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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about first love?

17 replies

TreborShmint · 03/03/2023 19:31

Hiya everybody,

I will try keep this short, I was with my first boyfriend/love from 15-19 (I know some people think this is too young to fall in love but now that I'm in my thirties and have been in several relationships I have no doubt it was love) and we had a generally very healthy, happy relationships. We broke up when we were 19+21, and it is the worst heartbreak I've ever felt, to this day.

I eventually moved on and had a child with someone else, who ultimately ended up being abusive so I left years ago and have been very happy since. My first boyfriend, who we'll call Harry, has had a few relationships since but never "settled down" with anyone.

About 5 years ago we randomly bumped into each other on a night out, exchanged numbers and went for a drink. Eventually we ended up hanging out whenever we were free and started 'dating' without actually being official. I was really happy about this because if I'm being honest with myself, I've never stopped loving him (but I don't know if that's a 'you always remember your first love' type of thing)

That carried on for 6 months until I noticed that Harry became a bit uncomfortable whenever I brought up my child in conversation. Baring in mind it wasn't constantly, I'm conscious of that anyway I don't want to be one of those people who only talk about their kids hahah, but my child is my absolute world and a huge part of my life, so they would naturally come up in conversation now and again. I'm quite strict about who I let into my child's life, and personally wouldn't introduce my child to a partner until the relationship is fully established and has lasted at least 9 months.

After I started noticing this, I got a bit freaked out, because I didn't want to be in a situation where I'm madly in love with him and it doesn't work out, and I have a child to consider this time around. So I ended things very abruptly, didn't give much of a reason and we haven't spoken since.

Fast forward to now - I decided to download a dating app and got a notification that Harry "liked" my profile.

My heart is saying talk to him, explain, see if he wants to meet for a coffee or something.

My head is telling me to leave it alone, and I can't move forward if I'm going back to the past.

HELP 😭

OP posts:

anotherone99 · 03/03/2023 19:45

I would take the plunge and have the conversation. He obviously means a lot to you and at the worst you would have proper closure on where you stand. Or more hopefully, talking it through may result in better understanding of the situation and a happy ever after outcome. Go girl!

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 19:55

It’s worth having the conversation given he meant so much to you. Fate has brought him back into your life. Be honest with him, see what he says. If you don’t you’ll always be telling the tale of the one who got away

FakeBilly · 03/03/2023 19:59

Sure, talk to him, but bear in mind this is someone you’ve now broken up with twice, once as an adult and of your own account. And if he seemed uncomfortable at mentions of your child, what’s going on there? Perhaps your instincts were correct and you were right to dump him, as he fundamentally doesn’t want to date a parent?

Original poster

TreborShmint · 03/03/2023 22:58

I think it's because it was only about a year after we broke up that I fell pregnant so it was probably still raw and painful for him, I know it would have been for me, and as much as I absolutely adore my child and wouldn't change having them for anything, I was never in love with the father, it wasn't really supposed to be a long term thing anyway (don't judge I was young and dumb)

I wouldn't even know how to start that conversation with Harry.... do I just say "hiya how are you?" Apparently I've heard from a few people that he's been drinking quite a lot lately which is really worrying me and I want to make sure he's okay if nothing else.

OP posts:

Doihavetowait · 03/03/2023 23:06

Just send him a message saying you’d like to meet up so you can explain a few things and apologise. Be totally honest with him about everything. Just lay it on the table . No more mind games and half truths.

WidthofaLine · 04/03/2023 04:40

How long ago was this first love, basically how old are you both ?

That would guide me as to how weird his response is to your son. For what it's worth I wouldn't go near someone who was uncomfortable at the mere mention of my offspring.

category12 · 04/03/2023 06:58

It's a non-starter if he doesn't like the fact you have a child or has some sort of grudge that you had a child shortly after your relationship ended.

It might be worth having a really frank conversation about it.

