Am I expecting too much?

[RudsyFarmer]

I’d be interested in those of you who talk to your husbands or partners and they continue to look at their phone. Does this abbot or frustrate you? Do you consider it rude? Do you continue to talk or refuse to?

I’ll admit I’ve decided to take a stance on it, ten years in, where I’m tired of his half interest. My father used to do the exact same thing with me when I was a kid but with the television. A lot of what I’m saying is just chit chat about the day. He doesn’t need to be interested, I don’t particularly need to tell him, I guess I thought it brought us closer together to talk about the day but my mental health doesn’t require it. So I’ve stopped. And now we say very little to each other at all.

• annoy

I agree with you OP. It's rude to keep looking at your phone while someone is talking to you.

He might argue that I’m talking at him. There’s no arguing or anything. I’ve just had enough. It’s like he’s doing me a favour and I’m calling time on the feigned interest.

This is a balance imo, and hard to tell if someone is getting it right without witnessing their behaviour.

Yes lots of people do this too much. But at the same time, I don't think it's right to expect someone to immediately stop looking at their phone when you start talking to them. It's much like expecting someone to stop reading a book because you're speaking to them, sometimes they're in the middle of something.

Yep I get that. And I would consider myself perceptive enough to acknowledge lots of times where he’s actually busy on the computer and say nothing at all to him during this time as he’s busy.

These are times before bed when he’s scrolling Twitter and looking at videos linked to his interests. I’m requiring probably less than 5 minutes of his time. He is also well known to just leave the room while I’m talking and I end up speaking to the back of his head.

He honestly does like me! He just has these fucking weird ways that I’ve tolerated but I think I’m getting a bit old now and it’s no longer cute. Just rude.

I also think this is a balance, it’s not ok to expect someone to just stop what they are doing regularly as you’ve decided this is the moment to have a lengthy convo about your day, it’s also not ok to sit looking at your phone if someone is talking to you.

and conversation needs to be two way. So you ask questions if you wish to chat. The way you write it, where you say he thinks you’re talking at him makes it sound like a monologue and not a convo.

I'm in two minds, If he spent 20 minutes regularly tellin you about sports results you had no interest in (gender stereotypical but heyho) would you AVIDLY listen or half listen.

I admit I would half listen and perhaps expect the same if your giving daily natter updates.

Just make sure that if something is important to you that you change your language an mannerism style to convey it.

Also my mum does this and I sometimes hold th phone away from my ear to get a 30 second break OR put he on speaker and scroll mumsnet

You'd hate me 😂😂

he doesn’t talk!!! The guy is an uncommunicative sod. So if I don’t talk, we don’t talk.

I wouldn’t hate you at all!

My mum does the same. If I ring her I have to allow for 2 hours and much of that is her monologuing. I’m honestly not that person. I’m funny, my kids and colleagues like me. I’m to the point, succinct, I don’t ramble. I probably navel gaze a bit but I don’t need solutions. I’m low maintenance, employable. Hell I could go on a dating site right now and be considered quite the catch. He just doesn’t want to talk to me.

I’ve had this kind of relationship with my dad my whole life. I find myself doing it my with son as well - just in that hour or two between after school/work and bedtime, it’s pretty boring and he’s usually watching TV so I end up scrolling on Mumsnet/Instagram etc because I’m bored, but then it’s hard to connect again unless I make a conscious effort to put down my phone and get my son to turn off the TV.

Would it be possible to tell your H that although you don’t need it, you would really value and like to have some dedicated blank space to chat together? Just a short time each day is probably enough to bring you closer together and it might awkward/stilted at first, but worth persevering through that I think.

If he doesn’t want to, you’ve got a decision to make - whether you’re happy with his limited capacity for a relationship, and whether you want to get your desire met somewhere else? (I don’t believe they’re either/or things - you can both stay in a relationship that provides some of your needs and still pursue others that meet other needs). If it’s emotional connection you’d like, you can get that from all sorts of relationships - it doesn’t have to be only a husband or a sexual thing.

I have exactly the same at home.
He's almost constantly on Facebook, either scrolling through marketplace or sharing posts.
He very kindly brings me a cup of tea in the morning as he's a very early riser, I put my phone down unless I'm in the middle of an email or text, he whips out his phone "to check the weather", then gets engrossed in Facebook.
I try to talk to him, he grunts at me.
We go out for a meal, he needs to check his phone.
He puts on a TV programme which I have zero interest in and goes on his phone.
Funny when he's at the pub he manages to leave his phone in his pocket and converse with people.
Ironically he gets on his soap box about teenagers constantly being on their phones and x boxes and not playing out like he did when he was growing up.
He's 57 ffs.

He's the problem then!
How boring for you that your only option is to monologue 😟

Get out with your friends more and re-evaluate him, seems like you're halfway there already!

Yes, it's definitely NOT just a 'teenagers' problem, phones are addictive and a lot of people are wasting hours scrolling and forgetting how to interact socially

My husband and I realised we both had a problem with this, where we'd be sitting in eachother's company but miles away on our phones. It's really common.

We decided to set aside half an hour after dinner every day where we put our phones down and just cuddle up on the sofa and have a talk, about whatever. Just to get that connection without the screen. Seems stupid to schedule time for that but it's worked, and we now find ourselves naturally talking and engaging more and keeping our phones in our pockets just generally.

Im doing exactly that. Making connections elsewhere. I work at a school and adore the children chit-chatting to me. I have wonderful colleagues and my older son is very conversational so we spend a lot of time together. DP is starting to feel the loss of connection but is doing nothing to keep us connected. Is so weird. I know he’s a bit depressed at the moment but this is a long term issue. His mum desperately tries to talk to him now but he’s also monosyllabic to her. My worry is he’s going to end up a lonely old man.

This annoys the life out of me. I feel it’s very rude and comes across as being completely disinterested.

There are times when I’m doing something on my phone and DP will speak to me, if it’s something important I’m doing (sending an email that I’ll forget to send later for example) I’ll ask DP to wait a mo until I’ve finished because I want to give him my full attention.

I’ve started saying ‘I’ll just wait until you’re finished with your phone’ and he will usually either put his phone down straight away or finish what he’s doing (buying football tickets 🙄) then give me his full attention!

Exactly the same. If he wants to tell me something he has my full attention.

I tried to touch his phone the other day, when I thought I’d make the point that he was not listening, and my gosh the overreaction I got from touching his phone. You’d have thought I’d shoved a finger up his arse. He was so over the top so I told hiM to forget it and I’d leave him alone with his mistress. That’s how we left it.