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Original poster

Husband decides to just take himself off out on a night out

34 replies

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 09:55

My husband mainly works from home, he goes in about 3-4 times a month and often goes for a drink after work. Sometimes there'll be a work 'do' and he stays later.

For context: we have 2 children, 3 and a baby.

The baby isn't a good napper and has to have an early bedtime, she feeds to sleep and then I try to sneak away. Often it takes a long time to leave her. She has also started waking in the evening / night quite frequently and needs settling. In the evening my husband can settle her, but at night she only accepts me. I know she needs some night training but for various reasons now is not the right time.

My husband normally does the 3 year olds bedtime. She is a good sleeper. When my husband is not here it is very difficult to do her bedtime whilst dealing with the baby. It gets done, but its quite stressful and not very nice for the 3 year old.

The issue - yesterday he went into the office and said he would have a drink after work. I expected him home around 7:30 as his commute is 1.5 hours. At 7:40 I text him. He says he is still out. I say the children are asleep and ask him when he is planning on doing something he was due to do this evening (he was clearly expecting me to pick it up without asking). He says do I still want him to do it. I ignore the text as a little annoyed and need to charge my phone, so leave it charging whilst settling the baby. He texts me at 10:50 saying he is leaving and then he comes home around 12:30 in the morning. I had a rubbish evening / night with the baby waking.

I am extremely annoyed he just unilaterally decided to have a night out without checking whether I minded. I had to chase him to find out he was even still out. This is not the first time he has done stuff like this and I have always found it very inconsiderate (not texting if staying out later than planned) but it adds another dimension with me having to spend my evening settling the baby alone.

The day before yesterday he had a massive strop because I lost track of time doing diy in the evening and didn't see his texts asking me to help with the baby (I was just upstairs btw, he could have come and got me if he really needed me). He has also admitted he would be really annoyed if I did the same thing to him (just decide to leave him in charge of the children and waltz home when I like).

He has apologised but I am really annoyed as this is a pattern of behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 10:09

Not sure what I want from this thread tbh.

He has apologised, but he has done similar before so it doesn't mean he won't do it again. So for that reason I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:

atotalshambles · 03/03/2023 10:25

It is really hard to know from your thread if he is being unreasonable or not. i think everyone needs a break and both of you would probably benefit from a few hours away from the kids. Both myself and OH try to have regular time away from kids and other partner has to manage the load. Was it the lack of notice that bothers you? in which case , you are not unreasonable! But I think your OH should be able to have a night out occasionally without having to do the bedtime routine (and vice-versa!).

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 10:29

Definitely the lack of notice. I think of us as 50:50 parents outside his work hours, so if he wants me to 'babysit' them in the evening I expect him to ask me first, not force me into the position of doing it with no notice, I would almost always say no problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 10:30

Even if he'd text me whilst out, saying "I want to stay out, is that cool?" or "I'm having loads of fun, so going to stay out", that would have been better.

OP posts:

firstmummy2019 · 03/03/2023 10:42

Sounds like it was a last minute thing. I think the real reasonthat you are pissed off is that you are not setting time aside for you to go out and socialise, which you need to do. Once a fortnight, you go out for a few hours with a friend once the kids are in bed. Your partner can hold the fort and deal with the baby's wake-ups.

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 10:50

@firstmummy2019 Thanks for your insight, but its not that at all.

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/03/2023 10:59

It’s basic manners and respect.

Even if you know your partner is going to say “that’s fine, have fun” it’s still basic courtesy to message and say “having a laugh, mind if I stay on?”

Its recognising that you staying/going out has an impact on them and showing them basic courtesy.

ETref · 03/03/2023 10:59

I remember feeling the same when mine were babies. But tbh it was because I was stressed, tired and also jealous that dh's social life wasn't affected by having a baby as much as mine was. It was through my own choice though, he actively encouraged me to go out with my friends, but I couldn't be bothered to make the effort.

I completely agree that lack of notice is annoying, but it's not the end of the world. He was probably having a good time and forgot to keep you updated. Ultimately he is a grown man and he doesn't have to check with you if he can stay out later, though a heads up is the decent thing to do. Also getting home at 12.30 is not what I would consider late for drinks after work. If he was rolling in at 4am every weekend then spending the next day in bed, not pulling his weight with the kids, then he would be completely out of order. But the odd night out until midnight isn't a big deal.

