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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be hurt by this?

13 replies

CharlottesWeb369 · 02/03/2023 16:41

First time poster here. I just wanted to ask for peoples opinion on something that is worrying me. If you were in a long term relationship/marriage and your partner hardly ever initiated intimacy, would you be hurt? When I initiate he always wants to DTD but I'm finding it's lowering my confidence, something that I have never had much of in any case. We've had some disagreements over the situation recently and it's a bit like stalemate atm. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

pawz · 02/03/2023 16:56

It depends on their reasons - why are they not initiating? Worried about putting pressure on you to have sex? Stressed and busy at work? Lacking self confidence etc?

motherofkevinnotperry · 02/03/2023 17:03

It's not ideal and can really make you feel unwanted.

Johnisafckface · 02/03/2023 17:37

I never initiate but the guy I'm seeing is okay with it. I rarely reject him when he initiates it. I've never been an initiator, possibly because I have a low drive, it doesn't mean I dont care or want my partner. But I understand other people feel differently about that.

Shoxfordian · 02/03/2023 17:44

Yeah it depends why he doesn’t initiate it; if he’s always been like this then you should be used to it - if not when did it change and why

Original poster

CharlottesWeb369 · 02/03/2023 20:42

Thanks all for your messages. I honestly think it's a lack of confidence thing with him. Why, I don't know because the sex is really good. I think he got complacent and just got used to me initiating most of the time. Possibly a bit of laziness too dare I say.

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 02/03/2023 20:44

Tell him sometimes you’d like him to initiate it.

category12 · 02/03/2023 20:55

What would happen, do you think, if you never initiated sex?

Hebehouse · 02/03/2023 20:56

If you're a reader take a look at the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She explains a lot about people's different styles around sex, and is really helpful for this sort of thing.

Sealover123 · 02/03/2023 22:07

My DH never initiates - his reasoning is he's always up for it but knows I get frazzled with work etc so never wants to pressure me if that is the last thing on my mind on a particular day. I just let him know when I'm in the mood. So I guess try to figure out the reason behind it, even just ask him flat out in a non-confrontational way.

NovelFarmer · 02/03/2023 22:26

How long have you been together? Is he on meds?

Littleflowerseverywhere · 02/03/2023 22:29

Can’t see how his complacency and laziness would make me loose confidence to be honest op , I’d just get the ick and move on.

Ploddlewoddle · 02/03/2023 22:51

Yes I like to be made to feel desired and sexy and instigating is one part of that

Jayne35 · 03/03/2023 15:53

It really does depend on his reasons. So ask, I wouldn't immediately jump to saying he is lazy.

My partner never instigates anymore, I thinks its due to my lack of interest (menopause) and he is worried about being knocked back all the time, however he is always up for it when I instigate.

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