But if he does feel the way you suspect about your child, you need to just let him go.

tempusername1234 · 04/03/2023 07:12

As others have said, just talk to him and be open and honest. If he's still looking like a startled rabbit afterwards (or is too drunk to focus) then you know you can move on. Otherwise it's going to screw you up with all the "what ifs" and it might be screwing him up too. Just ending things with him with no real reason wasn't nice. I'd start with "look, I'm sorry how I ended things, but..."

LilLilLi · 04/03/2023 07:19

No I think you owe him more than a “Hi, how are you?”

Its time to be honest, you should apologise for dumping him out of the blue with little explanation. I think you need to be open with him about why you ended it and go from there.

Muddays · 04/03/2023 07:48

Run for the Austrian hills Maria von Trapp! Yes, the sound of music/love is very alive and appealing when connected to the past/youth. Move forward and don't look back would be my advice. I've known many people in your situation and not one ended well. The expectations and subsequent disappointments etc etc. He clearly has a problem with your history/child, so tread carefully here, there's a reason why you are asking strangers for advice and your guts are right. Leave the past as a happy memory because the present will get ugly and sad very quickly I'm afraid.

elodiesmith · 04/03/2023 07:52

I felt sad reading that last update OP. Just because I've known a few stories like this of having a baby with not 'the one you love' and I can imagine how it hurt the ex. And also sadness for you , because deep down it's almost like "we were supposed to have a baby together", but such is life....

Will you message him? I think you should x

elodiesmith · 04/03/2023 07:54

'It's a non-starter if he doesn't like the fact you have a child or has some sort of grudge that you had a child shortly after your relationship ended.'

I disagree. It's not that he doesn't like the fact that she has a child. It might be too painful for him.
I stayed friends with a similar ex and when we spoke on the phone he heard my baby, and the ex made excuses he had to go. I think it's just painful for him as we have talked about having a baby when we were together.

Maybe your ex just feels bittersweet. Happy for you but also sad that it is not you two having a baby.

category12 · 04/03/2023 07:57

elodiesmith · 04/03/2023 07:54

'It's a non-starter if he doesn't like the fact you have a child or has some sort of grudge that you had a child shortly after your relationship ended.'

Maybe your ex just feels bittersweet. Happy for you but also sad that it is not you two having a baby.

It's a non-starter because you can't and shouldn't take the risk of bringing a man who resents your child into their life. It's not about the adults, it's about what's best for the child.

GPTec1 · 04/03/2023 08:05

category12 · 04/03/2023 07:57

It's a non-starter because you can't and shouldn't take the risk of bringing a man who resents your child into their life. It's not about the adults, it's about what's best for the child.

Show quote history

She was 20/21? when OP had a child, now into 30s, so the child is well into their teens?

The OP doesn't know if he resents her child or not, as they never discussed it, she just dumped him out of the blue 5 years ago.

As far as i can tell, the OP is too hot n cold and if i was her ex, i'd run a mile BUT love has no reason!
So of course she should make contact with him again, life's too short to have regrets.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/03/2023 08:08

I think it's worth making contact and having a conversation, and being honest and open this time. Even if all it does is give closure, that's a good result.

category12 · 04/03/2023 08:11

GPTec1 · 04/03/2023 08:05

She was 20/21? when OP had a child, now into 30s, so the child is well into their teens?

The OP doesn't know if he resents her child or not, as they never discussed it, she just dumped him out of the blue 5 years ago.

As far as i can tell, the OP is too hot n cold and if i was her ex, i'd run a mile BUT love has no reason!
So of course she should make contact with him again, life's too short to have regrets.

Show quote history

Yes, I said they should talk about it in a previous post.

I'm not sure what ages are going on here, so I was thinking the child was younger. If they're now an adult then it's not an issue.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 08:47

OP just talk to him. Like a normal person. Be open. Tell him you keep coming back into each other's world and it would be good to figure this thing out. Tell him why you broke up with him. Ask him what his views are around your child. Just TALK. There are no solutions you are going to get here on MN. What are you possibly going to do if not talk? Just try to forget him? Well that isn't working. Why do people not just talk to each other openly and honestly?

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