility that they are discussing you, they are discussing your behaviour and he's asking for advice. Not unreasonable to have a private discussion with a friend of whichever gender about a relationship you''re struggling with but that's just my opinion.

The best thing could be to be honest. "I'm feeling really anxious about my relationship with you, and am upset that you appear to be having long conversations with another woman and talking to her more than you're talking to me. Can we just discuss where we are, if we're in a good place, or if you're unhappy?"

If your other half is cheating, give them a calm opportunity to admit it, without flying off the handle before you even know if they are or not. If they're cheating it's up to you what you want to do about it, but a calm conversation is much more likely to get to the truth than getting angry and accusations.

I do hope that you find a way forward though.

I don't think men really 'do' emotional affairs .. much more likely he is either already shagging someone or working towards shagging them.

Did you ever get any further finding out what was going on? (just realised it's a thread from March)

You told him you were worried about something.

He could of removed that worry straight away by showing you nothing was going on in those messages.
He chose not to.
He chose to instead get angry at you
He is also choosing to leave you worrying about it.

It does not look good. Most men whose wifes raised something they were concerned over would talk about it like a normal human being and do what they can to remove that worry.
Him doing the opposite and making it your 'issue' unfortunately highly likely means there is something going on he does not want you to know about. Why else would he intentionally leave his wife worrying about something, creating even more mistrust and stress when he could clear the whole 'misunderstanding' up straight away!

Your worry Is 100% justified and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't want to alarm you, but these are telltale signs of a bigger issue. When they come at you with the 'Oh but you should trust me', just know that they are placating you with the biggest cover up known to relationships. He simply should have shown you his phone - that would haver removed all suspicion. Texting first thing and last thing is certainly suggesting she's on his mind. Do you know the woman personally? Can you ask again to see the phone? My husband would do whatever he could to prove to me he was innocent... Yours and anyones should be doing the same. Has he been absent for unexplained reasons from the house? Keep an eye out for more unusual behaviours.

This happened to me many years ago. I did some digging and managed to get into his phone bill online and saw that a thousand texts had been sent to the same number in one month. He claimed they were just "friends" his phone was always face down . I confronted him and he said he would stop with the communication. Except he worked with her, and it didn't stop. I asked if he had cut ties and he said no. We had words and I told him to leave. He did, and as you can guess went to hers. Ended up marrying her even though he claimed he never wanted to get married, ever. Later he divorced her. I didn't feel the slightest bit sorry for her or him when I heard. She got her just desserts and so did he. Karma. Eventually after all the hurt and betrayal you realise you are so much better than that. It's hard but you do come out stronger. Put yourself first, you deserve so much more than this.