Feeling anxious in new relationship...advice needed!

[greeneyedgirl]

I suppose there are 2 things here , but first and foremost, I have been seeing a nice guy for about a month or so, early days I know. But I am becoming increasingly anxious and I can't really put my finger on it. He is lovely and hasn't said or done anything to make me feel bad and nor would he, but instead of just enjoying it, I am constantly waiting for him to get fed up with me.

This is his first realtionship since his marriage ended and so I feel that once he gets used to dating again, he will just move on. Another thing is that we seem to be well matched physically if you see what I mean and so there is alot of sex (which is usual I know), but I don't want him to feel that, that is all I am about, as I am not, but I just get carried away sometimes. We have been using protection, but have left things quite late on some occasions and as a result I need to get a MAP tomorrow and even this worries me in case he thinks I am irresponsible (also if I was pg after the MAP that would deffo be game over).

Reading this back I sound like a complete fuit bat, I am not, just worried as my last relationship was awful. Any words of wisdom you can offer about how I can calm down?

Bump.

Hi greeneyedgirl, I'm so sorry your worries are stopping you from enjoying your new relationship. I've read some of your other posts and this seems to be a recurring problem - you have a very low opinion of yourself, so you think that everyone else must do too. Does that sound possible?

If it might be the case, I think you need to try and look at your situation from an outsider's point of view, rather than your own (biased against yourself) view.

For example, you think 'I've met this guy but I'm the first person he's dated since his marriage ended, so he's bound to move on to better things when he realises what I'm really like'. An outside observer might think 'Greeneyed girl tried internet dating and quickly met 2 guys who were both interested in her. She must be an attractive person with a lot going for her. She picked the right person, and they are having a lot of fun. He seems really nice and sensible and obviously thinks a lot of her, though it's still early days in the relationship'.

Try to think of the most usual ways you put yourself down - and then think of something positive that someone else might say about it. For example, I've always felt self-conscious about having small boobs; but I've realised that some men find them attractive and girlish (didn't believe them at first, but apparently it's true!) So now, whenever I have a downer about it, I remind myself about this other viewpoint. It really helps, and I'm sure you must have a store of compliments you have received that you can use. (doesn't have to be only about physical appearance though..)

I really hope that you can find the confidence to make the most of the relationship, it sounds like it could be really good fun!

Thank you, what a very nice post 43Today. I am aware that I have a very low self esteem and am nearly at the end of some counselling for it, which has helped to some extent.

What I seem to get is an overwhelming feeling of panic and sometimes I don't even know why, then alot of the time I am quite happy with who I am, it's very frustrating. I am feeling much calmer than I did yesterday when I wrote the post, but know you're right, I really need to see things from other's perspectives!

I think you should be careful your anxiety about this doesn't start to manifest itself as possessiveness and/or mistrust as that really will push him away in time. Once it starts its hard to stop and eats away at you constantly. The more you do it, the more convinced you'll be he'll leave which in turn will make you worse.

It may work out, it may not but everyone takes that chance with any relationship. Try to enjoy it for what it is now rather than looking ahead too much. Like you say, its early days.

Hi greeneyed I'm glad you're feeling better about things. I can't really help about the panicky feelings except to suggest that you do something else to distract you when they happen - in my experience some exercise, even just a brisk walk outside or dancing round the living room to loud music, really helps to chase away anxiety. I also quite like fitness DVDs, not necessarily for the fitness aspect, (though that helps too!) but because they're so damn complicated to follow - you have to concentrate so hard that your mind hasn't got room for the worries.

I have been in situations where my mind just won't stop worrying over a situation and I can't let it go, until I get quite exhausted. And it's all pointless, because it's worrying over things you can't control! I think where relationships are concerned you have to accept that you cannot control what he is going to do in the long run, only what you do and how you react to things. Once you can let go of the idea that everything you do is somehow affecting his idea of you negatively, you can relax and just enjoy yourself.

Anyway I hope this helps a bit and wish you luck. I've done the internet dating game and am on my second serious relationship, so it can work out!

Thanks 43, yes surprisingly I have had alot of experience with internet dating (met soon to be ex hubby and ex b/f, latest guy and many dates in between via the net), so I know it can work out.

I guess cos my previous relationship affected me so badly, I get jumpy about stuff. I really need to get my mind on other things so that I don't analyse everything I do, like you, I can really exhaust myself doing that. I have been trying to think rationally about the situation, and the having no control thing is an issue I guess.

Luckily ScruffyTeddy, I have never been a clingy or possessive partner (even if I am in my head sometimes lol), in fact I am the opposite, I am quite good at not crowding people as I feel I would hate it if done to me. I do wonder sometimes if I would be better off not dating, I would be bored and a bit lonely, but at least relatively calm and sane...pros and cons eh? Thanks ladies.

God hope I didn't sound too patronising, greeneyed! Just assumed you were new to internet dating and that might be making you more antsy. Sorry..

Maybe when you look back at what went wrong in the past, you could list the things that were different compared to your current situation. that might help to reassure you that what happened before doesn't necessarily have to happen again.

Do you feel that your feelings/actions caused problems in your previous relationships?

Re over-analysing things, perhaps you should just allocate a short period of time each day to think about whatever's bothering you - perhaps make notes - then force yourself to shut things out of your mind till the next day. When you go back to it the next day and re-read your notes, you might see that it's not worth spending more time on it. Things won't have changed since the day before so you've not got anything more to think about (iyswim..?)

I think often we get into the habit of revisiting a worry and letting ourselves get wound up. It's then difficult to realise it really is just a habit of thinking, which we allow ourselves to slip into.

Good lord no, not patronising at all 43!! I suppose a few things I did in my last relationhip could have caused problems, but that was more to do with his issues than mine, so I don't think I did anything too horrendous.

Yes I have been trying to allocate myself only a certain amount of time a day to really "think" about things and it seems to be working. I feel quite calm today, even though I still have a few niggly thoughts in the back of my mind. To be honest, thinking at the moment just gives me a headache lol, so I am going for the que sera, sera approach!

In my opinion you must enjoy to fullest, if you found PG later, dont feel nervous/frustrated. This is the time to enjoy and make those moments memorable. I am also 23 year girl, looking to date someone handsome guy. I have lost 3 relations back.

Some excellent advice above which I can't better, but I do want to add a stern injunction to stop taking liberties with contraception. It's a bit arse over tip to be more worried whether your bf will think you're irresponsible than about actually being irresponsible.

What happened in your previous relationship, if you don't mind me asking? If it was abusive or controlling at all it might be worth having some counselling to address that, as otherwise it's easy to fall into the same traps again.

Yeah, just want to add to Annie's voice - get your contraception sorted. Since you've had unprotected sex, you had better get something better arranged so there'll be no more need for MAP. It might be a good idea to both get yourselves checked out for STIs so you can carry on in peace of mind.

zombie alert!

5 year old thread!

Oh well , I hope she's got her contraception sorted out by now then .

Oh feck, didn't spot that! Oh well, it's only 5 years old. That late MAP must be at primary school by now...

Oh haha!