Controlling father

[Eirianbach]

Hi

After some advice please, I am 44 years old and my father questions my whereabouts. I have an admin job which allows me to work from home some days, I cant be for certain but I think he passes our street to see if our cars are at home and then when we are next on the phone with each other he'll ask if I've been working and whether I was at home or in the office. I know for certain that he passes my brother's house during the day because he asks me if I've heard from him and that his van/car was at home. It is really bothering me now as I feel spayed on and controlled. We ask him maybe once a week to collect our children from school but I feel he isn't happy with this if I'm working from home but if and when I ask him I'm usually in a meeting at school pick up times. He will quiz me when I collect them from his if I was working and where!!
Would be grateful of any advice?

Tell him to mind his own business. You're an adult who does not need to check in with him!

I'm 65. I left my dad (90) at 12.30, to return before 4. "But where are you going?" he demanded. He's 90, though, and just a bit worried about being on his own.

Your dad has definitely got issues, there. Don't tell him anything, hide your cars, or make up stories. Or, have it out with him, if you think you'd get anywhere. At your age, I was very sensitive to being questioned by my parents. I remember thinking my mum should get a life of her own and stop hanging onto mine!

You're an adult and you don't owe him any explanations about where you go or if you're working from home. It's a form of control and it has been conditioned on you since you were a child, but you don't have to adhere to it now or give him any information about the hours you're working or where your brother is. Is there someone else who could pick your children up on the days you ask him to collect them? I'd be limiting contact a bit and reminding him that working from home does not equal slacking off!

You need someone else to collect your DC from school the one time a week he does this; he is not emotionally safe enough to be around. Can one of the other parents here help you out instead?. You as an individual also need to become far less available to see him.

Its not your fault he is like this nor did you make him that way.

Where is your mother here; is she still around?.

If he is too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your DC also.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and abuse is about power and control; he wants absolute here over you. Its also not doing your children any favours for them to be seeing you as their mother being constantly questioned by their grandad.

Mumsnet, this how your kids feel when you track their phones.

I don't track my kids phone's they are not old enough to have a phone.

what would happen if you said "i was out at the shops for a few hours", when in fact you were at home and he had gone past your house and knew you were at home but were lying ?

My late father was like that. I made things up. Once when my DSis went out and had her friend to baby sit, this was after her husband left, my father phoned me and demanded “what has she done with (nephews name)” I said she’d left him to play underneath London Bridge.

If you need him to pick up your son then just say you’re working every time he asks. Like a broken record.

Have you asked him why he asks?
Otherwise it’s time for a serious conversation with boundaries and consequences included. Eg Dad I feel controlled when you check up on me. I am no longer answering these questions. I will Hang up the phone when you ask in Future. Had similar issue in our family.

@whattodo1975 he'd quiz me even more, but surely at 44 I should not have to explain myself and be quizzed !!

I'd make up something ridiculous when he asks where you have been:

'I was skydiving'
'I was standing on the roof'
'I was burying the body of the last nosey fucker who asked me where I was'

When he scoffs at you, tell him his stalkery behaviour is odd, you are an adult and you don't need to explain yourself. Like fuck would I put up with being monitored to this degree.

Get someone else to pick up your child.

Has he always been like this?

You need to put your dc into after school club on the day that you cannot collect them from school because that will shut down one line of questioning. Then you need to work on deflecting him from the other times he questions you i.e. give him the sort of answers that don't really answer the question. If it's happening during a phone call make an excuse to end the call without answering the question. If your face to face, go to the loo, the kitchen, or to your car to collect something or give him silly answers. It will take time but I don't see why you can't take back control,

My father is like this.. I completely sympathise. I've completely backed off now, i tell him nothing. Rely on him for nothing OP , and then he's got no hold over you. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

You've posted this before.

Yes quite draining op. My mother could be like that but we dont live too near.. thank god. I tell her little now. Vague information.

That is also the problem he said when we were looking for another house that we should move back and that he could help 🤣walked right into that stupidly!! We moved away from my husband's family who are totally different.

He sounds similar to a controlling partner

Yes keep it vague. My mother latest is how did they afford x. No filters lol. Just really nosey we dont tell her much.