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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't think he loves me any more

1 reply

maybeitsallgone · 03/03/2023 14:29

Namechanged.

Been with DH for over 20 years. Going through a very very hard time as a family right now (child with ongoing serious health issues, some money worries). When we've faced difficult times in the past, DH and I have been a good team - in fact I'd go so far as to say in the past, he's been brilliant in a crisis - supportive, calm, kind.

This time it's entirely different. In all honesty, he's being a monster - flying off the handle at the smallest thing, shouting and swearing at me if I dare to either express my anxiety about unwell DC, or our financial outlook. He seems angry with me all the time. After yet another row earlier, I questioned this and he said 'to be honest, I'm finding it very difficult to love you right now.'

Again, we are going through a worrying time as a family. Our lovely son was in hospital just under a fortnight ago, and we face some worrying medical uncertainties. So DH is, of course, as stressed as I am - but his dismissiveness and lack of support towards me is breathtaking. I'm someone who likes to talk things through (and I do have a tendency towards worrying about stuff) and he's more a stiff upper lip type - BUT I'm honestly not someone who is hysterical and over anxious in a crisis. I get a lot of support from friends, so it's not Iike he has to shoulder everything from me either.

Earlier he screamed at me because I was texting the doctor who is helping us, saying I needed to calm down. At the moment my priority is getting my son the help and care he needs and ensuring his siblings (we have four kids) are stable and calm etc, so I have limited time and headspace to ask big questions about the future of our marriage. But this feels awful and I don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced similar?

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 03/03/2023 15:09

You say he's always been calm, supportive and kind. Is it possible that he's now reached the limit of his ability to be those things, and he now needs to be the emotional one in the relationship? Perhaps he's desperately worried and realises he can't reassure you because he's frightened about what the future holds. So that makes him angry (at himself for not being able to be his usual reassuring self, and then at you for reminding him of that)? Does he feel that you've always been the emotional / say everything you think / offload worries on to him person in the r'ship and he hasn't got the emotional strength to deal with that that right now?

If you've had a good relationship for 20 years and he's a kind person, I'd suggest a calm heart to heart. An honest conversation where you both set out your worries and feelings. Give each other equal time to speak and really listen to each other.

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