Whenever I used to get pissed off with my dh for having a social life I used to try to stop and imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. If I was doing exactly what he was doing right at that moment and he got pissed off with me or tried to dictate my social life would that be OK? That usually chilled me out.

MrsMenmen · 03/03/2023 11:03

I totally agree with you that he should of checked in to because your kids are so little. It's different if they are older and him going out wouldn't have a knock on effect on you , but it does so yes not fair on you

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 11:13

@YetMoreNewBeginnings sums up my problem most succinctly.

@ETref I don't have a problem with him having a social life. It is just that at the moment one of us can't have free time without cannibalising it from the other person. I expect him to show me some courtesy by texting to check or at least let me know. He has told me he would have been annoyed if I did the same to him, so he has admitted he's been a bit of a dick.

OP posts:

TooMinty · 03/03/2023 11:14

He is treating you like the default parent and expects you to just pick up his slack without even asking. Maybe it doesn't even cross his mind that you might be looking forward to some adult company or respite from the kids. If it was a one off I'd maybe let it slide. If not and talking to him makes no difference then I'd start doing it back to him. Say you are popping out on a Saturday morning then stay out for hours without contacting him.

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 11:21

@TooMinty I think you are right. I will let it slide this time as he seems to be getting that he did wrong, but maybe next time will do this - "Say you are popping out on a Saturday morning then stay out for hours without contacting him." I'd prefer not to, as it seems a little petty though.

OP posts:

TooMinty · 03/03/2023 11:29

I know but if you've told him strongly that you don't like it and he still does it, what are the other options? Suck it up and silently seethe and start resenting him? LTB over something minor? Perhaps he just can't understand how annoying it is and just needs showing once...

GoldDuster · 03/03/2023 11:37

If this is a pattern, meanwhile he's losing his rag because you're upstairs doing DIY and not downstairs helping with the baby then yes, this is unreasonable, as it's one rule for him and another for you.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 11:43

He should have let you know he was having a late one, but when he did you shouldn't have tried to start an argument.

Whatever needs doing will get done.

Do you work?

UpUpAndAwol · 03/03/2023 11:46

Are you feeling like he went out and stayed out because in his head you ignored his request to help with the kids the day before?

Almost like a petty form of revenge? If you feel like this then confronting this is really important because it isn’t really about him going for a drink and deciding to stay out. It could be about resentment building between you?

Tinybrother · 03/03/2023 11:48

I would absolutely expect some sort of checking in to say he was staying out, and I would do the same myself, basic good manners and respect when you are coparenting and live together

ladykale · 03/03/2023 11:49

I don't think this is a huge deal truthfully, provided that he would pick up the slack in the same situation, otherwise how to either of you ever go out.

If you're the type to make a big deal of it, I assume that's why he didn't tell you. Sounds quite last min.

Rather than get annoyed, make some eve plans yourself? Occasionally leave him to do both of your jobs with the babies?

5128gap · 03/03/2023 11:56

In reality OP, there isn't a lot you can do about this is there? As you almost always have the DC with you and he doesn't, practically you can't stop him coming and going as he pleases in a way not open to you. So unless you intend to leave him over it, the only option you have is to ask him not to do it again, and keep your fingers crossed he chooses to comply.
I think you're right, but being right solves nothing, as your position is a pretty powerless one, dependent on his choice to do the right thing.
(A tit for tat thing won't help either. He'll just use that to justify his doing it next time.)

notthisagainforest · 03/03/2023 11:56

He is irresponsible. I'd be fuming. His taking the piss

Tinybrother · 03/03/2023 11:58

“If you're the type to make a big deal of it, I assume that's why he didn't tell you.”

i didn’t get that from the OP. How weird that you think this is a normal relationship dynamic, not communicating plans when you are jointly responsible for caring for two children

Coffeellama · 03/03/2023 11:59

If he asked you I’d you minded what would you have said?

Original poster

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 12:03

@ladykale I think you are misunderstanding me. I don't have a problem with him going out, he does so fairly frequently. It's just normally this is agree between us before he goes out or whilst he is already out.

OP posts:

Coffeellama · 03/03/2023 12:06

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 12:03

But didn’t you sulk and not text him back when he asked you if you still wanted him to do something? It sounds like it was a spare of the moment thing.

Guis · 03/03/2023 12:07

justanothermagicnamechange · 03/03/2023 10:29

He went out for a drink and stayed a bit longer than expected. He texted you. He has then apologised. Poor bloke.

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