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Original poster

Fine to not be attracted to someone?

28 replies

SpinningFloppa · 02/03/2023 23:43

I am on another group and a woman has said that she was speaking to a man on old, they FaceTimed and he suddenly went off her and said that he was shocked as she was much bigger than he thought and he is not sure he is attracted to her as he doesn’t go for bigger women. Well
of course all the women are calling him a piece of shit, saying how awful he is and is clearly “only interested in looks not personality” am I missing something? I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Dating is mainly about physical attraction to begin with especially old and if her pictures don’t represent what she actually looks like then how is he a piece of shit? Or are they right about it and it shouldn’t matter? If it was a man and he was 10 years old than his pictures I’m sure they wouldn’t say she’s a piece of shit for no longer fancying him.

OP posts:
DixonD · 03/03/2023 00:05

You’re right - attraction cannot be forced and you can reasonably be turned off for any reason your subconscious (or conscious mind) tells you!

BreviloquentBastard · 03/03/2023 00:10

I mean if it was enough of a physical difference to be a shock it sounds like she has some quite deceptive photos of herself on her OLD profile anyway, so she can't really be pissed off.

Might have been a bit blunt of him to just say it outright but at least he didn't string her along and mess her about. I'd tend to agree, physical attraction is important, and he can't force himself to be into someone he's not.

macbooks · 03/03/2023 00:14

I think he was rude in his approach. He could have just said he isn’t interested in a romantic relationship and doesn’t want to waste her time. He didn’t need to criticise her looks to her face. That’s bound to knock anyone’s confidence

Bansheed · 03/03/2023 00:18

If this played out as it seems, she should appreciate his honesty and adjust her OLD strategy.. If she is happy with her weight, why did she use deceptive photos?

If the photos were recent and candid, then he is a prick.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 00:20

I agree it’s a bit harsh but surely this will help her see that her pictures are not matching what she looks like? So at least he has been honest and she now has a chance to put more realistic pics up. If she had told him he was a lot older looking than his pictures I don’t think anyone would say it was out of order.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 03/03/2023 00:21

He is an arse to say something like that. She dodged a bullet there.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/03/2023 01:21

I personally think he did the right thing. She's not left wondering why. It's not nice and hurts to be told those things but hopefully she will learn and grow from them. It would have be worse if she went on a date and he said it to her face or left awkwardly. I would want to know and ne told exactly why someone wasn't attracted to me.

Ponderingwindow · 03/03/2023 01:32

You are correct that if he isn’t attracted to someone he should just bow out.

I disagree that dating is about physical attraction. for me, physical attraction doesn’t really form without intellectual attraction. I find people who work in the reverse quite hard to understand.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2023 01:38

he is not sure he is attracted to her as he doesn’t go for bigger women

First bit fine, second bit cunty.

Tuilpmouse · 03/03/2023 02:25

It's fine not to be attracted to a physical type, and not to date them.

It's not fine to be an insensitive twat about it.

I've been on many dates through OLD when I've not been attracted to my date. I just don't see them again, I don't say "oh no, you're far too ugly/obese/androgynous/badly dressed for me to find you attractive.

TrishM80 · 03/03/2023 02:26

I wonder if he did the David Brent "oh, for fuck's sake!" when he saw her?!

GreyCarpet · 03/03/2023 06:11

I agree, OP.

I'd actually prefer someone were honest if they weren't attractive to me under these circumstances.

I agree that she needs to review the photos she's using. She seems to believe herself that her weight is unattractive otherwise she wouldn't have tried to disguise it in photos. It's a bit of a reach to then be cross at him because he noticed the difference between what he'd been led to believe she looked like and what she actually looked like.

When you only have photos to go from, it's really important that they're honest photos because the difference between that and the reality is so much starker when that's all you have to build a picture from.

Of course it depends how he expressed it but there's nothing inherently wrong about not being attracted to someone for any reason.

If she and her friends think that personality should count more, why try and hide her weight in the first place?

GreyCarpet · 03/03/2023 06:20

I think it's more about the feeling of having been misled. If I felt if been misled about someone, any attraction I might have started to develop would end. I wouldn't be waiting to find out if there were aspects of their personality that could override it. I'd move on to find someone I genuinely felt attracted to who wasn't misleading me.

As much as anything, in OLD everyone knows that many people misrepresent themselves. For women this is often based on appearance and for men it's often age or height. It smacks to me of insecurity which isn't hugely attractive in dating, leads to problems down the line when the truth inevitably comes out and attracts people to a fictional version of you that doesnt exist. Far better that people are honest about themselves and who they are so that they attract someone who is interested in them.

