Confused, should I focus on positives?

[NeedSomeHelp12]

On the back of a previous thread I feel confused about H. He is generally a good person, works hard, hasn’t done anything really bad. On the surface seems like the perfect partner to outsiders and probably to himself. But as previously mentioned he does little things that really annoy me like criticising things I and the DC do and I feet judged. Like he’ll criticise my driving but then moans I don’t drive when we all go out, as he makes me feel nervous, judged. He makes one of the DCs sandwiches for school some days, while doing his own but has to comment about he’s always making the sandwiches. He started doing the food shopping a while ago as he said I spent to much and he wanted to shop somewhere cheaper but if I do some to help he’ll criticise what I’ve bought or what I’ve spent, but is always commenting about him having to do the shopping. Does some cooking but gets moody if he’s doing it to much as I’m part time. These are the only 3 domestic tasks he does regularly. There’s other things too. I just wonder if im being too sensitive and should just overlook the criticism. The problem is I seem to have a problem with conflict, probably from my parents, so don’t usually say anything to him, so is it my fault for not highlighting it, perhaps he doesn’t realise he’s doing it? I also feel pressured into sex and sometimes feel like a piece of meat but for whatever reason I feel like I can’t say no. I also feel like this in other areas of my life so is it my fault for not saying anything?

Anyone?

No it’s not your fault OP.

Its concerning that you feel pressured into sex, do you want to stay in this relationship?

You probably don't feel that you can say no to the forced sex because you know there will be consequences. Same with putting up with the constant criticism, it's easier to just take it than stand up for yourself and suffer whatever consequences that would bring.

The fact that he probably seems nice to others outside the relationship is very telling, and very common with abusers.

Also that he "hasn’t done anything really bad" - have you heard of death by a thousand cuts?

What do you dream of, when you allow yourself to do so?

It's not you.

He's a controlling arse. He's setting you up to lose every time.

Do not have sex you feel pressured into

Can you get some therapy for yourself to start working on assertiveness?

I think you need to talk all of this relationship stuff through with a counselor. You need to get some validation of your experience and perception here.

I just wonder if im being too sensitive and should just overlook the criticism

Where do you take direction from in life? Who/what do you see as being 'in charge' of you? Being 'too sensitive' would mean that there is an objective level of sensitivity that's 'correct'; who decides this? Who says what you should or shouldn't do (other than the law)?

He’s not like it all the time, we have nice times together but lately I feel like nearly every day there will be some derogatory comment and feel it’s wearing me down with the negativity but don’t feel like he does it on purpose. With the sex thing it’s not forced but half expected and I guess if I just go along with it then he’s not going to know.
@mathanxiety You’re right, I’ve always had a problem with assertiveness in all areas of my life. I have been thinking for a while that I could do with counselling to talk about these things but don’t know if I can afford it.

Sometimes I do feel like I just want to be on my own to do what I like, how and when I like without being criticised and judged.

I think that the nice times are nowadays fewer and further between and on his terms rather than your own. This is actually part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Re this part of your comment, "The problem is I seem to have a problem with conflict, probably from my parents".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is your H now actually very similar to either one of your parents?.

Remember and otherwise remind yourself that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Would you want your DC to be in a relationship like this as an adult; no and you would want better for them. Its not you who is the problem here, its him and such men do not change. This is who he really is.

Counselling for your own self re assertiveness is worth doing; BACP operate a sliding scale of fees so cost should not be a barrier. I would also suggest you read "A woman in her own right" by Anne Dickson as well as having a chat with Womens Aid.

@AttilaTheMeerkat My Dad was/is emotionally and verbally abusive to my mum especially if he he had had a drink. My H is no where near like that more passive aggressive than overtly nasty but as my parents have such a bad relationship and this is my only serious relationship I guess I don’t know any different and compared to theirs it’s far better.

@AttilaTheMeerkat He also had difficult family relationships growing up, didn’t really have a father figure so I think this doesn’t help either.

Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships that remain to this day and those in part led to you choosing your H. You need to unlearn the crap they taught you about relationships.

BTW are your parents still together?.
Many people also do not have ideal childhoods by any stretch of the imagination and go onto choose not to abuse the person they love. Its not your fault or doing he's had a less than ideal childhood either. You're not to blame yet he is choosing here to blame you; he knows all too well what he is doing here and enjoys the power and control he has over you and in turn the DC who do pick up on all this. Many abusers blame others rather than their own selves for their actions and choices.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them o be in a relationship like yours is as an adult - no you would not and you'd want better for them.

I would also suggest you work towards being on your own i.e without him in your day to day life going forward. Do read the book I've recommended to you and contact Womens Aid. He is keeping you in a gilded cage here of his own paranoid making and that is unacceptable.

My parents are still together. I suppose because my Dad’s abuse was so much worse and more obvious this seems nothing in comparison, and especially when you read what some people go through on here.
I have felt unhappy for quite a long time but didn’t know why and felt guilty because on the surface my life should be really good. He used to work away for part of the week and although it was harder on my own with the kids I actually started to realise that I liked him being away as I could just be myself and feel relaxed without him criticising and judging. I just put it down to long hours and being stressful and tried to be understanding. If I said some of the individual things he’s said and done they seem so insignificant but sometimes it’s the tone they are said that’s patronising and it’s just lots of little things over a long time. Anyway I will look into getting counselling and read the book recommended. Thanks for the replies.

If I said some of the individual things he’s said and done they seem so insignificant but sometimes it’s the tone they are said that’s patronising

I hear you. My ex's abuse was mostly so sublte, so easily deniable, a fly on the wall would have wondered WTF I was bothered about. But when it's been going on for so long, you are so ground down that one word is all it can take to put you into a state of despair. Then they criticise you for reacting to 'nothing'. That too is intentional. They know what they're doing.

I have felt unhappy for quite a long time but didn’t know why

It was the same for me. The good times were fine, so I thought, but the bad times were becoming more frequent and left me feeling worse and worse. I genuinely thought I was going out of my mind. I could not have articulated any of it. It wasn't until he had gone that my solicitor said I should contact Women's Aid. I thought that sounded a bit much but went along with it just to show willing. It all started to become clear when I was talking it through with my support worker, when she pointed out what his behaviours actually were, and, importantly, when I had the headspace to think, to realise what he'd been doing to me.