Is it normal for my libido to vanish after my bfs?

[Becky12123]

My bf has low libido and erectile dysfunction. For a few months I tried the usual, sexy underwear, suspenders etc. it didn’t work. It sort of got me down but now I don’t really mind and I’m also not feeling in the mood/remotely bothered re sex. Quite happy to go to bed just to sleep! I don’t really understand this, does it mean the repeated rejections has just put me off sex now and I don’t mind?!

I’m in a similar boat. Occasionally it bothers me, but a lot of the time it doesn’t! How old are you both? I’m thinking my issues may be peri-menopausal rather than a direct result of my partner’s situation.

I would really recommend the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. Lots of women have, IIRC, responsive desire. This means a key to getting turned on is feeling desired or seeing a partner’s arousal/lust.

Does that track with your prior experience before the ED?

Interesting. I’d say that rings true for me.

This is really interesting, thank you for sharing!
Definitely feels like something I can identify with so I'll be purchasing the book to learn more.

@SheilaFentiman i think that’s exactly it. There’s only so many times you can turned down /see it’s just not going to happen before you just go off the idea completely.

Well you probably need to feel desired to feel sexy , not unreasonable really . I'm in same position and I think it's just a phase and medical issues. Keep close in other ways and take care of yourself if you do feel horny

I've never read that book but I agree with the responsive desire. If I know a guy desires me, it instantly turns me on.

OP, is your bf willing to go to the doctor's or seek some help for ED? Sex isn't the be-all end-all for a relationship, however if it's something that is important to you then you need to resolve it. If you're happy to just go to bed at night then that's fine. But if you're not then this relationship won't last.

Hello all I thought I would update on this post.

I ended up marrying him and 3 months in discovered a bag of dildos, lube, cockcage, butt plugs and women’s lingerie and wigs. Hotel cards too and receipts. Turns out the lingerie is for him. I think we can all guess what has been happening.

so ladies don’t assume they really are just tired.

Sadly this is becoming much more common it seems. You might find support and helpful resources here https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

@Jamazon1 thank you. Really disturbing discovery tbh. He still denies it says he just takes drugs and gets high and buys these things and goes to hotels to watch porn and masturbate. I’ve discovered only 2 years ago he was on Grindr and before that a dogging website describing himself as bi and seeking bi couples and groups . Transsexual prostitutes numbers are on his phone and he claims to have no idea how they got there. He maintains he has a drug issue that drives this behaviour

I'm so sorry op, how awful for you!

please get an STD check!

I’m really sorry to hear that and I hope you take comfort in the fact there was no issue with you and a major one with him! So bloody deceptive ..: hope the divorce is underway! How awful! I hope you heal, move on and find someone deserving of you!

@Secondstart1001 @justanothermanicmonday1 thanks for your messages. I have an std test kit and terrified to use it. Forgot to mention he was also buying prosthetic breasts , hip enchancers, makeup, thigh high boots . He was looking up trans sex parties that operate during the day and ‘sissy’ stuff which I’ve never heard of before. I saw from his Uber receipts he was even getting taxies at 5am when I was sleeping to hotels. Cash withdrawals daily for over 200 quid he says all for drugs. I discovered this on my 40th birthday and I thought we were going to have a family together. It’s going to have to be a sperm donor now.

he still can’t be honest and says he’s not gay or bi , he hasn’t slept with prostitutes, he just goes to these hotels alone and watches porn. Don’t believe a word he says.

And yes I’m filing for divorce. He’s deluded and thinks ‘we’ can work through this and says he loves me etc

From what you’ve said in your updates it seems he’s exhibiting classic Autogynaephile traits. He will want to stay with you, it gives him cover, increases the thrill (the deception, your humiliation), and allows him to use you as a model and/or gain access to your personal belongings. I mean ALL your personal belongings and I won’t go into prurient details here.
It is in the interests of your sanity and your recovery from this that you separate as swiftly as possible, don’t share space or bank accounts, and be prepared to get rid of any lingerie etc.

@Jamazon1 thank you so much for this. You are right. I’ve been reading up about it all and just shocked . Never knew anything about this before. My life feels turned upside down like I’m in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Do you mind me asking have you had personal experience of this sort of thing too ?

So shocked to read your update, OP. Yeah, classic autogynephilia (AGP). Possibly sparked by watching sissy porn. Good news that your instincts are to divorce - narcissism is a core feature of this paraphilia, and since society has decided that men like your husband are the most stunning and brave people on the planet, living with him would be an absolute nightmare.

I’m so sorry to have been the bearer of this news but what you’ve been saying in your posts does seem to fit a pattern. Thankfully I’ve not experienced this first hand, but because I am involved in a number of women’s groups I hear about it a great deal. The group I mentioned (Trans Widows) have a very specific focus, and they’re an excellent source of information and support.

Having heard several of these women speak of their experiences, it’s clear that women whose husband/partner manifests this behaviour have a difficult time, often feeling a sense of grieving (hence the name) while navigating family upset simultaneously. What seems clear is that these men don’t change, and they pursue their predictions wholeheartedly so if you have the chance to protect yourself from a situation that will likely get much worse, I hope you’ll take it.
i hope you have supportive friends and family to help you through this.