What's next handhold

anotherone99 · 2023-03-03T19:07:27+00:00

Feeling a bit anchorless and wondering about the future, so would welcome any thoughts to help me find my way. Briefish synopsis - its another sorry story of am at 1 year after D-Day of finding out DW of 30 years had been having an affair. Yes apparently was "just" EA at that point but had been physical prior to pandemic, was with a long standing "friend" from work who was also part of social life. Yes i recognise that i'm not the best husband as tended to be a workaholic in misplaced thinking that i was the hunter gatherer building our future whilst she did bigger share of childcare and household but have always been supportive of what she wanted to do. We did counselling for a while and have been working through on our own. Am now at the stage where despite her still loving me i'm not sure i can rekindle love for someone who behaved in a way that is so much against my core beliefs. It's not just the infidelity but the way over the last year there is still lack of real acknowledgement that the EA aspects were there and an almost sweep everything under the carpet and everything will be fine for her again attitude. To me it feels like everything comes back to her needs and if we aren't going to stay together I have to sort out the sorry mess. So sorry if a bit rambling (on my own this weekend and feeling a bit sorry for myself) and i know from reading other posts that actually I have to work out what is right for me alongside her and us working out what works for us but really would like to hear how others worked through deciding how "should i stay or should i go now?"

dumpling12 · 03/03/2023 19:17

Hi OP,

sorry you’re going through this. Have been through the same. And yes at the 1 year mark it was very much a kind of ‘what now’ feeling… the crisis was over. But it was never really fixed. DH was clearly still in love with the OW. Despite denying any real feelings for her on discovery. We tried to get it back on track and for a long time on the surface it was ‘fine’ but really the underlying reasons and why it happened never really went away. He had therapy. Did all the right things. The trust would never recover though. Now decided to separate and it was a big relief.

all I would say is you have to be true to yourself and your values. If it doesn’t feel authentic to stay together, that’s no way to live. It really takes a long time for the shock to wear off and to be able to think clearly.

rockingbird · 03/03/2023 19:56

So sorry to read yet another one of these threads. Same situation myself a few years back.. tried very hard to forgive and forget, sadly it didn't work. It really did chip away at me and once the shock of what had actually happened wore off I was left angry that our marriage meant so little. I left, it took me far too long to get to that place but goodness me do I feel better now! It's not easy, I won't kid you, take your time to make that decision when you are ready but please be mindful of your mental state, it's an awful blow and can play havoc with your head. I h love x

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 20:01

I think you’ve given forgiveness a go, and you can’t do it. Who can blame you. An affair is such a huge betrayal. Especially when the cheater wants to stay and work at the marriage. I just think that if she didn’t even want to leave the marriage for this other guy then she’s destroyed all the trust in the marriage for a bit of fun, a bit of excitement. To me that just shows how little respect for you she had and how little she valued her marriage. I’d leave. So sorry she’s put you through this

Original poster

anotherone99 · 03/03/2023 20:22

dumpling12 · 03/03/2023 19:17

Hi OP,

sorry you’re going through this. Have been through the same. And yes at the 1 year mark it was very much a kind of ‘what now’ feeling… the crisis was over. But it was never really fixed. DH was clearly still in love with the OW. Despite denying any real feelings for her on discovery. We tried to get it back on track and for a long time on the surface it was ‘fine’ but really the underlying reasons and why it happened never really went away. He had therapy. Did all the right things. The trust would never recover though. Now decided to separate and it was a big relief.

all I would say is you have to be true to yourself and your values. If it doesn’t feel authentic to stay together, that’s no way to live. It really takes a long time for the shock to wear off and to be able to think clearly.

Thank you dumpling12.
Yes I think i'm realising for me it will take time to properly process the shook. And I think for her I'm not sure as it seems to me the speed of moving on is down to continued denial on her part. Being authentic vs sense of duty is what i'm wrestling with I think

OP posts:

Original poster

anotherone99 · 03/03/2023 20:26

rockingbird · 03/03/2023 19:56

So sorry to read yet another one of these threads. Same situation myself a few years back.. tried very hard to forgive and forget, sadly it didn't work. It really did chip away at me and once the shock of what had actually happened wore off I was left angry that our marriage meant so little. I left, it took me far too long to get to that place but goodness me do I feel better now! It's not easy, I won't kid you, take your time to make that decision when you are ready but please be mindful of your mental state, it's an awful blow and can play havoc with your head. I h love x

genuinely sorry you have been through this rocking bird (and dumpling and Zanatdy). Good advice to take my time and yes - is playing havoc with my mental health - am so forgetful! Is on top of having to deal with loss of 3.5 family members in last 2 years too, so not in the best space really.

OP posts:

Original poster

anotherone99 · 03/03/2023 20:30

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 20:01

I think you’ve given forgiveness a go, and you can’t do it. Who can blame you. An affair is such a huge betrayal. Especially when the cheater wants to stay and work at the marriage. I just think that if she didn’t even want to leave the marriage for this other guy then she’s destroyed all the trust in the marriage for a bit of fun, a bit of excitement. To me that just shows how little respect for you she had and how little she valued her marriage. I’d leave. So sorry she’s put you through this

Thank you zanatdy. summarises what i'm concluding I guess. In a strange way i do forgive her as i genuinely want her to be happy. Lots of reasons i guess why it happened but at the end of the day it wasn't just one mistaken moment, there were lots of choices made that were putting herself before her commitments to our relationship and ultimately me.

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 21:42

anotherone99 · 03/03/2023 20:30

Thank you zanatdy. summarises what i'm concluding I guess. In a strange way i do forgive her as i genuinely want her to be happy. Lots of reasons i guess why it happened but at the end of the day it wasn't just one mistaken moment, there were lots of choices made that were putting herself before her commitments to our relationship and ultimately me.

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That’s the biggest betrayal isn’t it. It wasn’t a moment of madness but so many decisions made that betrayed you. I guess you can forgive, but the forgetting part is the killer. It’s always going to be there, the worry she might do it again. It’s so hard to know what to do.

rockingbird · 04/03/2023 07:48

@Zanatdy agree with this. For me is was the amount of lies, the lengths he'd gone to in order to cover up the affairs (there was more than one). I just couldn't get past the lies, the person I'd married had been so untruthful. A one night stand or a short fling I might have been able to get past..when it goes past that I'd say it's a dead dog. Only you can decided that OP and in your own time.