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 06:22

Hey, I’m on the same group as just read that exact thing this morning! I agree that he’s done nothing wrong and people need to put realistic photos on. I wouldn’t date someone I didn’t fancy. Been there, done that and it wasn’t a nice outcome for anyone (2 DC and a break up later)

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 06:24

Tuilpmouse · 03/03/2023 02:25

It's fine not to be attracted to a physical type, and not to date them.

It's not fine to be an insensitive twat about it.

I've been on many dates through OLD when I've not been attracted to my date. I just don't see them again, I don't say "oh no, you're far too ugly/obese/androgynous/badly dressed for me to find you attractive.

This person had been messaging for weeks though. So I think an explanation was warranted. One date I don’t think I wouldn’t be honest like that (well I wouldn’t be honest anyway as I’d hate to hurt someone’s feelings but at least she knows to update her dating profile

CheeseDreamsTonight · 03/03/2023 06:35

I don't think there is anything wrong with having preferences. When you're with someone for 20 years and they put weight on I honestly think it is a non issue as the love and companionship are there, but at the start when you thought someone looked one way and they look another... he did nothing wrong.

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 03/03/2023 07:08

Tricky to say. Absolutely fine to not be attracted and better he's upfront at this stage rather than drawing it out. I'm not sure that telling her it's cos she's overweight is helpful (reading responses above, it seems there are different perspectives as to what people would like to be on the receiving end of!).

I can also think of examples where:

  • I have met women I'd first seen online and been really surprised at how big they were, compared with their photos (clearly there's a real art to this as this included v recent photos)
  • OLD men are weird and will openly criticise a woman who objectively is not 'bigger' at all, because that's their weird thing they get a kick out of
  • I have met work colleagues in the flesh and been surprised at how slim they are as on video calls they appeared much bigger!

I think the function of groups like the one you're describing is usually to say supportive things in these situations though, hence the outpouring of 'what a bastard', 'his loss', 'on with the next' type comments.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 10:12

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 06:22

Hey, I’m on the same group as just read that exact thing this morning! I agree that he’s done nothing wrong and people need to put realistic photos on. I wouldn’t date someone I didn’t fancy. Been there, done that and it wasn’t a nice outcome for anyone (2 DC and a break up later)

Ah it seems to have been deleted now!

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 10:16

Ponderingwindow · 03/03/2023 01:32

You are correct that if he isn’t attracted to someone he should just bow out.

I disagree that dating is about physical attraction. for me, physical attraction doesn’t really form without intellectual attraction. I find people who work in the reverse quite hard to understand.

On apps it absolutely is about physical attraction, there may be the odd person who isn’t looking for someone they fancy but I think that’s probably a very small minority and the vast majority of people on apps are swiping on people they find attractive. How much of someone’s personality can you tell from an app? Otherwise women would all be matching with the fat, old, short, bald guys and they are not. If he came on and was very different to his pictures she would be justified in saying she no longer fancied him.

OP posts:
trams · 03/03/2023 10:28

It's absolutely fine to not be attracted to someone but it was pretty rude of him to say why. All he needed to do was bring the call to an end and then tell her politely that there was no chemistry.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/03/2023 10:32

He could have worded it better (or just made an excuse to save her feelings) but attraction needs to be both physical and intellectual.
If I'd been misled in a similar way I'd be annoyed too - at the end of the day he's invested time based on what he saw in terms of chemistry and appearance, and to find she'd hidden a rather important aspect of that isn't fair.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 10:39

trams · 03/03/2023 10:28

It's absolutely fine to not be attracted to someone but it was pretty rude of him to say why. All he needed to do was bring the call to an end and then tell her politely that there was no chemistry.

I guess he was probably annoyed at being misled, some people do deliberately disguise themselves putting up old pics/ just face pics etc

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 10:41

Although I agree could have been more kind but this is why it’s important not to try to hide how you look in pics. The comments were saying he was basically wrong for not still wanting to date her and saying he is shallow and obviously all about looks like he should still date her regardless

OP posts:
idontbutido · 03/03/2023 10:41

You know full well that it's fine not to be attracted and that misleading photos on OLD will get you rejected.
I don't recognise this reaction you read op, most people say put clear photos.

idontbutido · 03/03/2023 10:43

Go and talk to these women then who said he's shallow, most people don't agree with their thinking it would be more interesting and enlightening to take this debate with them. MN has threads about this height for men and weight for women and OLD so often it seems. Nobody has to fancy anyone.