Sick with anxiety - please help me make sense of this

[imtheproblemitsmeee]

Last weekend I ended a 3 year relationship with a man who was the first person I’ve ever introduced to my child. It was a very rocky start, with him going back to his ex due to them sharing a dog together and basically he chose her/the dog over me. I found out I was pregnant so he (reluctantly) came to support me and unfortunately I miscarried weeks later. I assumed he’d leave me then but he stayed. However, I found out a few months down the line that he was texting someone else - non flirty but someone who he’d previously sexted and shared pics with.

My self-esteem was in the gutter so I stuck it out and things massively improved over time. We’ve had some great memories but unfortunately he has trust issues and is very insecure. This means that he worries about other men’s intentions and he automatically dislikes people who I have contact with who happen to be male. I’m insecure too so I understand to a degree. But his behaviour has previously been borderline controlling.

I ended it last week over a stupid trivial argument. I’ve felt sick to my stomach ever since and I ended up caving and messaging him. It’s gone from being a break up to a “break” while I figure out what I want and need.

I know this post shows him in a very negative light but he is a really lovely man who would do anything in the world for me. He adores me and I’ve never been myself around someone as much I have been with him. He knows me so well and it’s so comforting having that, especially when I have next to no family or friends.

I feel sick with anxiety because I don’t know what to do.

Can anyone please advise? I appreciate the long read if you made it this far.

Sorry to hear this. Could there be a trauma bond between you that you're experiencing? When I split from my ex who I believe was a narc I was in a terrible state, never had a breakup like it, thought I would end up sectioned. I pulled myself through by faking it every day & 3 months later I'm way better than then & without him. I know it's awful when people say give it time & it doesn't help you in the short term but for me this & no contact have helped me massively. Take care

It is he insecure and doesn’t like you to have any sort of contact with any men, or is he just keeping you in reserve? He contacts an ex, texts and shares photos with another woman, but likes the idea of you waiting at home for him?
It doesn’t sound like it was a well balanced , fair relationship.
You can do better. As pp says fake it til you make it. Do some nice things with your child, go out with girlfriends, I think he’d be for ever messing you about.

The below stuck out to me and here is what I think, but they are only my thoughts

My self-esteem was in the gutter so I stuck it out and things massively improved over time.

• the reason for your self esteem may be due to him rattling around in the beginning, going to his ex?

We’ve had some great memories but unfortunately he has trust issues and is very insecure. This means that he worries about other men’s intentions and he automatically dislikes people who I have contact with who happen to be male.

• The reason he worries about other men is because he knows, form his own behavior's regarding other women, texting etc, he is projecting and making this to be an issue for you when this is him.

I’m insecure too so I understand to a degree. But his behavior has previously been borderline controlling.

• you are spot on that its a form of control and it will escalate, its the little things we normally overlook, its other men now but it will be what you are wearing, who you are talking with at work, why you were out so late when you were at the shops, etc, you get the picture.

The reason your anxiety is high is because your brain has gotten use to the intense highs and lows of your relationship. By leaving the relationship you are going to need time to adjust and not go back, it wont get better.

just take good care of you, and that is be kind to yourself, it takes time to get singe in your head when you have had such an intense relationship, you will be ok again

The reason your anxiety is high is because your brain has gotten use to the intense highs and lows of your relationship. By leaving the relationship you are going to need time to adjust and not go back, it wont get better

There are lots of people I like and have a good time with who are good friends but who I wouldn't want a relationship with because there are aspects of their personality/character that just wouldn't suit me in a relationship. It's OK to recognise the good in the relationship whilst acknowledging it isn't a good relationship for you.

Tbh, you should have got rid of him at the beginning when he was flip flopping between you, his ex and the dog.

Don't make the mistake of having a break and getting back together. This is how things are now. He didn't choose you in the beginning and apathy made him stay. He knows he wasn't fully invested and now suspects you of the same behaviours as he knows only too well how easy it is to do.

Please do research trauma bond, the reason you have so much anxiety and insecurities are all down to how he treats you, you shouldn't want a man like this in yours or your kids lives ( appreciate easier said than done). Re read your post as if your friend or children (when grown up) wrote that, wouldn't you be so sad they valued themselves so low they thought it's fine to be treated this way. Perhaps look at contacting womens aid for advice

Thank you for the responses. I know about trauma bonds from a previous relationship, but he’s nowhere near as toxic as my ex.

I have no family and only 1 friend who’s busy with her own life, so there’s only me and my DC. I feel like my life will be so difficult without him. Everyone has someone, even if it’s parents/siblings etc. and I have no one (adults). This is why I’m clinging onto him. He knows me better than anyone.

Shameless bump

Does sound like he is not great for you and it's horrible being anxious. Is that coming from fear of the future and not wanting to let go of the comfortable familiar? We all have insecurities to a greater or lesser extent - some show them, some don't, some don't acknowledge them but you have acknowledged yours. IMHO doing that step is a really positive thing you have done. Keep going with working out how you manage those for yourself. I seem to be learning that although it might seem that there is only one person in the world who really gets you, actually that might come with other things that are not so healthy for you and if you have a gut feel that is the case, then you are probably right that its not for you. There will be others - not the same granted but who will meet your needs in a different way. Take care and you will get through this..

I think letting go of what’s comfortable is definitely a factor.

So even when we’re separated he’s still saying that he hopes that a certain guy he hates at my workplace isn’t trying to flirt with me 🤦🏻‍♀️

He's a lovely man who would do anything in the world for you, as long as you allow yourself to be controlled by him, restrict your activities to avoid him feeling insecure (and believe me, that can be very restricting.) and tolerate and forgive his own betrayals with other women.
Your low self esteem is tricking you into thinking you're getting a good deal. But truly, you are paying a high price for that loveliness, and you need to decide if its worth it.

You shouldn't be in contact with someone who does this to you, it's damaging

No, he isn't lovely. He's a controlling jealous man. Unfortunately you have a skewed perception of what a good relationship is.

This must feel scary and hard but it really isn’t a reason to cling on to someone. It is not a healthy relationship. As others said you should’ve dumped him when he was going back to his ex at the start. The absolute best thing you could do for yourself is block him and go no contact and get therapy to build yourself up to a point where you know you deserve better than this and your self esteem is strong enough to walk away at the first red flag.

He’s questioning whether I want to date other men. This isn’t a good sign is it.